Waiting......

All of us have to wait. It's inevitable, a fact of life and we hate it. There's a saying...waiting for your ship to come in. What if it nevers does? I believe I'm in that spot. I've waited all my life to be truly happy and I think I missed it, maybe I should've been at the airport instead of the dock?

When you're young you can't wait (although you have to) to grow up and get started with your life. Whether it be college, a career, a family, traveling....whatever. Once we do graduate, we enter college or the work force but say we can't wait until we're successful (whatever THAT means). Then there's how we can't wait to do this or go there or have that. Pretty soon, before we know it, we've waited for all of these things and they never happened. Maybe some of them did, but we were so busy waiting for something else that we missed the fact that we got something that we had wanted earlier.

I've always been a dreamer, I couldn't help it, still can't in fact, it's part of my nature. I dream of big things. I build things up in my mind to a point where when the reality of that happening happens, it's smaller than my imagined version, therefore I don't realize that particular ship came in.

I ended up dreaming my life away. Never being satisfied with where I was in time, always wanting more and better. Maybe that's why my marriage crumbled. Silly me, I wanted a family man who loved me and loved being with me, wanted to go places with me and my son as a family, do things as a family and so forth. I just wasn't content being a stay-at-home mom and not going anywhere except by myself (along with my son, but not my husband). I got tired of waiting so I left. I figured he wouldn't notice, he ignored me anyway, he was so absorbed in his own self and his online ladies.

He noticed, but just enough to punish me for it. So now here I am, trapped in Clarksville, a divorcee with a son (well, half the time anyway). No money, little social life and a broken heart. I've tried my best to put him behind me, to try new things and date. The new things are ok, sometimes I even have fun, but it's still just me, as a single, so inside I still have that emptiness and lonliness, a void where I want so desperately to have someone there. The dates I've been on, I go on with such high hopes and then leave the date thinking 'no chemistry' or sometimes elated because I did have chemistry with them and they promise to call, but don't. That makes me down, feeling worse than I did before I even tried.

Why I even bothered, I'll never know. I put my heart (or at least what's left of it) out there on the line and where does it get me? I end up getting trampled all over. My heart has really been through the ringer this past year and I've just had enough! However, hope springs eternal so I will more than lukely stand up, brush myself off, pick up my mangled heart and wait. After all, good things come to those who wait, right? I'll have to wait and see