Sooner or Later

Alot of people saw the movie 'Avatar' recently. The graphics were amazing although the storyline wasn't really all that new. Jake was, in real life, crippled and confined to a wheel chair. He was given the chance to go to a foriegn planet where he was given an avatar with which he could walk with the natives of the planet as one of them. He did this by basically having his body go to sleep and his mind transfer to the avatar. While he was in his avatar, he could walk again, learned a new way of life and as in most movies, fell in love. When he woke up, he was back in hius real body and again, crippled. I understand his wanting to remain asleep and in his avatar. The dream world offers what reality can't and that can be pretty appealing.

I'm to quick to trust and to quick to love. I would rarely admit this in person, but it's true. I have yet to understand whether it's out of being naive or desperate. Niether one is good and leads to a lot of heartbreak. Maybe it's due to the learned fact that people go away, vanish, move (or at least I do) and for whatever reason, just break the connection. It's been said that 'it's a dog eat dog world' and I have found that to be true. Do unto others before they can do unto you is basically what it means.

I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I truly believed that everyone was honest with me. Why wouldn't they be? What reason did they have to lie? I was a regular Pollyanna when it came to such things. Young and stupid. Well I grew up. Even though I still have a habit of trusting people way more than I should, I do have boundries and only trust them so far. I would say that women and men are the same in the battle to tell the truth, but my experience has taught me that men tend to have a bigger problem with being honest. Maybe it's because I have more male 'friends' than I do female ones. I use the term 'friends' loosely. My definition of a true friend is someone who will always be there for you no matter what, and be up front and honest. Support you, be your shoulder to cry on and your arms to fall into when needed. Maybe that's being to demanding, because I've never had many and lately they're dropping like flies. Of course that's probably my fault as well. It's those boundries that I have. I truly long for someone to just hug me tight and tell me everything'll be ok. Not anylize me, not judge me, not even try to to fix what's wrong, just hold me. People lie about so much, why can't they lie about that? About everything being okay?

That broken connection people give me would usually signal that it was getting close to time for me to up and move. Since I know that's not the case, it bother's me about how many people have become well, less than what I expected from a friend. That's gonna make the next few years here pretty difficult to say the least.

When I was little, I was often accused by my mother of living in a dream world. She was right, I did dream a lot. I wasn't happy with being the ugly duckling, always the new kid in town, never any really good friends to hang out with for years and years. I was a wall flower, the skinny girl with braces that always got picked last for any team. I never had boys flock after me and put up with relentless teasing. Reality sucked, who WOULDN'T want to live in a dream world? Well reality still sucks. I'm not as much of a wall-flower as I used to be, I'm no longer that skinny, my braces have been off for decades and I no longer get teased, but other than that, life's pretty much the same. I still have my dream world though. I'll act out all kinds of scenarios from giving my ex what-for to accepting a Golden Globe (or at least just have the honor of being nominated, lol). Of course, just like in the movie 'Avatar'.....sooner or later, you have to wake up.