I grew up with a plan...to be an actress. When I entered high school, my mom sat me down and told me it was time to start planning for college, so 'what did I want to be when I grew up?' I said an actress. She laughed and said "I don't think so, actresses are thin and pretty and talented, you need to find something more realistic for you" I thought for a moment and came up with 'an airline stewardess', with which she retorted "The same principles apply with that one, what else?" I wracked my brain and finally came up with 'a teacher'. She came back with "Well, you better start studying harder". Secretly, I still wanted to be an actress or a singer the most. I would 'perform' in front of my mirror and even do pretend interviews with Johnny Carson as well as acceptance speeches for various awards. On the outside, I never let on again that I wanted to be an actress.
In college, I even started out majoring in French so I could be a French teacher, taking a minor in theatre. Later on I would switch my major to Theatre, of course, maintaining that I would simply 'teach theatre'. Well, we moved out of state to a city that out of several colleges, NONE of them offered a BFA and decent theatre courses, so I entered the job force and put my college on the backburner. I soon met the man who would become my husband for just about a decade and my plans changed drastically. I sunk into the role of housewife and mother. With each passing year, the girl I once was drifted further and further away until I was simply a shell of my old self.
In 2006 I finally got a clue and left him, we were divorced in 2007 and now have split custody of our son. Currently I'm stuck in Clarksville until my son is old enough to decide who he lives with full-time (or he graduates) Either way, I face the fact that I'm gonna be here for quite a while. I'll be 40 on my next birthday, when he graduates I'll be about 45. Until then, I'm rather stuck in Limbo.
Limbo is a funny place to be, makes you think crazy things. There for a while, I still had my heart set on getting my fairytale....remarried, maybe have another child and living happily ever after. Besides, my ex had done just that, and in record time after the divorce I might add. Maybe that added to my lunacy, that 'keeping up with the Jones' way of thinking. I've been back in the dating pool for a while now and after a hard long look at my life, I am finally pretty clear on what I want.
I want to have my cake and eat it too. Yes, I want a man in my life (WANT, not NEED), someone whom I can be there for and stand beside. Someone I can go places with, hold hands as we walk through the crowd, laugh with and grow old with. Someone who understands that we will both be there for one another and love each other whether we're rich or poor, sick or healthy. A husband? Not so much. I love my last name and I love the thought of still maintaining some freedom. Besides, I was married and while so, I STILL did family vacations with just me and my son, outings, school functions, shopping, everything. I actually wouldn't know what to do if I had someone come with us (or me once my son is away at college) I'm not afraid to go out by myself, I've done it for decades. But I still just want to be loved.
Having another child? Seriously, who am I kidding? I don't want to be mistaken for the child's grandparent when I attend their high school graduation. And how will I ever afford college at almost retirement age? It's crazy! Besides I really want to start to travel more. I'm renewing that passport and USING it! That's really hard to do, for me it'd be impossible to do if I had another child. I would have to spend the rest of my life raising the child and never get to go anywhere. I have my son and then I have my dogs :) Man or no man, I'll be just fine....although a travel buddy would be awful nice! But hey, I've got several more years to worry about that. Now back to my evening alone.......
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