Heavy Subjects

I met this wonderful man who thought I was pretty okay as well. One problem...I was too heavy for him to be 100% attracted to me. I can understand not being the right size for someone's style, I myself wouldn't want to date someone who was of a certain size. But I can't wrap my brain around why something so superficial would be the only reason I wasn't deemed 'the one'. I mean, it's not like I'm obese. Two kids, a bad divorce and lots of depression later, yeah, I've packed on some extra weight. But that can be changed, and even Barbie doll's don't stay perfect 10s forever. My internal maek-up is something that's permanent which was fine, I guess. Although as usual, it wasn't good enough...story of my life- too good for this person, not good enough for that one.

Now I'm not happy with my weight. NOT because of him, I was unhappy about it for a long time before I even met him. I just lacked the motivation...incentive. That's one thing about people-pleasers such as myself...we thrive on encouragement and can't live without aiming to please someone. Our self-worth is pretty screwed up. We feel only as worthy as others see us. That's why I became so determined to stick to a diet and exercise plan. I felt I was given a reason to, a person to please. I know everyone will tell you that anything you try to overcome has to be solely for yourself for it to work. I beg to differ. People pleasers are a different breed. We HAVE to know that in the end, we've made someone happy. Without anyone to please, we will fail, we feel as though it's pointless because it only benefits ourselves, which to us just isn't a good reason. We are here to please others, to help others and to make others happy. It's just not in us to do it for ourselves. We're just not that selfish and no matter how hard we try, we can't put ourselves first without feeling guilty and selfish, whatever we do has GOT to help someone else or make someone else happy.

I was giving this alot of thought ever since the weight was explained to me as an issue. I looked back on all the times I have been very slim (aside from being built that way in my younger days) I did it to fix relationships, to make someone happy. Seeing that I had pleased someone else, in turn was what it took for ME to be happy. Once that someone was no longer in the picture, I viewed it as a serious failure and without conciously realizing it, I began to pack on pounds. Throughout my years in a relationship my weight was always determined by who I was with or who I wanted to get away from. I don't think I can help it. Granted, I'll never be huge, but there's just enough tip in the scales to matter. (The pictures I posted in this blog I took about an hour ago)

I know that doing my video clips as Wonder Woman, being skinnier would make me more money, but now that I have no one to shoot the clips or be in them with me, my loosing weight for that is pointless too. So seriously, what's the draw? Where's the incentive? The fact that I MIGHT meet someone and have them be attracted to my body? Please! That's more of a gamble than me actually trying to please who I'm with (or was with, as the case may be) At the same time, I'm being told that someone wanting me to be thinner for them to like me is uninportant, yet that's the reason they don't like me now/ I'm confused! I'm being told that if I loose the weight, then they might like me then. I say BULL! I am beginning to believe that it isn't my weight that's truly an issue with them, it's THEM! They had to find some reason to push me away, so my weight was what they picked. I will bet good money that even if I lost the weight, they'd find something else wrong simply because they aren't ready for a relationship. THAT is what it boils down to. Not my weight or anything else. I will be bold enough to say that I AM a decent person and I HAVE a decent body (though not perfect) and by simply nit-picking and pushing me away AFTER I've developed feelings for them because they aren't ready to step out of the single zone is ridiculous.

I have come to believe that if you tell someone you are stopping the relationship now, "before anyone gets hurt", it's too late, at least one of you will be hurt regardless. It's usually me. I put myself out there, share things about myself and end up getting hurt. Oh joy, what a suprise. You would think I would have learned by now, but hope foolishly springs eternal.

I've just got to learn to suck it up and do without. I just wish my next several years would pick up the pace and fly by. I really need to get away from everyone. Clarksville just isn't working for me. I need to relocate to some remote place, get a job and small place that's cheap and live out my life alone....thin, fat, whatever. There will be no one to work towards making happy so maybe.... just maybe... I'LL learn how to be happy on my own, even though my make up is totally against that. If not....well, I'll stay just as I am...alone, searching for someone to make happy, so I can be happy too :)