True BFF's

Well, April 28th 2012 I married my best friend! The wedding planning was long but Bill & I planned everything right down to the last detail, together! He's so incredibly organized, it's amazing! He likes lists and I do too, so that part worked very well. We decided to have a small wedding, just close friends and family and a few guys from work. We held it in our back yard which has a beautiful gazebo covered with whisteria.

We had a cake that was set on a revolving Scrabble board, which is one of things that we always do together. It was bordered with bling ribbon and, of course, Scrabble tiles! It was a magical day to say the least and apart from the problems with the photographer, it was a truly magical day. I loved my dress and my groom and our kids look wonderful. We did the sand ceremony, which I didn't do in my first marriage. Thought I'd try something different and more meaningful. So far, it's been fantastic and I hope and pray that we will be truly best friends forever!

FINALLY a Decent Proposal!

I had been dating this wonderful man, Bill, for almost a year. He had moved in, treated me wonderfully and even watched which me the entire series of one of my absolute favorite shows, Alias. We got off to a bumpy start, breaking up and getting back together a few times, but that was just because we were both trying to figure out whether we wanted to be single or not. We tried just being friends who played Scrabble, but then we just decided that we couldn't live without each other.

It was an early evening in June, I had just gotten back from taking my son to his dad's and we were starting our usual Friday night xbox and margaritas when Bill went into the computer and put on some music. He started playing "Build me up, Buttercup". My first thought was "Oh, cool, the proposal song that Danny sang to Sydney in the pilot of 'Alias'". The next thing I know, Bill comes out with a box and gets down on one knee and proceeds to give me the most heart-fely, sincere wonderful wedding proposal in history!

I was blown away! I mean, really, I'm very hard to surprise and I had noticed my jewelry box had been moved, so I had suspected something, but for him to play a song that actually was special and to actually get down on bended knee was just so over-whelming! I knelt down with him and said an obvious yes. After we hugged and kissed he said to pack a bag, he had a surprise. We hit the road and went to Metropolis, Indiana. Naturally, we stopped to get a Wonder Woman tee shirt :) We went to Harrah's Casino and got a fabulous hotel room. Despite my getting sick...I do that when I'm super over-whelmed, lol.....we had an awesome time. The entire night I couldn't decide which to stare at most....my 1 carat plus marquis engagment ring or my brand new fiance'.

For the first time in a LONG time, I actually felt loved, valued and trusted. Here was a guy that was more than willing to take me as I was.....my eccentric love of Wonder Woman, my strong will to rescue dogs, my sensitive nature and more importantly, my son. There were a few times when my chronic depression got the best of me and sent me in such a self-destructive death spiral, but he was there and helped me through it. This man was special, he was the one I had been praying for. And in a few months, it would all become official :)

Enough

Everyone has something that they're really good at, whether it be politics, motherhood, photography or medicine. Mine? I'm a good actress..no, scratch that, a GREAT actress. I pretty good at photography and anything else creative too. But the cruel joke is that I'm stuck with average looks and a spare tire. Not to mention the fact that I'm in an area of the country that makes it almost impossible to get noticed!

I'm newly, an happily, married to a wonderful man who loves me for who I am, but sometimes I just long for the recognition and the feeling that I'm special, that I stand out above most. I'm a performer at heart and I can't for the life of me change that. It's just that the cards seem to be stacked against me. I used to have a much better physique at least, but I was married to a total jerk who wanted me hidden from the rest of the world. Then after I got divorced, I was free, but I was also so broke I couldn't afford to go after anything remotely like my dreams.

I had a few small tastes of it....I have a clips4sale store that allowed me to be creative and act, although extremely cheesy and I would never get recognized there, that's for sure. There are no community theatres near by, so the stage acting is out. I had my love of photography rekindled by an ex-boyfriend, who actually used me as his second shooter for a while and I loved it! But that was yanked away when he could get more 'professional' photographers to help, then he got married so she'll be replacing me completely. The guy who was helping me with my clips store up and decided that he was done with me, so he dropped me as well. It just kills me to know that I would have done anything for these guys, I supported the photographer when he was just starting out, I helped the clips guy through some really rough patches and what happened? I got tossed aside and forgotten. Does true friendship honestly just NOT exist? I mean, I had my doubts for years, but these guys actually changed my mind into thinking that I could actually have a decent friendship, then when I least expexted it, BAM! It was gone and quite frankly I really feel used :(

People just don't give a hoot about how good your heart is unless it's encased within a barbie-doll physique, nice and local and they don't have to put forth any effort unless sex is a perk. I mean really?! Has our society really downgraded to such a level? I think it's pathetic! I would NEVER just drop someone without serious cause and even then I'd let them know why, so they could learn from their mistakes and have a chance to redeem themselves.

Now I'm in my 40's, 20 pounds heavier, and wrinkles have started creeping into my less than stellar face. Maybe I just just vanish, hang up my cape for good and forget about those who have tossed me aside, just live out the next few years as an ugly housewife and deal with it. At least my husband loves me and thinks I'm attractive, as long as I make sure he doesn't get his eyes checked out, I should be fine! LOL I'll never be a photographer or an actress, probably never have any more close friends, but who cares? Who'll even read this? Nobody, probably, lol it's just my personal rant, complaint department, pity party, reality check, whatever. I have one really great best friend, he just happens to be my husband too, and that'll have to be enough.