Time can be a dear friend or a vicious enemy. Time is what we measure our lives with...whether it be work, relationships, watching our children grow...all can be measured by time. We celebrate it with birthdays and anniversaries and curse it with the aging process and death of loved ones. Love it or hate it, time is there.
My Dad always said "Don't wish your life away" when we were young and wished we could be older. We never seemed to be satisfied with the now, always wanting time to hurry up so we could be older and do 'better things' Of course, the older we get, the more we wish we could get that time back and go back to being young. See? We're never satisfied with where we are now. Recently, I've been coming to terms with that.
Three years ago, I reluctantly moved back to Clarksville because that's what I had to do to get joint custody of my son. Even though as a mom, I don't want my son to ever grow up, as an unwilling resident of Clarksville, I've caught myself wanting time to speed up so I could leave here. I've written before how I didn't want to get involved in a serious relationship because years from now, I would want to leave and then where would I be? Well, that question comes up quite often as of late.
The idea that I will more than likely move away has been somewhat a shell of protection, my solid back-up plan, my excuse for staying alone. Because hey, if I'm painfully single in 4 or 5 years, I'll be free to move where ever I choose without having to worry about having the hard choice of leaving someone behind or electing to stay here. Granted, I have have time. I mean, really, absolutely anything can happen in half a decade, so it's almost impossible to make any solid plans of any kind. For the past 3 years, that planning has kept me going, given me a far away goal that was customized to me and only me. With each passing year, I became more sure that it would only be me that I would have to deal with, as my chance for finding Mr Right would begin to fade at an alarming rate.
Recently, about 5 weeks ago to be more precise, that plan started to alter. I started seeing someone whom I think holds a lot of possibility. We both are being extremely cautious where the heart is concerned, and rightfully so if your knew what we've each dealt with in the past. That caution has layed forth some unique ground rules in our relationship. The biggest of those rules is time. It's been felt that if we don't think of one another as 'The One' after 3 months of dating, than it's best to just back down to the notch of 'just friends' and go on searching elsewhere for our next (and hopefully last) partner. I understand the reasoning behind this deadline. The date of December 1st is what has been set. However my mind is still trying to solidify the details of what this all means and will mean. Just how does one keep their heart in check and protected while at the same time try to make room for another person? How do you let yourself see what feelings are possible with this other person while at the same time hold back from going all out and (dare I say) love this person or let them into your heart, knowing full-well that it might all be over with come December?
He said I'm gambling with my heart...he's probably right. Whether I'm falling in love with him...well, I don't know. I don't even know what that means exactly. How do you tell you love someone? Seriously. I was always under the impression that love lasts forever, yet the few times I thought I was in love, that 'love' faded. Was I not really ever in love in the first place? Or is that just what happens after a while? Love fades. The term 'forever' is maybe something just made up for the sake of a fairytale and doesn't exist in real life.
What does it feel like to honestly be in love with somebody? If we don't know, then how can we possibly walk away from a relationship because we're not 'in love' as we know it...which is probably more the idea we've gotten from Hollywood or fairytales anyway. How do we know when it's true love that we've fallen into? What are the signs?
Anyway, no matter how you look at it, I've been trying not to worry about it, what will be, will be. I'm trying my hardest to just enjoy the now and not wish the next few months away. For now, I'm happy. The happiest I've been in a long time, why would I want to wish that away on the gamble of what MIGHT happen come December? I don't have the luck for that, I think I'll stay just where I am for now. Right or wrong, love or not, I've had enough experience to realize that I'll miss this when it goes away, so might as well enjoy it while I have it.
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