Toll Bridges

I know I've been MIA for a while, just over a month to be exact. It's been crazy busy here, what with school starting and relationships failing. Lots going on, that's for sure. Of course, for you handful of readers, it's given me tons to focus on and put onto my computer screen :)

My main theme that seems to find itself into all of my blogs, is my relationships (or lack there of). The matters of my heart are always first and foremost on my mind when I thing of blogging and that's quite an accomplishment seeing as though over the years, my heart has been chopped and diced down to such a little piece.

I learned something today.....I'm a great girl next door. Really sweet, non-materialistic, caring and fun to be with. Not super hard on the eyes, although I'm not a total Barbie Doll or anything. I try so hard to please everyone else and sometimes I even lose myself in the process. But let me get upset or angry and the guys who have promised friendship immediately turn on me.

Why is that? Am I not allowed to get upset at anything? Is that honestly fair? Is that truly friendship when one has to bottle up dissappointment or hurt? Anger or being let down? I always thought being a true friend was being someone you could vent too, could be upfront and honest with. When did the rules for friendship change? I must have missed the memo on that one.

Twice this year, I've had guys whom I had believed to be trusting friends, guys I've loved and believed in....counted on even, just completely turn on me because I got upset and somewhat lashed out. (Not to the extreme, but voiced my discontent) Is this really how friendship works nowadays?

I've learned the hard way....several times over.... that you can't count on anyone but yourself. I love the idea of building bridges to others, having friends and relationships, but you have to guard your heart so much more closely. You have to build toll bridges....reaching out to others but requiring a toll of sorts from them before you trust them all out with your heart. Otherwise, your bridge not only risks getting burnt, but you do as well.

So what happens now? I have no idea. I just have to pick up the pieces...again...and move on. I'll shove all those feelings in another bottle (I have quite a collection) and try to go back to before those guys were even in my life. It's painfully obvious that it's what they've done, so why should I try to fix everything? It's an extreme rarity for any man to admit that they are just as much at fault for the burning as I am. I've learned that several times over and through my experience, it's never really happened. They just up and leave, blaming the woman. If that's the way it's gotta be, then fine. I'm tired of always being the door mat, the one that cleans up the mess and smoothes over everything. I was JUST as hurt as they were, maybe even more so and I'm done. I'll woman up and admit I was wrong...apologize and everything, but only if they have the guts to do the same. Men are suppose to be the stronger of the genders, so I'll leave it to them to go first. It's that's just too much to ask, then ok, fine. I guess they'll have to walk away and become part of my painful past, but not my future.

As painful as this all is....this too, will pass