Leap of Faith

It's probably no big secret how my self-esteem dips down into the 'non-existant' realm far to often. I've had issues with it all my life. I always fear that I won't be pretty enough or thin enough or interesting enough.....just ENOUGH, for anyone. There have been many times in my life where I found I wasn't enough, for whatever reason. Relationships have given me several examples of that and unfortunately, it's made me a bit gun-shy about the whole thing.

Now that I'm 39, even though I know what I want in a relationship, I fear that being older, thicker (okay, not the petite size 4's that are at every turn) and such, that my selection is limited. After being dumped by my last boyfriend, I put myself up on the block, so to speak. Put my profile out there for the male world to judge and with a half-hearted mindset on actually finding someone new, dove into the dating pool...again. Yes, I was once again heartbroken at the thought of yet another relationship down the tubes, but I thought if I get out there and drum up some attention, maybe I won't notice how much pain I'm in and in the process, actually find someone.

From day one I had plenty responses to pick from. It made me laugh out loud to see all the mail in my inbox. If they met my minimum criteria of having a picture and being within my age range, I would at least respond. Quite a few have looked great, chatted with me or corresponded with meaty emails, some even spoke with me on the phone, but then they'd just vanish, just drop off the face of the earth. Since I knew I wasn't really ready to date right away anyway, I'd brush it off as no big deal.

Well, the sting of the dumping wore down to a moderate bruising and I began to rethink the whole dating thing as a whole. I mean seriously, I KNOW I'm not going to be stuck in Clarksville forever, so why bother taking the chance of getting attached to someone else? I mean as soon as humanly possible, I'm jumping ship, I'm outta here. I don't even want to stay in TN at this moment. So I came to the conclusion that I might as well get outta the pool and dry off, just focus on me for a while.

My ex-bf decided to put himself out there on the market, (which I'll admit, stung at first) but then wanted to maintain an 'open-relationship' with me "until one of us was taken". It sounded like a good offer...having a casual date every once in a while with someone I already knew, knowing it would never develop into anything. But then it's started to settle in as to what that actually entails. I realized that I was setting myself up for major heartbreak (well, out of what was even LEFT of my heart). I mean seriously, after 11 years of marriage that ended and then an almost 2 year relationship that just ended, I don't have much left to break. But my first thought was that "Hey, it's better than nothing".

A little more analysis showed me that I was keeping myself unavailable for a new relationship, stringing my heart along with someone that has told me that "We" were never going to work out, and then what will happen after he does find someone new? I will once again be devastated. Besides, who worth a relationship in the first place will want to START a relationship with me if I'm still 'casually dating someone'? Answer...nobody.

As much as I fear being totally alone (not really physically, but emotionally) I don't want to stay in a relationship that's going to knowingly break my heart AGAIN later on down the road. I've decided that I'm worth more than just being someone's consulation prize, someone who's being used until someone else better comes along. I figure if I'm going to make myself available to other guys, than I should be able to be completely available. Sometimes I tell myself maybe we were meant to be together and we'd be able to work out the issues between us, but if that's true, I think we have a much better chance just beings friends until we figure that out. If we can't, we can't, but at least I will not have wasted even more time with the wrong guy.

So, it's a leap of faith. The right guy is out there, somewhere. If it actually was my ex, than we'll come to that conclusion, but not casually dating and such. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder? Well, we'll see, but I don't want to be someone to use until someone better comes along, I want to BE the someone better to somebody and I deserve that much.