All I Want for Christmas.....

Well, it's been a silent night here at my place, just me and my dogs this year. Since my son is with his father this year for the holidays, my family had their Christmas early. We ventured our way to Florida, along with my boyfriend and his daughter. My mom brought my son and I back since my boyfriend always stays in Florida for 2 weeks. I would have loved to stay as well, but since my son had to fly out to Texas to be with my ex's new family, we had to come back early. It is a tad lonely, but not because it's Christmas, simply because I'm all alone....and sick, yuck! Santa gave me the flu for this Christmas, lucky me.

So...it's just me, my dogs and a strong Holiday mudslide, watching movies. It gives me a chance to write on my sorely neglected blog, lol and reflect. Both of us can truly see what we mean to each other, being apart for over a week, which is the longest we've done so since we met in August.

I've surprised myself. Even though I honestly wanted to be in love, I didn't think I would ever get that chance until he came along. With every passing day, I find myself more and more in love with him. He's not perfect...nobody is, but he comes REALLY close. What surprises me the most is that the 'newness' hasn't worn off yet. I still have that "I can't WAIT to see him again" feeling. Whether it's knowing he's at work or that he's with his family in Florida. When he does come home, I'm ecstatic. He talks to me...not just a few quick things about work or what we want for dinner, but truly talks to me. I've never had that. My ex and I never could just shoot the breeze and that's one thing I deeply missed. Just being with him makes me extremely happy. He listens to me, my son loves him to death, which is huge, and he cares for my well-being.

As we slowly integrate our lives, we are able to communicate very well. We have the same ideas of what a relationship should be and that's refreshing. We're both really big on quality time and will spend hours playing Scrabble or doing things together. I love that! We both have quality time as our love language, which is one of the reasons we get along so well. We can even effectively communicate and discuss things rather than fly off the handle if we disagree on something or if we have a problem with something.

I have finally found a man I can always trust to be there for me and look out for me, to love me and hold me. I am finally very happy and so grateful that we found each other. And to think, it only took 39 years! I really hope everything works out for us and truly believe it will. It's been five months since we've met, so it's still a new relationship, but reflecting back on previous relationships, I've never even come close to what I have with him and I hope that 'newness' excitement never does wear off. If I could have one wish for this Christmas, it would be to be with him :) But I know that isn't possible this year. I just take comfort in the thought that we will have many Christmases to spend together, so what's just this one? We'll have the rest of our lives together, hopefully, and I can't wait!

Unknown

So today I started filling out my college application.....pause for effect, lol. I know, I know, I already went to college, about a million years ago. But I only went long enough to get my AA and after putting the educational priorities on the back burner for over a decade, I've decided that I should put it up towards the front again. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get out of the fast food industry and start making enough money to actually put myself above poverty level instead of below it.

The application was fairly simple....name, address, former schools....all the usual. Then I got to a suuprisingly awkward question....emergency contact. It had always been a fairly simple question, one of the easiest one actually. My parents, then it was my husband, and then after my seperation and divorce, it was my brother. Now.....well, I don't have anyone really. My parents live 3 states away, my ex-husband wouldn't care, in fact, he'd probably laugh and hang up, lol. My brother now lives a good 2 hours away and is busy with his new wife and family. So, that leaves pretty much just me. I could put down and ex boyfriend or the guy I'm dating now, but seriously, what for? Hopefully it's not a deal-breaker to get admitted or anything. I can always be sly and put down my alternate cell phone number with 'Diana' which is what I go by at work, listed as my best friend of 39 years, lol. I don't think they'd ever have reason to use it anyway, so really, what's the harm?

The thing is though, I'D know. It's just one more dig I have to take in....the fact that I am alone and probably always will be. That's what the hard part is. Oh well....there's more to life than just being able to fill in a stupid line on an application, although it's a nice thought.

Being unknown is a fear of mine. Not really along the same lines as my fear of spiders or closed in spaces, but it's up there. The idea of being known.....having someone who knows you inside and out and loves you anyway....that's something very special, and rare. If you are ever lucky enough to be known, make the most of it and hold on to it tightly because you will miss it when it goes away.

A Matter of Time

Time can be a dear friend or a vicious enemy. Time is what we measure our lives with...whether it be work, relationships, watching our children grow...all can be measured by time. We celebrate it with birthdays and anniversaries and curse it with the aging process and death of loved ones. Love it or hate it, time is there.

My Dad always said "Don't wish your life away" when we were young and wished we could be older. We never seemed to be satisfied with the now, always wanting time to hurry up so we could be older and do 'better things' Of course, the older we get, the more we wish we could get that time back and go back to being young. See? We're never satisfied with where we are now. Recently, I've been coming to terms with that.

Three years ago, I reluctantly moved back to Clarksville because that's what I had to do to get joint custody of my son. Even though as a mom, I don't want my son to ever grow up, as an unwilling resident of Clarksville, I've caught myself wanting time to speed up so I could leave here. I've written before how I didn't want to get involved in a serious relationship because years from now, I would want to leave and then where would I be? Well, that question comes up quite often as of late.

The idea that I will more than likely move away has been somewhat a shell of protection, my solid back-up plan, my excuse for staying alone. Because hey, if I'm painfully single in 4 or 5 years, I'll be free to move where ever I choose without having to worry about having the hard choice of leaving someone behind or electing to stay here. Granted, I have have time. I mean, really, absolutely anything can happen in half a decade, so it's almost impossible to make any solid plans of any kind. For the past 3 years, that planning has kept me going, given me a far away goal that was customized to me and only me. With each passing year, I became more sure that it would only be me that I would have to deal with, as my chance for finding Mr Right would begin to fade at an alarming rate.

Recently, about 5 weeks ago to be more precise, that plan started to alter. I started seeing someone whom I think holds a lot of possibility. We both are being extremely cautious where the heart is concerned, and rightfully so if your knew what we've each dealt with in the past. That caution has layed forth some unique ground rules in our relationship. The biggest of those rules is time. It's been felt that if we don't think of one another as 'The One' after 3 months of dating, than it's best to just back down to the notch of 'just friends' and go on searching elsewhere for our next (and hopefully last) partner. I understand the reasoning behind this deadline. The date of December 1st is what has been set. However my mind is still trying to solidify the details of what this all means and will mean. Just how does one keep their heart in check and protected while at the same time try to make room for another person? How do you let yourself see what feelings are possible with this other person while at the same time hold back from going all out and (dare I say) love this person or let them into your heart, knowing full-well that it might all be over with come December?

He said I'm gambling with my heart...he's probably right. Whether I'm falling in love with him...well, I don't know. I don't even know what that means exactly. How do you tell you love someone? Seriously. I was always under the impression that love lasts forever, yet the few times I thought I was in love, that 'love' faded. Was I not really ever in love in the first place? Or is that just what happens after a while? Love fades. The term 'forever' is maybe something just made up for the sake of a fairytale and doesn't exist in real life.

What does it feel like to honestly be in love with somebody? If we don't know, then how can we possibly walk away from a relationship because we're not 'in love' as we know it...which is probably more the idea we've gotten from Hollywood or fairytales anyway. How do we know when it's true love that we've fallen into? What are the signs?

Anyway, no matter how you look at it, I've been trying not to worry about it, what will be, will be. I'm trying my hardest to just enjoy the now and not wish the next few months away. For now, I'm happy. The happiest I've been in a long time, why would I want to wish that away on the gamble of what MIGHT happen come December? I don't have the luck for that, I think I'll stay just where I am for now. Right or wrong, love or not, I've had enough experience to realize that I'll miss this when it goes away, so might as well enjoy it while I have it.

Ponody's Nerfect

As usual, I've been reflecting on my recent past. This year I had started out with the hope that it was going to be a banner year for me, not 3 weeks into 2010, everything crashed. I've been trying to get up and dust myself off for 9 months now and everytime I do, somebody pushes me back down. I'm thinking I should lay low until January 1st 2011, lol.
I've come to know Clarksville as Limbo...that's how I feel anyway. I'm in this treading water situation that I just can't get out of no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try. I've tried so hard to rise above it and carry on, but let's face it, my heart just isn't in it. I'm trapped here until I'm 44...44! Even though my life is on hold, the aging process sure isn't! All I want is to find someone who will actually love me for the rest of my life and whom I can love back just as much. Out of everything in the world, that's all I want, but I have come to realize that it's asking too much. I've met a couple guys this year that I truly believe I could have loved and every one of them only lasted under a month. most vanished without a trace, a couple were kind enough to email or call with their 'why we weren't going to work' excuses and THEN vanish. I think my proble, is that I'm too picky....I only am interested in men who are, in every sense of the word, too good for me. Then I sit around stupidly thinking "What happened? What'd I do wrong?" Well DUH! A heart of gold doesn't count for much when it's stacked against the image and all-mighty looks factor. It's not that I'm angry at them for thinking such, I mean, I'm the same way, so I understand. So once again, here I sit in Borders on a Saturday night, staring into the sunset thinking "what if..."
I watched the movie 'The Holiday' several times today. I love that movie! I can SO identify with the characters. It always makes me laugh and cry. Some times it leaves me thinking "Yeah, THAT ending is Hollywood, that'll never happen in real life, at least not mine" and then there's the rare times I watch the credits with new-found hope and a glimmer of "Ok, maybe it can happen to me too" The former is where I'm sitting today.
The opening monologue is beautifully done by Kate Winslet, over a series of brief character introduction scenes....

"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespear's said 'Journeys end in lovers meeting....What an extra-ordinary thought. Personally I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe that Shakespear had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I'm constantly amazed by it's sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespear who also said "Love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some, quite inexplicatively, love fades... For others, love is simply lost. But then of course, love can also be found...even if only for the night.
And then there's another kind of love. The cruelest kind. The one that almost kills it's victims. It's called "un-requited love". Of that I am an expert Most love stories are about the ones who fall in love with each other, but what about the rest of us? Yje ones who fall in love alone. We are the cursed of the loved ones, we are the un-loved ones. The walking wounded. The handicapped without the advatage of a great parking spot......"

I imagine (quite frequently, in fact) that it would feel so amazing to actually be completely in love with someone AND have them be completely in love with me. I often wonder if I have ever even been in love. I know I've never been in a relatuinship where both parties were completely and totally in love with each other. I have thought that I was in love before though. Like Iris (Kate Winslet's role in The Holiday) I was in love alone and it was the darkest time of my life. The feeling that you would do absolutely anything for them but knew that they didn't feel the same of you was crushing. There were very few guys that fell into this catagory of my life, I can list them on one hand with a finger or too left over. A couple of them, my feelings have faded, but a couple of them are still the cause for tears. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that may be true for some. For me, I think that's a bunch of crap. Absence makes feelings fade, which can be good or bad, but in my experience, it's what happens. I think that's why people run away from relationships... they realize they're headed towards loving someone and it scares them. Forever is just not everyone's bag. Usually it's the same group of people that state they don't want to 'settle', so they keep looking for something better. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Popular saying. My Dad once told me "When you find what you're looking for, STOP LOOKING. Because if you keep on looking, you'll end up losing a good thing for the gamble of something better...and it's usually not better at all." I believe that....you spend your whole life trading up and before you know it, you've traded everything you once wanted for nothing.
I know I'm not perfect...FAR from it in fact. I'm aware that I'm not some Barbie Doll with a perfect figure, dazzling smile amd flowing beautiful hair. Even though I have a lot of great things personality-wise, I still have a few flaws there as well. Even the guys I've fallen for in my past weren't perfect. I even would list their flaws out loud to talk myself out of liking them so much. Did it work? Sometimes. But more often than not, I would only reflect back on each moment that I adored them in......they're ability to act, their compassion for others, their show of affection or thoughtfulness, anytime we shared a bond or a laugh or a moment. That's what I remember. Not the fact that they had scrawny arms or smoked or was a little too short or couldn't sing. The good always out-weighed the bad and that's why I still to this day look back with fondness. Of course, since I was the one who had fallen for them, my leaving or the distance thing never really affected them. They has no idea what they lost. If they did, I would never know because my moving so much, it's not like I risk bumping into them later on in life. True a couple guys I have that risk, but in a few years down the raod, I'll move away. Luckily, in my life, that moving around a lot has been a God-send I mean seriously, I've had more addresses than most military folks! I usually look at this as a good thing. It's an escape clause in my life. When things get too heated, I bolt. Usually under the reasoning of a job relocation or a 'valid' excuse, but still, I always have the chance to leave and take it.

There's another great monologue Kate gives in 'The Holiday' that SO rings true for me...

"I understand feeling as some and insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or how many gyms you join or how many glasses of wine you drink with your girlfriends. You still go to bed at night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think that you were THAT happy. Sometimes you convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that...how every long 'all that' may be, you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who'll make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all of that fuzzy stuff...those years that you've wasted, will eventually begin to fade"

Well, it's going on 8 pm, the sunset is long gone and my butt is molded to this stiff, uncomfy chair. I went over my calorie count last night by about 200 calories, so today I've been extra good. Of course, that (and my wallet) both tell me that another night at El Bracero's is totally out of the question. So, this very single lady is gonna head to Kroger and grab some flowers for my zebra vase and a Redbox movie, go home and snuggle up with her 2 dogs on the sofa and enjoy a chick-flick.

Night all....

Just Another Friday Night

Well, It's Friday night again. Just after 7 pm. I've been on my diet and execerise program for, what? 2 or 3 weeks now? This weekend was suppose to be my let it all go weekend, rewarded with a night out. Well, a good old fashioned dumping ain't gonna ruin THAT! Here I sit, at my favorite 'after I drop my son off' spot, with no one but me, myself and I piggybacking off of a wi-fi signal and crowded around a stiff margarita. I should be ok calorie-wise, with yesterday ending at under 1300 and today before El Bracero's at just over 500. Granted, I'll be the only one privy to my British accent, but oh well, that's the norm anyway. I'm sure my dogs won't think twice about it when I get home, lol. The girls at work said I had a 'bedroom voice' this week on the drive thru speaker, lol must have been my mood. Can't say it did much good though, as I didn't get any offers or numbers.



I won't have a picture with this blog since I don't take my Vaio out. I'm always on the Toshiba when I'm out and since my internet/cell service is off, piggybacking wi-fi is all I have for now. Yep, September has been one bang up month for me. Dumped, check bounced because my sister and brother screwed me on the fundraiser, electric will go off on Monday, but hey, my rent will get paid :) So I guess that's something. Actually this entire year has been cause for seriously tracking down a 'universal remore' like on that movie "Click", because it's ALL pretty much sucked, this YEAR has pretty much sucked and once I hit 2011 I will be SO happy! This year has been nothing but a pain in my ASS and I can not WAIT to put it behind me.



I have been throgh ENOUGH for the last few years. I mean serioulsy WTH is wrong with me? What did I do to derserve all this crap that's been shoved my way? No matter what I do, I end up getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop and I'm SICK of it! Sometimes I feel like suck a black sheep. My brother is great my sister is great, both have a lot of friends and are happily married with kids. They invite each other to cruises together and vacations, nights out on the town and everything. Did they ever ask me? Nope! For years I was married to a jerk who would sooner die than do anything with me or God forbid, my family. I wasted over a decade of my life with him, I gave up friends, opportunity, fun, all because I wanted to makle him happy. Where'd it get me? NO WHERE!



I'm now a 39 year old divorcee' who lives below friggen poverty level and is at the mercy of her parents to simply keep a roof over her head. I have no close friends, no one in my life who really gives a crap aside from my 2 dogs and my son (every other week). I'm trapped in a town with a crappy employment rate, stupid rules that screw me at every turn and no hint of a way out until my son graduates from high school 4 years from now. And I'm trying to slim down for what? That chance that at 44 I'll be able to leave and find some place that I can exist happily for the next howevere long, along and waiting to kick the bucket? How fun for me.



Meanwhile I get to hear how mom goes clear to Savannah to help my sister with her new baby for days at a time when 20 minutes was way to far for her to help ME with my son when he was born ( and I had a husband that told me that my child was ugly and how he 'didn't want to give him up for adoption but would..." Seriously?! My sister has more stuff for the new baby than she'll ever need, 3 babyshowers and all the support in the world. My brother and sister both got to go racing with my dad (somnething I would have LOVED to do, but alas, I was never in on that one either.) I just filled like the black sheep. I don't even know what I'm saying, just know that the place is closing down and I have to post and dash.

Night all! Catcha tomorrow, I plan on goinbg to Borders to use theur signal then :)

Under New Management

Well, I've come to the conclusion (I know, I've done that a lot lately) that my site needs a major overhaul. Apparently, it's insulting and rude to expect work to be done within a 6 month time frame. I must have missed that memo. It caused people to get totally pissed off at me and drop me like a hot potato, which I'm guess the work that I had done with them was also trashed. Lovely, isn't it? But I guess I was just so overly demanding and got upset at being shoved to the back burner time after time, this is my punishment. So fine, something obviously needed to change. Counting on 'friends' no longer works, in fact it is downright pointless unless your point is to give them a knife to shove into your heart. In which case....mission accomplished.

I've decided to just cut my losses and do a total overhaul on my business. Which means the only one I will have to truly count on is ME, that way, when I DO have a problem, no one else will be in any position to be blamed, insulted or pissed off. It'll all be me.

Business will probably go down for a bit at first, but hey, it's already at the bottom, so it can't be that bad, right? I started out taking my own pictures and filming myself before anyone else got involved, I'm sure I can do it again. Maybe I'll hire college students or someone to help me with the understanding that what is shot stays with me, all they have to do is shoot and go. The rest will be MY sole responsibility. No more counting on anyone else, forcing myself to sit back and play a very long waiting game and then having people get pissed because I say something about the time crunch. That's complete CRAP, it sucks and I'm DONE! I've had ENOUGH being stepped all over and then treated as though I'M in the wrong.

Things are gonna change TODAY and I'm starting with me.

The End

So it was recently brought to my attention that maybe I should please myself first and not worry so much about everyone else. In my recent experiences, I can't seem to please anyone and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. I know I have to stop and I know the people pleasing is an addiction with me. This year, I have dated more than ever before in my whole life and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere at all. If anything, it's made me feel horrible and hopeless. So I quit. I am officially turning my back towards the dating world and saying screw it!

Yeah, finding that mythical creature deemed as my perfect mate is a dream of mine, but seriously, I think it's just that...a dream. I have come to the conclusion that it's just not meant to be for me. If a person wrecks car after car after car, you would begin to wonder about their driving. I've wrecked relationship after relationship after relationship and even though it's never my intention, it just happens. I'm sick of it. I HATE feeling this way, so I'm done.

I'm walking away while I still can. Yeah it sucks to know that it's gonna be a lonely decade or so, but I look at it this way...

I no longer have to worry about pleasing anyone

I can come and go as I please, not having to check in, ask permission or feel guilty

No more false hopes get raised

No more eggshells have to be walked on

I can get as fat or as thin as I want without having to worry about who thinks what of my size

Don't have to worry about picking out just the right gift for major holidays and birthdays because I'll have no one to buy for except myself and I know what I like

Can sing at the top of my lungs in my living room because it's MY living room and no one else will ever be there to say I have to keep it down

Can walk around naked, in my costume or in my finest gown because again, who's gonna care?

Snuggling? I can curl up against my couch, it works just fine

As far as the libido goes and kissing, well, nothing in life is perfect, so that I'll just have to deal with, suck it up and rough it.

In 5 years, I can get the heck outta Dodge and no one is going to be there to have to discuss it or have a problem with it, all I will have to do is pack and pick a spot on the map

Nobody will be there to abuse, criticize, belittle or discourage me

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Nope, I've found that it helps you forget all the non-single crap you miss. The longer you're single the better you deal with it, maybe it's the key to happiness, who knows? Maybe THAT's what I've over-looked. I've been listening to that line 'better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' to which I say BULL!

Bitter? Maybe. Hurt? more than likely. Angry? Yeah, but only at myself for falling into the commercialized trap of being a couple equals happiness and sharing your life with someone is better than spending it alone. I think it was all thought up by someone who fell for it and is now trapped in it so, misery loving company, decided to drag everyone who was single into the same pit of quick sand.

Too much reality for ya? Well, I am tired of having to mind my p's and q's to make everyone esle happy, so if this all comes across as harsh, oh well. Yep, single life is great and once I fully adapt, I'll be just peachy :) The only sure-fire way of protecting your heart from getting ripped apart is to bottle it up and stick it on a shelf. Having fun is fine. Loving? That's risky business. I don't have enough heart to gamble with anymore, so I'm taking the easy way out and saying screw it, single is the way to go!

**The above was written under the influence of the pain and suffering of a heart, which has the side effect of spouting out anger

Heavy Subjects

I met this wonderful man who thought I was pretty okay as well. One problem...I was too heavy for him to be 100% attracted to me. I can understand not being the right size for someone's style, I myself wouldn't want to date someone who was of a certain size. But I can't wrap my brain around why something so superficial would be the only reason I wasn't deemed 'the one'. I mean, it's not like I'm obese. Two kids, a bad divorce and lots of depression later, yeah, I've packed on some extra weight. But that can be changed, and even Barbie doll's don't stay perfect 10s forever. My internal maek-up is something that's permanent which was fine, I guess. Although as usual, it wasn't good enough...story of my life- too good for this person, not good enough for that one.

Now I'm not happy with my weight. NOT because of him, I was unhappy about it for a long time before I even met him. I just lacked the motivation...incentive. That's one thing about people-pleasers such as myself...we thrive on encouragement and can't live without aiming to please someone. Our self-worth is pretty screwed up. We feel only as worthy as others see us. That's why I became so determined to stick to a diet and exercise plan. I felt I was given a reason to, a person to please. I know everyone will tell you that anything you try to overcome has to be solely for yourself for it to work. I beg to differ. People pleasers are a different breed. We HAVE to know that in the end, we've made someone happy. Without anyone to please, we will fail, we feel as though it's pointless because it only benefits ourselves, which to us just isn't a good reason. We are here to please others, to help others and to make others happy. It's just not in us to do it for ourselves. We're just not that selfish and no matter how hard we try, we can't put ourselves first without feeling guilty and selfish, whatever we do has GOT to help someone else or make someone else happy.

I was giving this alot of thought ever since the weight was explained to me as an issue. I looked back on all the times I have been very slim (aside from being built that way in my younger days) I did it to fix relationships, to make someone happy. Seeing that I had pleased someone else, in turn was what it took for ME to be happy. Once that someone was no longer in the picture, I viewed it as a serious failure and without conciously realizing it, I began to pack on pounds. Throughout my years in a relationship my weight was always determined by who I was with or who I wanted to get away from. I don't think I can help it. Granted, I'll never be huge, but there's just enough tip in the scales to matter. (The pictures I posted in this blog I took about an hour ago)

I know that doing my video clips as Wonder Woman, being skinnier would make me more money, but now that I have no one to shoot the clips or be in them with me, my loosing weight for that is pointless too. So seriously, what's the draw? Where's the incentive? The fact that I MIGHT meet someone and have them be attracted to my body? Please! That's more of a gamble than me actually trying to please who I'm with (or was with, as the case may be) At the same time, I'm being told that someone wanting me to be thinner for them to like me is uninportant, yet that's the reason they don't like me now/ I'm confused! I'm being told that if I loose the weight, then they might like me then. I say BULL! I am beginning to believe that it isn't my weight that's truly an issue with them, it's THEM! They had to find some reason to push me away, so my weight was what they picked. I will bet good money that even if I lost the weight, they'd find something else wrong simply because they aren't ready for a relationship. THAT is what it boils down to. Not my weight or anything else. I will be bold enough to say that I AM a decent person and I HAVE a decent body (though not perfect) and by simply nit-picking and pushing me away AFTER I've developed feelings for them because they aren't ready to step out of the single zone is ridiculous.

I have come to believe that if you tell someone you are stopping the relationship now, "before anyone gets hurt", it's too late, at least one of you will be hurt regardless. It's usually me. I put myself out there, share things about myself and end up getting hurt. Oh joy, what a suprise. You would think I would have learned by now, but hope foolishly springs eternal.

I've just got to learn to suck it up and do without. I just wish my next several years would pick up the pace and fly by. I really need to get away from everyone. Clarksville just isn't working for me. I need to relocate to some remote place, get a job and small place that's cheap and live out my life alone....thin, fat, whatever. There will be no one to work towards making happy so maybe.... just maybe... I'LL learn how to be happy on my own, even though my make up is totally against that. If not....well, I'll stay just as I am...alone, searching for someone to make happy, so I can be happy too :)

Toll Bridges

I know I've been MIA for a while, just over a month to be exact. It's been crazy busy here, what with school starting and relationships failing. Lots going on, that's for sure. Of course, for you handful of readers, it's given me tons to focus on and put onto my computer screen :)

My main theme that seems to find itself into all of my blogs, is my relationships (or lack there of). The matters of my heart are always first and foremost on my mind when I thing of blogging and that's quite an accomplishment seeing as though over the years, my heart has been chopped and diced down to such a little piece.

I learned something today.....I'm a great girl next door. Really sweet, non-materialistic, caring and fun to be with. Not super hard on the eyes, although I'm not a total Barbie Doll or anything. I try so hard to please everyone else and sometimes I even lose myself in the process. But let me get upset or angry and the guys who have promised friendship immediately turn on me.

Why is that? Am I not allowed to get upset at anything? Is that honestly fair? Is that truly friendship when one has to bottle up dissappointment or hurt? Anger or being let down? I always thought being a true friend was being someone you could vent too, could be upfront and honest with. When did the rules for friendship change? I must have missed the memo on that one.

Twice this year, I've had guys whom I had believed to be trusting friends, guys I've loved and believed in....counted on even, just completely turn on me because I got upset and somewhat lashed out. (Not to the extreme, but voiced my discontent) Is this really how friendship works nowadays?

I've learned the hard way....several times over.... that you can't count on anyone but yourself. I love the idea of building bridges to others, having friends and relationships, but you have to guard your heart so much more closely. You have to build toll bridges....reaching out to others but requiring a toll of sorts from them before you trust them all out with your heart. Otherwise, your bridge not only risks getting burnt, but you do as well.

So what happens now? I have no idea. I just have to pick up the pieces...again...and move on. I'll shove all those feelings in another bottle (I have quite a collection) and try to go back to before those guys were even in my life. It's painfully obvious that it's what they've done, so why should I try to fix everything? It's an extreme rarity for any man to admit that they are just as much at fault for the burning as I am. I've learned that several times over and through my experience, it's never really happened. They just up and leave, blaming the woman. If that's the way it's gotta be, then fine. I'm tired of always being the door mat, the one that cleans up the mess and smoothes over everything. I was JUST as hurt as they were, maybe even more so and I'm done. I'll woman up and admit I was wrong...apologize and everything, but only if they have the guts to do the same. Men are suppose to be the stronger of the genders, so I'll leave it to them to go first. It's that's just too much to ask, then ok, fine. I guess they'll have to walk away and become part of my painful past, but not my future.

As painful as this all is....this too, will pass

Waiting......

All of us have to wait. It's inevitable, a fact of life and we hate it. There's a saying...waiting for your ship to come in. What if it nevers does? I believe I'm in that spot. I've waited all my life to be truly happy and I think I missed it, maybe I should've been at the airport instead of the dock?

When you're young you can't wait (although you have to) to grow up and get started with your life. Whether it be college, a career, a family, traveling....whatever. Once we do graduate, we enter college or the work force but say we can't wait until we're successful (whatever THAT means). Then there's how we can't wait to do this or go there or have that. Pretty soon, before we know it, we've waited for all of these things and they never happened. Maybe some of them did, but we were so busy waiting for something else that we missed the fact that we got something that we had wanted earlier.

I've always been a dreamer, I couldn't help it, still can't in fact, it's part of my nature. I dream of big things. I build things up in my mind to a point where when the reality of that happening happens, it's smaller than my imagined version, therefore I don't realize that particular ship came in.

I ended up dreaming my life away. Never being satisfied with where I was in time, always wanting more and better. Maybe that's why my marriage crumbled. Silly me, I wanted a family man who loved me and loved being with me, wanted to go places with me and my son as a family, do things as a family and so forth. I just wasn't content being a stay-at-home mom and not going anywhere except by myself (along with my son, but not my husband). I got tired of waiting so I left. I figured he wouldn't notice, he ignored me anyway, he was so absorbed in his own self and his online ladies.

He noticed, but just enough to punish me for it. So now here I am, trapped in Clarksville, a divorcee with a son (well, half the time anyway). No money, little social life and a broken heart. I've tried my best to put him behind me, to try new things and date. The new things are ok, sometimes I even have fun, but it's still just me, as a single, so inside I still have that emptiness and lonliness, a void where I want so desperately to have someone there. The dates I've been on, I go on with such high hopes and then leave the date thinking 'no chemistry' or sometimes elated because I did have chemistry with them and they promise to call, but don't. That makes me down, feeling worse than I did before I even tried.

Why I even bothered, I'll never know. I put my heart (or at least what's left of it) out there on the line and where does it get me? I end up getting trampled all over. My heart has really been through the ringer this past year and I've just had enough! However, hope springs eternal so I will more than lukely stand up, brush myself off, pick up my mangled heart and wait. After all, good things come to those who wait, right? I'll have to wait and see

Letting Go

We all hang onto things...sometimes relationships....much longer than we should. That emotional baggage that builds up inside can be truly crippling at times, weigh us down and stop us from doing what's best. I happen to be somewhat of an expert on this, I am an emotional packrat. I know I should do massive spring cleaning in my life, but knowing and doing are two seperate things entirely.

I stayed in an emotionally unhealthy relationship for well over a decade because I simply couldn't bring myself to let go. Fear of the unknown, the being outside my comfort zone, kept me from taking that giant leap of faith. Even now, I still cling onto it in some ways. I finally gathered the guts to leave the relationship, but it's scarring has held my heart prisoner ever since.

I let it's memory of everything bad about a relationship influence my next relationship. I am a very open person, yet still hold my heart very close, keeping it guarded. I'm flexible, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I fear change, I fear rejection and those fears hold me back from loving someone all out. I can't count the times I wanted to do things or say things that would show how much I cared, but the fear held me back from acting on it.

Maybe deep inside I knew that it would never work out, so in some way thought why try? I'd just be setting myself up for even more heartache when the time for good-bye came around. Or maybe it was simply because the spark just wasn't big enough. I know I still think back on things I could have done better. How foolish I was to ever think that a true spark or that pure happy energy you feel simply by sitting next to someone would even be possible decades after the intense 'schoolgirl crushes'. But I've come to realize that it is possible to feel that way no matter what your age, you just have to let go and allow yourself to be swept away by that energy. For a long time now, I swore that I just wasn't anyone's 'forever girl', that I was more of a 'she'll do for now' type. I'm beginning to understand that since that's how I thought of myself, that's how others saw me. So, here's to letting go. May it help me find that spark and fan the little flame so it can become a raging emotional fire that warms my heart and the heart of the one I find :)

Happy Birthday John!!

Every woman has her favorite actor, who usually doubles are her dream guy and is on her "list". Mine is John Cusack. I mean come on, he's perfect! Tall, trim, sweet, handsome, talented, down-to-earth, family-oriented, black belt in kickboxing, need I go on? I've seen almost all his movies, own a lot of them and everyone of them I'll watch, dreaming of being his leading lady.

Well, today is his 43rd birthday, so I just wanted to say a big Happy Birthday John!! Keep those wonderful movies coming and maybe one day, I'll get to meet you in person :)

28 Days

I saw an older Sandra Bullock movie last night, 28 Days. Sandra portrays a writer with an addiction to several 'poisons' but the most prominent was alcohol. She shows up to her sisters wedding drunk and ends up smashing the wedding cake and then after borrowing the limo, crashes it through the front window of a local living room. She's sentenced to 28 days of rehab, it's that or jail time. In that 28 days, she makes a complete turn around in her way of thinking (and living), overcoming some pretty rough days while she dries out. Naturally, it got me thinkng....

I'm not an addict of anything, well, at least not of anything illegal. I do have a problem with motivation though. That lack of motivation coupled with my ever-increasing age has lead to major poundage in the lower mid section. I'm now completely repulsed by my reflection and find myself scrambling to find something that covers up the buldge. I weighed myself tonight and almost fainted by what the scale said.....178 pounds! I haven't been this heavy in years! In a small defense, I will say that recently I have started eating several times a day since I have heard for years that when you rarely eat, you body goes into a starvation mode and tends to hang on to every calorie you consume. When you DO start eating normal amounts of food, you body, still believing it's got to hang onto every calorie DOES. The result? More weight and an increasing urge to eat, lol. Since I refuse to go out and buy bigger clothes to cover up the pooch and look uncomfortably stuffed into the clothes that I have now, something's GOT to change.

I'm giving myself an 28 day challenge......28 days, 28 minutes a day being very active and (hopefully) 28 pounds to shed. That will bring me down to an even 150, which for someone who's 5'10" is a good weight to reach. It also happens that '28' is my favorite number, so we shall see :)
Let the losing begin!!

Do Bears Bare? Do Bees Be?

Anyone who grew up during the 80's may remember this phrase, it was probably the first time you'd remember seeing the famous Bruce Willis and with a great head of hair! He and Cybil Shepard bantered back and forth every Monday night for several years in the popular tv series 'Moonlighting'. I was a huge fan of the show and recently, a favorite of my son's. We've been watching the tv series this week and boy has it brought back memories!

From the pilot episode, I was in love with Bruce Willis. He was footloose and fancy free, funny, caring and stubborn, lol He made me laugh all the time and I've never dropped him from my 'list'. Two main memories come back to me with Moonlighting.....a guy in my theatre class and a guy in band with me. The theatre guy and I were great friends and we both loved Moonlighting. We could bicker and banter back and forth at the same time (for fun) just like David and Maddie. We'd always end simultaniously, both saying "Understand?.....GOOD!" lol

The guy from band was like David in the way that his family's 'class' and mine were way different. He came from 'the wrong side of the tracks' and even though my parents were always very accepting of others no matter what, this guy made them hold certain reservations. For the longest time, I thought he hated me. He picked on my, made fun of me and made my first year or two pure hell at that school. Then it came to pass that he actually really liked me and we ended up being really good friends.

Lots of memories come up simply by watching an old tv show. Not only is it still entertaining, but it will always have an extra specialness for me.....memories :)

Lockdown

I have voluntarily put my heart on lockdown. Solitary confinement for an indefinate period of time. After the break up of my last boyfriend, and the dust of anger had settled, I still clung onto the hope that we had a future together and that he would come to see that. Of course, I did that with my ex-husband and instead of wanting me back, he just went out and married someone else. It was a crushing blow to know that you weren't worth it. Well, it's happened again (he didn't get married, but came to the conclusion that saying goodbye was the answer). It hurts, quite a bit in fact, but what can you do aside from duct tape him to a chair? They say that 3rd times a charm, I say I'm just setting myself up again. I even deleted the personal ads I had online, I need to take a break and heal. Either way, I'm too old for babies, to average to be arm candy and have little to offer anyone, so why wear out what's left of my heart on short-term relationships? I don't need anyone to help me pick out movies or to eat out with me, I can do those things by myself, have been for years. Vacations? Been there done THAT myself too. Would be nice to share that experience sure, but I'm perfectly capable of doing it alone. I buy my own flowers, treat myself to little items to show how thoughtful I am and enjoy taking myself out for a margarita anytime I want. The best part is that I won't ever wake up to me telling myself "It's over, I'll leaving". See? I'll be just fine. Now, Me, Myself and I are going to go start planning our vacation.....

Green With Envy

About a week ago, my son and I kicked off our summer with a movie, one of the several things that we wanted to be able to do this summer. He picked the new 'Shrek The Final Chapter' (or Shrek Forever After). We decided to not see the 3-D version, which worked well for me because those 3-D glasses had to be worn OVER my own glasses, which is awkward.

The movie was great, I laughed out loud through a great deal of it. It was the basic story of 'you don't know what you have until it's gone', done Shrek-style. There was a part of the movie where Shrek had basically gone back in time and things had changed. He had never met his true love, Fiona in this alternate reality. When he did, he knew who she was but she had no idea of who HW was. When he told her that he was suppose to have rescued her, she told him that (in HER reality) she waited and waited but he never came. That she found out the hard way that fairy tales are a waste of time, that she couldn't rely on anyone but herself, so she gave up and rescued herself from the tower. That part of the movie wasn't funny. It touched on some very hard points that really hit home.

For far too long, I've been waiting for my true love and for too long I've been let down. Fiona is right, fairy tales don't exist. If you want to be 'rescued' you have to do it yourself. Period.

Sooner or Later

Alot of people saw the movie 'Avatar' recently. The graphics were amazing although the storyline wasn't really all that new. Jake was, in real life, crippled and confined to a wheel chair. He was given the chance to go to a foriegn planet where he was given an avatar with which he could walk with the natives of the planet as one of them. He did this by basically having his body go to sleep and his mind transfer to the avatar. While he was in his avatar, he could walk again, learned a new way of life and as in most movies, fell in love. When he woke up, he was back in hius real body and again, crippled. I understand his wanting to remain asleep and in his avatar. The dream world offers what reality can't and that can be pretty appealing.

I'm to quick to trust and to quick to love. I would rarely admit this in person, but it's true. I have yet to understand whether it's out of being naive or desperate. Niether one is good and leads to a lot of heartbreak. Maybe it's due to the learned fact that people go away, vanish, move (or at least I do) and for whatever reason, just break the connection. It's been said that 'it's a dog eat dog world' and I have found that to be true. Do unto others before they can do unto you is basically what it means.

I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I truly believed that everyone was honest with me. Why wouldn't they be? What reason did they have to lie? I was a regular Pollyanna when it came to such things. Young and stupid. Well I grew up. Even though I still have a habit of trusting people way more than I should, I do have boundries and only trust them so far. I would say that women and men are the same in the battle to tell the truth, but my experience has taught me that men tend to have a bigger problem with being honest. Maybe it's because I have more male 'friends' than I do female ones. I use the term 'friends' loosely. My definition of a true friend is someone who will always be there for you no matter what, and be up front and honest. Support you, be your shoulder to cry on and your arms to fall into when needed. Maybe that's being to demanding, because I've never had many and lately they're dropping like flies. Of course that's probably my fault as well. It's those boundries that I have. I truly long for someone to just hug me tight and tell me everything'll be ok. Not anylize me, not judge me, not even try to to fix what's wrong, just hold me. People lie about so much, why can't they lie about that? About everything being okay?

That broken connection people give me would usually signal that it was getting close to time for me to up and move. Since I know that's not the case, it bother's me about how many people have become well, less than what I expected from a friend. That's gonna make the next few years here pretty difficult to say the least.

When I was little, I was often accused by my mother of living in a dream world. She was right, I did dream a lot. I wasn't happy with being the ugly duckling, always the new kid in town, never any really good friends to hang out with for years and years. I was a wall flower, the skinny girl with braces that always got picked last for any team. I never had boys flock after me and put up with relentless teasing. Reality sucked, who WOULDN'T want to live in a dream world? Well reality still sucks. I'm not as much of a wall-flower as I used to be, I'm no longer that skinny, my braces have been off for decades and I no longer get teased, but other than that, life's pretty much the same. I still have my dream world though. I'll act out all kinds of scenarios from giving my ex what-for to accepting a Golden Globe (or at least just have the honor of being nominated, lol). Of course, just like in the movie 'Avatar'.....sooner or later, you have to wake up.

At Last

I grew up with a plan...to be an actress. When I entered high school, my mom sat me down and told me it was time to start planning for college, so 'what did I want to be when I grew up?' I said an actress. She laughed and said "I don't think so, actresses are thin and pretty and talented, you need to find something more realistic for you" I thought for a moment and came up with 'an airline stewardess', with which she retorted "The same principles apply with that one, what else?" I wracked my brain and finally came up with 'a teacher'. She came back with "Well, you better start studying harder". Secretly, I still wanted to be an actress or a singer the most. I would 'perform' in front of my mirror and even do pretend interviews with Johnny Carson as well as acceptance speeches for various awards. On the outside, I never let on again that I wanted to be an actress.

In college, I even started out majoring in French so I could be a French teacher, taking a minor in theatre. Later on I would switch my major to Theatre, of course, maintaining that I would simply 'teach theatre'. Well, we moved out of state to a city that out of several colleges, NONE of them offered a BFA and decent theatre courses, so I entered the job force and put my college on the backburner. I soon met the man who would become my husband for just about a decade and my plans changed drastically. I sunk into the role of housewife and mother. With each passing year, the girl I once was drifted further and further away until I was simply a shell of my old self.

In 2006 I finally got a clue and left him, we were divorced in 2007 and now have split custody of our son. Currently I'm stuck in Clarksville until my son is old enough to decide who he lives with full-time (or he graduates) Either way, I face the fact that I'm gonna be here for quite a while. I'll be 40 on my next birthday, when he graduates I'll be about 45. Until then, I'm rather stuck in Limbo.

Limbo is a funny place to be, makes you think crazy things. There for a while, I still had my heart set on getting my fairytale....remarried, maybe have another child and living happily ever after. Besides, my ex had done just that, and in record time after the divorce I might add. Maybe that added to my lunacy, that 'keeping up with the Jones' way of thinking. I've been back in the dating pool for a while now and after a hard long look at my life, I am finally pretty clear on what I want.

I want to have my cake and eat it too. Yes, I want a man in my life (WANT, not NEED), someone whom I can be there for and stand beside. Someone I can go places with, hold hands as we walk through the crowd, laugh with and grow old with. Someone who understands that we will both be there for one another and love each other whether we're rich or poor, sick or healthy. A husband? Not so much. I love my last name and I love the thought of still maintaining some freedom. Besides, I was married and while so, I STILL did family vacations with just me and my son, outings, school functions, shopping, everything. I actually wouldn't know what to do if I had someone come with us (or me once my son is away at college) I'm not afraid to go out by myself, I've done it for decades. But I still just want to be loved.

Having another child? Seriously, who am I kidding? I don't want to be mistaken for the child's grandparent when I attend their high school graduation. And how will I ever afford college at almost retirement age? It's crazy! Besides I really want to start to travel more. I'm renewing that passport and USING it! That's really hard to do, for me it'd be impossible to do if I had another child. I would have to spend the rest of my life raising the child and never get to go anywhere. I have my son and then I have my dogs :) Man or no man, I'll be just fine....although a travel buddy would be awful nice! But hey, I've got several more years to worry about that. Now back to my evening alone.......

The Long and the Short of it

Well, I did it! After well over a decade of having long hair, I finally got up the courage to cut my hair! I went in for a coloring and walked out with a totally new look.

My hair had gotten almost down to my waist, but was in really bad shape. I had found more than a few grays in my hair as well, which signaled it was time to take the plunge and have it colored professionally. I knew I'd have to loose about 5 or 6 inches at least to get it back to looking healthy, so after looking through the phone book and walking up and down the halls of the mall, I decided on a salon and made my appointment.

My appointment was at 10am, allowing plenty of time between dropping my son off at school and picking him up. I got there a good 10 - 15 minutes early, just in case. The gate was still down, as they open at 10. I was standing around outside when my cell phone rang. It was the salon.....my stylist was running late so could I have my appointment moved to 11am instead? Sure, I thought. It still allows me time to get back to the school for pick up. I meandered through the mall, window shopping, untill 11.

Appointment time finally arrived and I sat in the chair explaining what I wanted. She decided to go ahead and cut the 5 or 6 inches off first and then color and then shape it up afterwards. Made perfect sense to me, so we got started. I chose this deep auburn/burgundy shade. She actually HAD purple and I've always wanted to dye my hair a crazy color just once. However my manager would have sent me home until I changed it to a 'normal' color, so I reluctantly over-looked the purple for now.

She did little groups at a time, so it took a while. I remember feeling almost grateful that my hair was half as thick as it used to be! I sat there and tried to read the book I brought while the color worked it's way in, but this proved to be furile. Nancy, the lady in a couple chairs over was a real talker. I take it she new her stylist fairly well and went on and on about so and so's divorce and the children and the women that she knew. She also mentioned how she was 37, which blew me away and I actually had to restrain myself from blurting out "Get OUT of here!" because she looked so much older. I thought wow, I'm in pretty good shape for 39 if she's only 37! her roots, which had grown out a good 2 or 3 inches were solid gray. To think I was worried because I had 10! And even without my glasses I could tell she had more wrinkles than my pug.

Aaahhh time for the rinse! Even though I love when salons wash or condition my hair, the fear of getting water in my ears still bothers me, so I have to remind myself relentlessly to relax. I swear, it's physically exhausting to be so tense for so long! She puts some kind of cream on my hair that smells like coconuts and then we switch to something that resembled bananas. The next cream smelled like strawberries and just when I was beginning to feel like a tropical island girl with a basket of fruit for a hat, Nancy's perm solution whiffed passed my nose. Yuck! THAT'll wake you up from any daydream!

We headed back to the chair where she proceeded to snip. And snip, and snip and snip....I was startled at the amount she was cutting. Had she forgotten that she already cut off quite a bit BEFORE we colored?! But the more I thought of it the more I sat there and just watched as my hair fell to the floor. I had told myself I needed a real change and the hair is one of the easiest ways to do it. So I let her have at it. She blew it dry and styled it and wow was it now short! I had never gotten my hair cut other than a slight trim after I had gotten married because my ex loved my long hair and didn't want it short. Then it became a modeling issue as most the superheroines I portray have long hair. But this was a good thing, a really big change for me. I do like it, even though I'm still wondering if I should have kept it a little longer and will proceed in growing it out again. I've had no complaints thus far, so I guess it looks ok :) If not, I have several wigs I can always sock on! :)

How Far?

It's always struck me funny how I see a couple come into a restaraunt, get a booth and both of them will sit together on the same booth, leaving the other empty. I know they're not waiting for friends because I'm a slow eater and will usually see people come, eat and leave before I do. Why do some couples do this? Do they honestly love each other so much that they can't bear to be apart for the 30 minutes they're going to be there? Are they doing something they shouldn't be doing in public with their hands when they're off the table? I guess I've never been so head over heels in love that I HAD to be in the same booth, side by side my boyfriend. In fact, I'd feel a little claustrophobic.

Of course, then there are the old couples that come inching past me. They look as if they're in their 70's or so. I admire the fact that they're so old, yet they still have their partners. I can't help but wonder what it will be like for me when I'm that old. That's a little more than 30 years from now for me. Wull I have found a partner by then? Or will I still be eating by myself? It's times like these when I can only hope my son is willing to take in his old gray-haired mother when she's to old to drive. Or, maybe I'll kick the bucket the same say I can no longer care for myself? Kinda scary, but all I can do is wait and see I guess :)

El Durango Speciale

Every other Friday evening, after I drop my son off at his dad's I head towards this little Mexican Restaraunt close by, El Bracero. "Just one?" The maitre'd asks in his Hispanic accent. I'm now considered a regular there. They know when I walk through the door that it's just one and that I will order a margarita with sugar instead of salt. More often than not, I will get 'El Durango Speciale' as my dinner. It's awesome! It's 3 thin fried chicken breasts & 6 grilled shrimp covered with a yummy white cheese sauce and then a side of rice with a shell of sour cream and guacamole. When I'm throwing caution to the wind, I'll also have a flan for dessert. Even though it's just me, I will sit there and leisurely people watch for well over an hour. They don't rush me since I have earned my 'regular' status (not to mention, I tip well).

It's such a relaxing way to spend my evening and the strong margarita gives me the umph I need to go back to my house and start my weekend alone (well, single and kid free, I still have my dogs greet me with happy tails). While I'm there, I overhear bits and pieces of conversation that revolves around the balls Joe had for leaving Mary for Lucy or how if the girlfriend doesn't start acting like they're 'okay' the boyfriend is going to just leave without ordering. I see the interactions of whole families spending an evening out, mom, dad, kids and all or the office girls all partaking in a girls' night out. I wonder what they think of me, sitting there all alone? Do they think I'm being stood up or just hopelessly single and alone? Maybe they think I'm a food critique or an author of some sort since sometimes I jot down notes and various observations.

Though I've been divorced for 3 years now, I've been very used to eating by myself for over a decade. My ex was never huge into going out. We did on various occaissions and I loved it, but not as much as I'd like and hardly ever as a family once my son was born. That's what I miss the most and what I so desperately want to experience. Being out as a family. I often wonder if I'll ever get to experience that. Maybe I'm too old and have to just suck it up and face it that it's once experience I missed out on. But hope springs eternal. In the meantime, I will look upon those lucky ones with sincere admiration and sip my margarita with sugar, no salt. Cheers!

Out of the Box

I helped a friend pack up today, getting ready for a move. I gotta say, I was kinda jealous. I can only DREAM of moving (and do, often). It was a lot easier than packing my own stuff up. I have a bad tendency to go through every little thing of my own, and before I know it, I've taken a trip several miles down Memory Lane and packed 1 or 2 measley boxes! Because the stuff wasn't mine, I could focus at the task at hand much better and was able to not only get everything boxed up, but had consolidated everything so much that I had several empty boxes left. That's one good thing that comes from moving alot, I guess.

Coincidentally my church's new sermon series is on hoarding. I missed last Sunday, so I'll have to watch the sermon online now, I just KNOW there's something in that sermon for me! I may move around a lot and can pack rather well, but I have A LOT of stuff to pack. I am, by definition, a hoarder. I hold on to most everything that means something to me. I have to learn to let go and I know that. Maybe by the end of this series I will be able to get rid of a lot of stuff that just becomes more of a pain in the butt to move than it does me any good to hang onto. You'd think that my moving around a lot would have taught me to 'travel light', I assure you the opposite is true. I've learned in all my years of moving that people go away, but you can hang onto something that person gave you forever.

My memory is so good some times, it's a curse. I wish I could simply forget the past. I know it'd be a lot easier than the pain of remembering. Unfortuantely happy memories can be just as painfil as unhappy ones. Funny how that works, right? In fact, when I think about it harder, unhappy memories make you glad to be rid of them, but the happy memories can be disheartening because you then realize that the happiness you felt IS a memory, it's a wonderful moment in time that you can't get back. Why DOES it make one sad to remember? I do know that you only really think of those 'happier' times when you're not happy with where you are in the present, maybe that's why they can cause so much pain.

Either way, happy or sad, it's always been hard for me to let go of the 'stuff'. That's more than evident when you look through my closets and attic! Maybe next time I move, I will have soaked up everything the sermon's on hoarding had to say and can finally part with all that stuff that's cluttering my life. Maybe when I move, but right now, when there's just me, I gotta hang onto my stuff :)

Leap of Faith

It's probably no big secret how my self-esteem dips down into the 'non-existant' realm far to often. I've had issues with it all my life. I always fear that I won't be pretty enough or thin enough or interesting enough.....just ENOUGH, for anyone. There have been many times in my life where I found I wasn't enough, for whatever reason. Relationships have given me several examples of that and unfortunately, it's made me a bit gun-shy about the whole thing.

Now that I'm 39, even though I know what I want in a relationship, I fear that being older, thicker (okay, not the petite size 4's that are at every turn) and such, that my selection is limited. After being dumped by my last boyfriend, I put myself up on the block, so to speak. Put my profile out there for the male world to judge and with a half-hearted mindset on actually finding someone new, dove into the dating pool...again. Yes, I was once again heartbroken at the thought of yet another relationship down the tubes, but I thought if I get out there and drum up some attention, maybe I won't notice how much pain I'm in and in the process, actually find someone.

From day one I had plenty responses to pick from. It made me laugh out loud to see all the mail in my inbox. If they met my minimum criteria of having a picture and being within my age range, I would at least respond. Quite a few have looked great, chatted with me or corresponded with meaty emails, some even spoke with me on the phone, but then they'd just vanish, just drop off the face of the earth. Since I knew I wasn't really ready to date right away anyway, I'd brush it off as no big deal.

Well, the sting of the dumping wore down to a moderate bruising and I began to rethink the whole dating thing as a whole. I mean seriously, I KNOW I'm not going to be stuck in Clarksville forever, so why bother taking the chance of getting attached to someone else? I mean as soon as humanly possible, I'm jumping ship, I'm outta here. I don't even want to stay in TN at this moment. So I came to the conclusion that I might as well get outta the pool and dry off, just focus on me for a while.

My ex-bf decided to put himself out there on the market, (which I'll admit, stung at first) but then wanted to maintain an 'open-relationship' with me "until one of us was taken". It sounded like a good offer...having a casual date every once in a while with someone I already knew, knowing it would never develop into anything. But then it's started to settle in as to what that actually entails. I realized that I was setting myself up for major heartbreak (well, out of what was even LEFT of my heart). I mean seriously, after 11 years of marriage that ended and then an almost 2 year relationship that just ended, I don't have much left to break. But my first thought was that "Hey, it's better than nothing".

A little more analysis showed me that I was keeping myself unavailable for a new relationship, stringing my heart along with someone that has told me that "We" were never going to work out, and then what will happen after he does find someone new? I will once again be devastated. Besides, who worth a relationship in the first place will want to START a relationship with me if I'm still 'casually dating someone'? Answer...nobody.

As much as I fear being totally alone (not really physically, but emotionally) I don't want to stay in a relationship that's going to knowingly break my heart AGAIN later on down the road. I've decided that I'm worth more than just being someone's consulation prize, someone who's being used until someone else better comes along. I figure if I'm going to make myself available to other guys, than I should be able to be completely available. Sometimes I tell myself maybe we were meant to be together and we'd be able to work out the issues between us, but if that's true, I think we have a much better chance just beings friends until we figure that out. If we can't, we can't, but at least I will not have wasted even more time with the wrong guy.

So, it's a leap of faith. The right guy is out there, somewhere. If it actually was my ex, than we'll come to that conclusion, but not casually dating and such. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder? Well, we'll see, but I don't want to be someone to use until someone better comes along, I want to BE the someone better to somebody and I deserve that much.

Three's a Crowd

Well over a month ago, in my haste to mend my son's broken-heart because his beloved Puggles went missing, I brought home Roxie. She was being given up by her family because they were moving out of state and couldn't take her with them. She was comparable to Puggles in that she was the same age, breed and size of Puggles. Puggles is an all black pug, but Roxie is the fawn with a black mask pug. BOTH are absolutely adorable, however with Appollo, that makes 3 dogs and a lot to keep up with, so Roxie has to go. I couldn't become one of those people that I despise...the kind that gets a dog but then turns around to sell for a profit because the dog is just 'too much'. I will say that I really thought that Puggles was gone for good, I would have never taken on Roxie if I had thought Puggles would be back. So, I contacted the Humane Society and surrendered Roxie, however I will be fostering her until a suitable home is found because I don't want her to bounce around to homes until a forever home is found.

The Humane Society will take applications and screen potential families to make sure it WILL be a forever home that she goes to, which I like. I also offered to cover $50 of her vetting bill which is the top amount that I can afford, plus I would have updated her on her shots regardless. So, she'll be going to the vet for shots and spaying sometime next week, then be placed on the Humane Society's list of adoptable dogs. She really is a sweetheart and I think she'll be adopted out fairly soon. She'll make someone a wonder lapdog because she loves to cuddle, they'll just have to watch out for that pug kiss! She's got the longest tongue in the free world!

Time to Dye!!

One of the signs of aging is gray hair...I hate that. Ever since I got my new glasses, I've noticed several gray hairs that are JUST out of reach of my sight and the tweezers. Getting old sucks. As Truvy in the play Steel Magnolias said..."Time marches on and sooner or later, you'll realize it's marching across your face" Yep, wrinkles are showing up too. I don't need to look old, not yet! Just my luck, I'm single and don't have the luxury of 'letting myself go' despite my rapidly advancing age. To be honest, I haven't ever gorged myself on bon bons while sitting around watching soaps, but still, if not for attracting Mr Right (whom I believe is a mythical creature anyway) I still have to fight crime in satin tights. Satin doesn't give, so I guess it's to Walmart to collect some hair dye and Oil of Olay wrinkle cream and then beat feet to the track to work off the love handles. I find that an ironic term...love handles. I get them but no one to hang on to them....something seriously wrong with THAT picture!

Missed One

As you know, us Amazing Amazons have various talents. One of them happens to be deflectimg bullets with our magic bracelets, but we're not perfect. Sometimes we miss. This weekend was one of those times, I was shot at and it caught me by such suprise that I missed (deflecting it). I was hit, directly in the heart. Luckily I have some of the best doctors in the world here to help me with my recovery. Someday soon I hope to have my poor heart back on the road to recovery, but now, it's in surgery, so the outcome is unknown at this point.

Let There Be Light!! part2

Monday morning, after rotating the dogs, I went to work, hoping that the worst was over and I would now start to move up-ward, well, at least a little bit anyway. Not much actually went wrong, which was a plus. Worked a very long day though, especially since after 2pm, I was put on the drive-thru window. That means that I'm basically on my own, aside from having a sandwhich maker. That can be stressful, being just as busy, but with less than 1/2 the staff, it heaps on how much I need a new job! Got through it though, and after the dogs were settled, I got onlne. The rest of the night was fairly ok, minus the few calling cards I had to mop/cleann up

Tuesday was a bit worse. After rotating the dogs, I left for work......9 hours plus, no break and spending the entire time standing, working in a 3 x 5 area was exhausting. My ex had texted me but of course, I never had a chance to call to see what's up. My son actually called me at work and said the school had called his father to come and get him, he was twitching all over. I finally get off work and my ex calls while I'm waiting on my food. Naturally, I have yet to sit down, my co-workers were asking me about my order and was just not ready to listen to him, I said to call me back in 15 minutes. He didn't because HE told me that I was to call HIM back. I talk to my son again on the way home and as I hang up, am clammering to get to my front door with my arms totally loaded down with stuff. I flip the switch for the lights and nothing happens. U hadn't gotten to the electric office to pay my bill, so they cut off my power. After getting a few candles lit and the dogs rotated, which was a real treat only having a few candles lit, I called my ex. I have been so good at being calm while talking to him, but today was just NOT the day for him to lay into me. My son had shuddered a few times while we were at the boardgame meet-up at Starbucks on Thursday night. No big deal, I thought, he's just cold. We went through Friday and I did notice he shuddered a couple times once he got home, but again, my house is usually cold, *I* shudder sometimes myself. I dropped him off at his father's house, 6 pm and hear nothing about it until my ex gets a hold of me and gripes me out because I hadn't brought it to his attention. Honestly I believe it's because he had to leave work early and pic my son up from school. Turns out my son has some sort of tic and we have to watch him for a week. He'll have his follow-up appointment next Tuesday, where we'll know more.

Wednesday was my 'short day' this week, and I got a break to boot, so it was a little better. Still came home to no power though. My dad had taken out my rent money, so the funds just weren't there to turn the power back on. Of course, all that standing, my neck down was terrible stiff and sore, but no power means no hot water, so there was no hot bath to be taken. Once I rotated the dogs, I went back out to find an outlet for my computer...gotta have my online time, lol. I can't get to sleep that night, so that leaves me wanting to sleep in the next morning. No such luck!

My dad calls me at 6 something in the morning, he's heard about my power outage and isn't happy. I couldn't get back to sleep even though it's the only thing I want to do....the call woke up the dogs who are all barking and carrying on because they have to pee, so I drag myself out of bed and starting my day. My dad put my rent back into the bank so I could get to the power company and get my power back on, so once the dogs are rotated I throw on my uniform and advance to the Electric Company, passing the bank and collecting the $200. I go ahead and go to work, figuring even with 2 hours before my all day shift starts, it's just too much work to go home, so I sit in the Wendy's dining room and set up my lap top. After yet another long and exhausting day, I get home about 8:30 that night, flip the switch and nothing happens! NO electric. I was HOT! Istumbled around for some matches and candles, using my cell phone as a flashlight, and after light the livingroom, rotate the dogs while I look for my bill for the phone company. I get on the phone with them and lash out through the bad phone connection at the poor CSR. In 45 minutes, my power is turned back on.

Friday comes....FINALLY!!! Again, I've had little sleep and really want to sleep in....too bad. Mom calls at 8am and urges me to set my sons appt. So I stumble outt bed and track down the phone book and get that out of the way. However, I have to be at work at an earlier time today, so instead of diving back under the covers, I get dressed and head to work. Our district manager is there, oh joy, but take the opportunity to drop the hint that I'm interested in transferring to the new store and ask when they plan on interviewing for positions there, including management. She then proceeds to tell me that I'm so slow to be a manager. WHAT???!!! ME??!! I'm one of the hardest workers there, I do my work as well as the work of several others, I hustle whenever I need to, I make sure I stock and clean as I go so when it does come time to go, I'm ready. She said that she's told my manager sever times how it looks like I'm barely moving, maybe I'm in pain or something. Does anyone say anything to ME? Ask ME if I'm in pain? NOPE, not a peep. I move tons faster than their newest manager and I even move faster than our main manger. And as a matter of fact, I AM in pain, my back has needed surgery for years and I have little to no cartlidge left in my knees, but I still MOVE! I could NOT believe what she was saying! Needless to say, it ruined my mood.

I get home moments before my son gets there, so there's no time to get my bath, even though I now have hot water, so after the dogs and getting my son settled in, THATs where I head! AAaaaahhhhhh, nice hot bath, MAN that felt great! No food in the house, we head out to Walmart and then back in the house for the night. It was SO good to see the weekend in the immediate near future! And I slept IN this morning too!