We all hang onto things...sometimes relationships....much longer than we should. That emotional baggage that builds up inside can be truly crippling at times, weigh us down and stop us from doing what's best. I happen to be somewhat of an expert on this, I am an emotional packrat. I know I should do massive spring cleaning in my life, but knowing and doing are two seperate things entirely.
I stayed in an emotionally unhealthy relationship for well over a decade because I simply couldn't bring myself to let go. Fear of the unknown, the being outside my comfort zone, kept me from taking that giant leap of faith. Even now, I still cling onto it in some ways. I finally gathered the guts to leave the relationship, but it's scarring has held my heart prisoner ever since.
I let it's memory of everything bad about a relationship influence my next relationship. I am a very open person, yet still hold my heart very close, keeping it guarded. I'm flexible, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I fear change, I fear rejection and those fears hold me back from loving someone all out. I can't count the times I wanted to do things or say things that would show how much I cared, but the fear held me back from acting on it.
Maybe deep inside I knew that it would never work out, so in some way thought why try? I'd just be setting myself up for even more heartache when the time for good-bye came around. Or maybe it was simply because the spark just wasn't big enough. I know I still think back on things I could have done better. How foolish I was to ever think that a true spark or that pure happy energy you feel simply by sitting next to someone would even be possible decades after the intense 'schoolgirl crushes'. But I've come to realize that it is possible to feel that way no matter what your age, you just have to let go and allow yourself to be swept away by that energy. For a long time now, I swore that I just wasn't anyone's 'forever girl', that I was more of a 'she'll do for now' type. I'm beginning to understand that since that's how I thought of myself, that's how others saw me. So, here's to letting go. May it help me find that spark and fan the little flame so it can become a raging emotional fire that warms my heart and the heart of the one I find :)
