Leap of Faith

It's probably no big secret how my self-esteem dips down into the 'non-existant' realm far to often. I've had issues with it all my life. I always fear that I won't be pretty enough or thin enough or interesting enough.....just ENOUGH, for anyone. There have been many times in my life where I found I wasn't enough, for whatever reason. Relationships have given me several examples of that and unfortunately, it's made me a bit gun-shy about the whole thing.

Now that I'm 39, even though I know what I want in a relationship, I fear that being older, thicker (okay, not the petite size 4's that are at every turn) and such, that my selection is limited. After being dumped by my last boyfriend, I put myself up on the block, so to speak. Put my profile out there for the male world to judge and with a half-hearted mindset on actually finding someone new, dove into the dating pool...again. Yes, I was once again heartbroken at the thought of yet another relationship down the tubes, but I thought if I get out there and drum up some attention, maybe I won't notice how much pain I'm in and in the process, actually find someone.

From day one I had plenty responses to pick from. It made me laugh out loud to see all the mail in my inbox. If they met my minimum criteria of having a picture and being within my age range, I would at least respond. Quite a few have looked great, chatted with me or corresponded with meaty emails, some even spoke with me on the phone, but then they'd just vanish, just drop off the face of the earth. Since I knew I wasn't really ready to date right away anyway, I'd brush it off as no big deal.

Well, the sting of the dumping wore down to a moderate bruising and I began to rethink the whole dating thing as a whole. I mean seriously, I KNOW I'm not going to be stuck in Clarksville forever, so why bother taking the chance of getting attached to someone else? I mean as soon as humanly possible, I'm jumping ship, I'm outta here. I don't even want to stay in TN at this moment. So I came to the conclusion that I might as well get outta the pool and dry off, just focus on me for a while.

My ex-bf decided to put himself out there on the market, (which I'll admit, stung at first) but then wanted to maintain an 'open-relationship' with me "until one of us was taken". It sounded like a good offer...having a casual date every once in a while with someone I already knew, knowing it would never develop into anything. But then it's started to settle in as to what that actually entails. I realized that I was setting myself up for major heartbreak (well, out of what was even LEFT of my heart). I mean seriously, after 11 years of marriage that ended and then an almost 2 year relationship that just ended, I don't have much left to break. But my first thought was that "Hey, it's better than nothing".

A little more analysis showed me that I was keeping myself unavailable for a new relationship, stringing my heart along with someone that has told me that "We" were never going to work out, and then what will happen after he does find someone new? I will once again be devastated. Besides, who worth a relationship in the first place will want to START a relationship with me if I'm still 'casually dating someone'? Answer...nobody.

As much as I fear being totally alone (not really physically, but emotionally) I don't want to stay in a relationship that's going to knowingly break my heart AGAIN later on down the road. I've decided that I'm worth more than just being someone's consulation prize, someone who's being used until someone else better comes along. I figure if I'm going to make myself available to other guys, than I should be able to be completely available. Sometimes I tell myself maybe we were meant to be together and we'd be able to work out the issues between us, but if that's true, I think we have a much better chance just beings friends until we figure that out. If we can't, we can't, but at least I will not have wasted even more time with the wrong guy.

So, it's a leap of faith. The right guy is out there, somewhere. If it actually was my ex, than we'll come to that conclusion, but not casually dating and such. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder? Well, we'll see, but I don't want to be someone to use until someone better comes along, I want to BE the someone better to somebody and I deserve that much.

Three's a Crowd

Well over a month ago, in my haste to mend my son's broken-heart because his beloved Puggles went missing, I brought home Roxie. She was being given up by her family because they were moving out of state and couldn't take her with them. She was comparable to Puggles in that she was the same age, breed and size of Puggles. Puggles is an all black pug, but Roxie is the fawn with a black mask pug. BOTH are absolutely adorable, however with Appollo, that makes 3 dogs and a lot to keep up with, so Roxie has to go. I couldn't become one of those people that I despise...the kind that gets a dog but then turns around to sell for a profit because the dog is just 'too much'. I will say that I really thought that Puggles was gone for good, I would have never taken on Roxie if I had thought Puggles would be back. So, I contacted the Humane Society and surrendered Roxie, however I will be fostering her until a suitable home is found because I don't want her to bounce around to homes until a forever home is found.

The Humane Society will take applications and screen potential families to make sure it WILL be a forever home that she goes to, which I like. I also offered to cover $50 of her vetting bill which is the top amount that I can afford, plus I would have updated her on her shots regardless. So, she'll be going to the vet for shots and spaying sometime next week, then be placed on the Humane Society's list of adoptable dogs. She really is a sweetheart and I think she'll be adopted out fairly soon. She'll make someone a wonder lapdog because she loves to cuddle, they'll just have to watch out for that pug kiss! She's got the longest tongue in the free world!

Time to Dye!!

One of the signs of aging is gray hair...I hate that. Ever since I got my new glasses, I've noticed several gray hairs that are JUST out of reach of my sight and the tweezers. Getting old sucks. As Truvy in the play Steel Magnolias said..."Time marches on and sooner or later, you'll realize it's marching across your face" Yep, wrinkles are showing up too. I don't need to look old, not yet! Just my luck, I'm single and don't have the luxury of 'letting myself go' despite my rapidly advancing age. To be honest, I haven't ever gorged myself on bon bons while sitting around watching soaps, but still, if not for attracting Mr Right (whom I believe is a mythical creature anyway) I still have to fight crime in satin tights. Satin doesn't give, so I guess it's to Walmart to collect some hair dye and Oil of Olay wrinkle cream and then beat feet to the track to work off the love handles. I find that an ironic term...love handles. I get them but no one to hang on to them....something seriously wrong with THAT picture!

Missed One

As you know, us Amazing Amazons have various talents. One of them happens to be deflectimg bullets with our magic bracelets, but we're not perfect. Sometimes we miss. This weekend was one of those times, I was shot at and it caught me by such suprise that I missed (deflecting it). I was hit, directly in the heart. Luckily I have some of the best doctors in the world here to help me with my recovery. Someday soon I hope to have my poor heart back on the road to recovery, but now, it's in surgery, so the outcome is unknown at this point.

Let There Be Light!! part2

Monday morning, after rotating the dogs, I went to work, hoping that the worst was over and I would now start to move up-ward, well, at least a little bit anyway. Not much actually went wrong, which was a plus. Worked a very long day though, especially since after 2pm, I was put on the drive-thru window. That means that I'm basically on my own, aside from having a sandwhich maker. That can be stressful, being just as busy, but with less than 1/2 the staff, it heaps on how much I need a new job! Got through it though, and after the dogs were settled, I got onlne. The rest of the night was fairly ok, minus the few calling cards I had to mop/cleann up

Tuesday was a bit worse. After rotating the dogs, I left for work......9 hours plus, no break and spending the entire time standing, working in a 3 x 5 area was exhausting. My ex had texted me but of course, I never had a chance to call to see what's up. My son actually called me at work and said the school had called his father to come and get him, he was twitching all over. I finally get off work and my ex calls while I'm waiting on my food. Naturally, I have yet to sit down, my co-workers were asking me about my order and was just not ready to listen to him, I said to call me back in 15 minutes. He didn't because HE told me that I was to call HIM back. I talk to my son again on the way home and as I hang up, am clammering to get to my front door with my arms totally loaded down with stuff. I flip the switch for the lights and nothing happens. U hadn't gotten to the electric office to pay my bill, so they cut off my power. After getting a few candles lit and the dogs rotated, which was a real treat only having a few candles lit, I called my ex. I have been so good at being calm while talking to him, but today was just NOT the day for him to lay into me. My son had shuddered a few times while we were at the boardgame meet-up at Starbucks on Thursday night. No big deal, I thought, he's just cold. We went through Friday and I did notice he shuddered a couple times once he got home, but again, my house is usually cold, *I* shudder sometimes myself. I dropped him off at his father's house, 6 pm and hear nothing about it until my ex gets a hold of me and gripes me out because I hadn't brought it to his attention. Honestly I believe it's because he had to leave work early and pic my son up from school. Turns out my son has some sort of tic and we have to watch him for a week. He'll have his follow-up appointment next Tuesday, where we'll know more.

Wednesday was my 'short day' this week, and I got a break to boot, so it was a little better. Still came home to no power though. My dad had taken out my rent money, so the funds just weren't there to turn the power back on. Of course, all that standing, my neck down was terrible stiff and sore, but no power means no hot water, so there was no hot bath to be taken. Once I rotated the dogs, I went back out to find an outlet for my computer...gotta have my online time, lol. I can't get to sleep that night, so that leaves me wanting to sleep in the next morning. No such luck!

My dad calls me at 6 something in the morning, he's heard about my power outage and isn't happy. I couldn't get back to sleep even though it's the only thing I want to do....the call woke up the dogs who are all barking and carrying on because they have to pee, so I drag myself out of bed and starting my day. My dad put my rent back into the bank so I could get to the power company and get my power back on, so once the dogs are rotated I throw on my uniform and advance to the Electric Company, passing the bank and collecting the $200. I go ahead and go to work, figuring even with 2 hours before my all day shift starts, it's just too much work to go home, so I sit in the Wendy's dining room and set up my lap top. After yet another long and exhausting day, I get home about 8:30 that night, flip the switch and nothing happens! NO electric. I was HOT! Istumbled around for some matches and candles, using my cell phone as a flashlight, and after light the livingroom, rotate the dogs while I look for my bill for the phone company. I get on the phone with them and lash out through the bad phone connection at the poor CSR. In 45 minutes, my power is turned back on.

Friday comes....FINALLY!!! Again, I've had little sleep and really want to sleep in....too bad. Mom calls at 8am and urges me to set my sons appt. So I stumble outt bed and track down the phone book and get that out of the way. However, I have to be at work at an earlier time today, so instead of diving back under the covers, I get dressed and head to work. Our district manager is there, oh joy, but take the opportunity to drop the hint that I'm interested in transferring to the new store and ask when they plan on interviewing for positions there, including management. She then proceeds to tell me that I'm so slow to be a manager. WHAT???!!! ME??!! I'm one of the hardest workers there, I do my work as well as the work of several others, I hustle whenever I need to, I make sure I stock and clean as I go so when it does come time to go, I'm ready. She said that she's told my manager sever times how it looks like I'm barely moving, maybe I'm in pain or something. Does anyone say anything to ME? Ask ME if I'm in pain? NOPE, not a peep. I move tons faster than their newest manager and I even move faster than our main manger. And as a matter of fact, I AM in pain, my back has needed surgery for years and I have little to no cartlidge left in my knees, but I still MOVE! I could NOT believe what she was saying! Needless to say, it ruined my mood.

I get home moments before my son gets there, so there's no time to get my bath, even though I now have hot water, so after the dogs and getting my son settled in, THATs where I head! AAaaaahhhhhh, nice hot bath, MAN that felt great! No food in the house, we head out to Walmart and then back in the house for the night. It was SO good to see the weekend in the immediate near future! And I slept IN this morning too!

Let There Be Light!! part 1

It has just been one of those weeks that refuses to END! Saturday started the ball rolling with coming home after helping with my brother's house remodel to what I thought would be a relaxing bubble bath. I'm still dog-sitting a boxer puppy who is ALL puppy and of course, Puggles is back, along with Appollo and Roxie. Coming home to mass barking is hard enough. I figure I would draw my bath and rotate the dogs all at once, so when they're done going out, I can soak myself in some suds. I use the last of my favorite bubble foaming bath.....Lavender Vanilla from Bath and Body Works and check the temp...nice and hot. So I leave it to run while I make sure everyone has their turn on the teather. Zowie, the boxer pup, went first because she is, after all, a pup. While she was bouncing around, I let Roxie out, the next in line since she's still working on her housebreaking. Well, I go in to check my water, which is doing fine, bubbles are high and water is warm, Zowie jumps up onto my bed and pees! SO much, that it goes through my thick comforter, through my 1200 thread count full sheet AND fitted sheet and onto the microfleece matteresss pad. GGGrrrrrr!! I quick whip everything off so it doesn't soak through to the matteress and throw Zowie into the crate. I switch Roxie for Puggles and let Appollo in, who tracks mud through the the dining room because of our 'lovely' weather.

I load the sheets into my washer and let Puggles in. Determined to relax and put the stress behind me, I leave the dogs to romp and play in the living room and shut my bedroom door, undress and step into my bath. It's FREEZING! Apparently with all the sheet mishaps and rotating the dogs, I didn't notice the water had gone cold. I check the water heater and to no surprise, it, too, is cold. I mutter a few choice words and hit the reset button. I'm now very behind schedule as I planning on meeting with a photographer that evening. Well, I got up super early that morning to begin with and without a decent bath (I tried, it just was TOO cold) I just couldn't do it. He still wanted to meet with me, so I crated the dogs and left. He was nice, we talked for a few hours and then I came home to, again, the massive bark-fest and rotated the dogs, allowing them to run off some energy before bed. I dip into the computer room to check some email and then while looking at Facebook, I get a whiff of poo. I charge out into the living room, splashing through a puffle of pee that I'm pretty sure wasn't there before, find some tootsie rolls in the middle of the living room floor. Because I have 3 possibilities (Appollo is VERY well house-broken so he's not a suspect) I have to do some sluething to determine the culprit. The guilty is tried and convicted, sent to their crate for the night, soon to be followed by thr rest of the household due to the fact that it's hitting on 2am.

This was the weekend we spring forward, so I've already lost an hour. Having no sheets or extra blankets, I curl up on the sofa in my robe and am joined by Appollo and Puggles, both of which have earned the right to sleep outside their crates and snuggled up with me. Even though I was warm enough, I couldn't fall asleep, so I popped in a movie.....then another one, then finally managed to fall asleep at about 5 or 6 am, just as the sun was starting to rise. As I recall, I slept off and on until about noon, got up, did some errands and really wanted to get my taxes done, however, I crashed onto my bed, which now had a pile of clean sheets but I can never get the pad and the fitted sheet on, so it was, in fact, a pile. I slept until 10 pm. Of course, after getting up and rotaing the dogs, it was now time to call Wendy's for my Monday morning schedule, so I did and almost fell over when my manager told me 11-8. Man what long day ahead of me! It was now past midnight and I had to get a good nights sleep so I would have the energy to stand and be nice and busy for 9 hours. This is turning into a novel and I've got to get to bed so I can get up for work in the morning, so I'll close it up here and just say that I mistakenly thought I could start off me week better than how my weekend turned out......I was wrong! Night All!

Little Things

Today, to escape the loudness and craziness of my household, I went to Kroger's. Not your usual vacation destination, in fact, it too, was crowded. I guess everyone had the same idea as I did. I picked up a single serving of Italian Cream cake (ok, it had 2 pieces, but I'm the only one eating it and I'm single, lol) and some roses. Yep, I bought myself roses, bridal white ones. I gave every bunch the whiff test and the bridal white ones smelled the best. Never bought myself roses before, but I figured that zebra-striped vase that my parents got me for my birthday was too pretty to just stick under the sink because I didn't have any flowers to put in there. Let's face it, the vase ain't gonna fill itself! Naturally, it got me thinking...

I remember that the grooms cake at my wedding was Italian Cream. My bouquet was made up of red, purple and bridal white roses. My wedding was, from the outside, a fairytale wedding. It took place in a victorian mansion, the grooms tux reminded you of what they wore in that same era and my dress was beautiful, straight out of a Cinderella story, complete with clear shoes. I was being married by my father-in-law, to the man I fell for at first sight. What could be more perfect?

The inside story was so full of red flags, you would have thought you were in a Chinese airport. I was exhausted and it showed, so I had to use theatrical make-up to make myself look alive. My maid of honor had got word that her 16 yr old sister had run away, so she was extremely upset and so late that we barely had time to shoot pictures with just the girls. The cake showed up made entirely wrong, so they had to send out a decorator to fix it last minute. The box with the rings vanished, they were found moments before the ceremony. (Oh, and since they made my ring wrong, it didn't match the grooms ring at all, I was actually married in a 'rental ring'). I paid for a cascading bouquet, it showed up and it was not cascading. The limo was suppose to be white, it was black.

But I overlooked all of that, because I truly believed that I was marrying the man meant for me. There were signs before and after the wedding too, signs I should have paid closer attention too. Deep in my mind, this little voice was screaming at me, telling me no, but I thought I knew best. I think I chose to ignore it, chose to hold all hope, because I wanted the relationship more than I wanted the groom. It was the idea of finally growing up, of having someone who loved me and who would be there for me, be my best friend.

Even though he turned out to be this self-centered, lying alcoholic, he did have his moments. I remember he bought me this pen he saw at the gas station. It was a heavy, ornate pen that had a little enamel dolphin on the top. We had very little money, so the $4 was a lot, but he bought it for me because when he saw it, he remembered I loved dolphins and it would make me happy. Every once in a while, he'd come home with a dozen roses too. No occassion (and I don't know if it was to clear his concious or what) but I love roses and he would do it 'just because'. That's always the best reason to give anyone anything...just because. It's a token of love and appreciation.

We've been divorced now for almost 3 years. He's been remarried for almost 2 years and even though I hate what he did to me and my son, every once in a while he does something to make me wonder. Probably to string me along or just twist the knife a little deeper into my heart, who knows? Last Friday, when I dropped my son off, he suprised me with a jar of spaghetti sauce. I know, most people would laugh at the thought and that's ok. This was Mids brand, which up until about a year ago was only available in a small area of Ohio. I grew up on it, it's awesome and I always raved about it. He remembered that and bought me a jar. It was the sweetest thing he's done for me in years, which now of course, raises my curiosity as to why? The dolphin broke off the pen years and years ago and the pen ran out of ink. But you know what? I still have it. Those little things mean a lot and they always will.

Night all!

Suspension of Disbelief

The school system of today, at least Montgomery County here in Clarksville, never fails to amaze me. It's bad enough that they lack in what they teach. They are careful not to offend anyone or hurt any feelings that they pass out made up awards so that everyone gets something, but they seriously have to work on what they call discipline.

My son has gotten numerous suspensions in his few years here and most of them have reasons that are laughable. One incident was when my son went to throw a wrapper into the trash like a basketball....he missed. Results? 3 days in school suspension for throwing things in the cafeteria. Another incident was asking if a boy was using zit cream for his pimples...again, 3 days in school suspension for bullying. A boy told him "Don't call me fat or I'll punch you in the face" My son asked 'Fat?' and wham! The kid was a boy of his word, leaving my son with a black eye...and a day of after-school detention. Most recently, this past Friday, some boys were talking in the line up for lunch. One told my son he would 'juke him all over over the place'. My son, not knowing what 'juking' even was, replied in a kidding manor "Yeah and I'd kill you". I was called Monday morning and told to come get him, the incident that happened on Friday was costing him a day of suspension. I know thet now have a 'zero tolerance' for violence, but isn't there a line to be drawn?

My son comes hom in tears because kids have called him names or shot spit wads in his hair and teachers turn their heads or simply tell the boys to stop. But my son throws a piece of paper in the lunch room and gets suspended for 3 days? Something needs to be fixed here!

When I was in school, teaching was a prodession, teachers dressed as professionals. Today, you could walk into a classroom and at first glance, not be able to tell the teachers from the students in their dress code, you just have to go by who has more wrinkles. They won't allow you to invite 'just the boys' to a boy's birthday party because the girls might get hurt feelings. The awards ceremonies are hours long because it's not just simply the basics like perfect attendence and Honor Roll stidents, now it includes "Most helpful" "Most Creative" and "the BUG award" for anyone who's brought up their grade, because they wouldn't want to have a child be upset that they didn't get anything. Is this really progressive to no longer teach cursive writing or require that a child know all 50 states? When I was in middle school, an essay had to be 1-3 pages long, not 1-3 paragraphs. We had book reports with class presentations, not the case anymore. No wonder so many parents who are able turn to home-schooling. Hard work and disappointment are facts of life, but apparently not a factor until they kids turn 18. What a rude awakening moment that will be for them!

She's HOME!!!

On January 19th, my son's pug raced between my legs and out the door while I was putting my boxer, Appollo, on his teather. Roscoe, the local wandering lab was in the yard again and Puggles wanted to play. I still had my pajamas and stocking feet so after a few calls and pleading, to no avail, I went back in the house to get dressed. She'd been loose a few times before and never left the immediate area, so there was no immediate alarm to chase her down in the pjs. Once I got dressed and back out there, she was no where to be found. I took a drive through our small neighborhood but then had to get to work. I told myself not to worry, she'd probably be waiting for me once I got back home...she wasn't.

I was already distraught over the break up with my boyfriend and the fact that the next day would have been my wedding anniversary had I still been married, facing the money troubles and everything else, this pretty much destroyed me. Puggles, the dog that I had done so much to even get, my son's pride and joy was gone. Not wanting to have to accept this, I immediately posted ads, signs, went to file a report with the Humane Society and Animal Control, went door to door asking if they'd seen her, everything I could think of. No luck. Friday, when my son would be back from his dad's, was approaching at lightening speed. If I wasn't at work or scanning ads, I was curled up in a ball, crying. Holding Appollo for some comfort...bless him for understanding as much as a dog can...and wondering what I was going to say to my son.

Friday came, 6 o'clock was almost there and still no Puggles. I had run a bath, trying to collect my wits, what was I gonna say? I was drying off when I heard my son come through the front door calling "Mom! I'm here! Hi Appollo!" and then it came...."Where's Puggles?" Standing there in my towel, I managed to say "Hon, she's not here" The tears started coming as I explained what happened, apologizing because I had let him down. "It's not your fault, mom" I could hear the hurt in his voice.

For the next few weeks, we continued to scan ads for found, missing and even pets that were up for sale (in case someone found her and tried to sell her). We visited the animal shelter, followed every possible lead and posted sign after sign. We even renewed the 'Lost' ads with a promise of a reward, no questions asked, for her return. Announcing it even at my son's school over the morning announcements. Nothing. Desperate to try and mend my son's broken heart I answered an ad for someone moving to California and saying they couldn't take their pug with them, Roxie was her name and I brought her home. But unfortunately my son was so fixated on Puggles, that the new pug wasn't being well-received. She just wasn't Puggles and couldn't possibly take her place. A month went by....5 weeks....6 weeks...and then the magical call came. Someone had seen a neighbor with a newly acquired black pug. I described her in detail and they said they'd check it out further and get back to me. A week later, today, they called again. They said they were sure this was my pug. The man who had her was very skittish whenever they asked about her and would whisk the pug inside whenever they looked his way. I called a police friend of mine and he put me in touch with an officer on duty. When the officer showed up, I explained everything that had taken place. He offered to go over to the house and check it out. We went with him to identify the dog. When the man opened the dog Puggles ran out! The officer caught her and I called out "Puggles!!" She started wagging her curled tail off and squirmed out of the officer's hands running up to us. She still had the same collar on that we had taken a picture of and everything. We laughed and cried and hugged and were so incredibly happy to have her back!! She's home and bathed (she smelled like cigarette smoke, yuck!) and back to being the cuddlebug she was!

Daddy's Girl

This year hasn't start out that well for me in any area...I'm broke, I lost my pug, my glasses were eaten by my new pug so I've been blind for almost a month. My ex is still pushing my buttons and my love life....well let's just say that it has followed suit with everything else. When you have such a huge fall at the beginning of the party, you have little desire to stay, you'd rather just go home and go to bed so you can wake up to a new day (and hope the fellow party-goers either didn't notice your huge flub or were to drunk to remember.)

I'm becoming more and more aware that if you want something done, you have to almost always do it yourself. My sales in my acting area have been very low for the first 2 months of the year. A lot of that is due to not being able to put up new stuff. I could point the finger at my friend who does the editing, but in reality it's my fault. That's what happens when you trust a man I guess. (at least a man who's not your Dad, lol) I swear, my Dad is probably the only male I can count on 110%, everyone else, for the most part, will help you if and when they get around to it. It's frustrating but that's life.

My dad has ALWAYS been there for me, no matter what. You know he sold his motocycle just so he and my mom could buy a changing table for me when I was a baby? When I was in sixth grade and it was Parent Day at school, my dad took off work to come eat lunch with me (this was way before it was so popular for your parent to come eat lunch with you like it is today. I can't even count how many times I've eaten lunch with my son at school, just because...). I can still remember how proud I was to see him walk down the hall. He was wearing his green 3 piece suit and still had his name badge on from work. When I left for Denmark to be a foreign exchange student, he told me "If ANYONE hurts you while you're over there, you call me. I'll be on the next plane out."

My ex-husband really tore my heart apart. To this day, if he would even dare say so much as 'hi' to my dad, he'd be in for the butt-whopping of his life. I suspect that's why he's never had the balls to glance my dad's way since we seperated. My dad may be able to get a senior citizen's discount, but he could still take my ex down!

One of my favorite tv series was 'Alias' wherein Jennifer Ganer places Sydney, a spy for the CIA and Victor Garber plays Jack, her father, also a spy for the CIA. Throughout that series you see that mega bond between a daddy and his little girl, very few things are tougher, I believe that. Jack would do anything for his daughter and her well-being. I know for a fact that my own dad is the same way. Boyfriends, husbands, best friends, even other relatives....all of them may come and go and be there every once in a while, my Dad is there without question, every single time. He's the one man I know for a fact that I can count on. Just like Marilyn Monroe once sang.... "My heart belongs to my daddy" and I will always be daddy's little girl :)

**I know you read my blog, Dad, I love you :)

Enough

I got an IM this evening from my ex=husband, starting off witgh 'hope you are well'. Knowing how my ex is, this immediately raised red flags. What did he want? Why was he being nice to ME? Why would he even IM me out of the blue to just check in? Then he asked if I'd like to see the baby for a bit when he dropped off my son. That is such a bittersweet question. On one hand, of course, I would LOVE to, I absolutely love newborns. But on the other, this baby is a slap in the face reminder of his moving on and the fact that he's seemingly so happy now that I'm out of the picture. It's heartbreaking to know that and at the same time want so much to hold the baby because I know U probably will never get the chance to experience that again for myself.

When I was his wife and had my son, he never wanted to be a part of that. I'm the one who did the diapers and comforting, feeding and then being thrown up on, etc. Even when my son got older, my ex still left ALL the parenting duties to me. At times I was over-whelmed and just wanted him to help. Most of the time I just wanted him to be a part of my son's growing up. He was growing at the speed of life and my ex was missing it! Not only was my son treated as a simple 'status symbol, but I had become the same. He could say he was married and had a child, he could say he was a providing husband and father, but emotionally he had pulled further and further away. I had no idea why, I just assume because I wasn't 'enough'. Wasn't good enough, or worthy of his attention unless it suited HIS needs.

Now he's with the 'true love of his life' as he's told me, and now he seems to be the husband and father that I always craved. If he's really changed then that's great, but why couldn't he do this sooner? Why wasn't I enough? I want to tell myself that he was the bad one, the jerk, but maybe it was me, maybe I just wasn't meant to be someone's partner for life. Maybe I just don't deserve it, who knows? Anyway you slice it, it just plain sucks. Knowing you were tossed away when you outlived your usefullness hurts and it hurts for a long time. It's going on 3 years now and I'm still trying to close up that wound, but everytime it gets close it gets ripped open again and puts me back at square one. They say time heals all wounds......well, here's hopin'

Night all

You Want Fries With That?

On the list of "Most Desirable/Sought After Jobs" , fast-food isn't even remotely towards the top. If course, it's also low on the list as far as 'Easiest Jobs to do Well". The later is a little-known fact. I'm one of the 'lucky ones' who knows first hand. If you think fast-food is an easy job, 1) you've never worked at Wendy's and 2) you're not doing it right!

Picture, if you will, a loud kitchen area...people talking, some yelling while a mere 4 feet away, while you strain to hear the man placing his order over the roar of his diesel engine. There are metal pans being dropped and multiple beepers and buzzers going off. To talk to the guy at the speaker, you have to hold a button down on your headset (the earpiece has no padding and is squeezing your ear). It works like a walkie-talkie except you can hear anything being said as long as someone is at the speaker.

Now, you listen to the order...among the several items, (which you have to push the button on your headset to ask needed questions, with one finger, giving you only one hand to do other things with at the same time) there's a few combos, in which even though the guys is rattling off several , along with we'll say 4 Frosty's, drinks and each burger is made differently. For one simple 'single cheese combo, medium with a coke, no pickle extra onion, there are exactly 10 buttons I have to hit on the register. If he adds a sour cream and chives potato, that adds 8 more buttons to the mix. That's a lot of buttons to push before he simply moves on to the next item, isn't it?

At the same time you are taking this order, you have to scoop the ice into a cup for his drink (holding the cup in one hand, using the ice scoop in the other). The Frosty machine is several feet away and he wants 4 of them...6 buttons and again, holding the cup in one hand and lifting the lever to the Frosty machine in the other (while he's continuing to order), He adds a 5 piece nugget no sauce and then a couple seconds later, changes it to a combo, with no sauce, small sized with a Frosty shake, vanilla. Total buttons.... 12. Meanwhile, the beeper in the back is going off and being the order taker at drive-thru, that's your job to turn it off, stir the chili on the stove, and yell out for them to 'stir (chili) wipe (down their sandwhich stations) flip (flip the cheese in their pans over) and rotate (the chicken and potatoes, to make sure the old products are romoved and the new products are rotated up front). During all this this, you ran out of small cups and the stock room is about 25 feet away. Guess who has to run back and get them, open them and reload the holder? That'd be you and even though you're finished with the diesel truck guy, there's another one right after them and so on and so forth.

After 2 o'clock, half the staff goes home, usually requiring all of the above, plus the collecting of the money (and counting back correct change), bagging your orders, getting the fries, dropping more fries (and the same with nuggets). Can you count and talk and listen all at the same time? Well, and do everything else I've mentioned at the exact same time? Don't forget that smile on your face. And all this takes place in under 3 minutes, a lot of time it's under 1 1/2. Our average lunch time wait is 'under 100 seconds' from the time they place their order to the time we hand it out the window.

Some customers give you the added 'treat' of not even looking at you as they hold they're money flapping in the breeze. I mean, we're just lowly fast-food workers, why would THEY give us the time of day? The ones who blow cigarette smoke in your face or leave the windshield wipes on full blast, showering you with water as you collect their money just make your day.

Honestly, I know there are lots of jobs out there that are more stressful, but walk a mile in a fast-food workers shoes and you'll see that most jobs have nothing on what we have to deal with several days a week, hours on end with no breather and not sitting down. If you do happen to get a vreak in customers, you get yelled at if you talk about anything other than 'burgers, fries and drinks' are stand there catching your breath...you have to get ready for the next rush of customers. Plus, those same people that look at us as we're beneath them would go crazy if all of a sudden we weren't there. Yeah, they'd survive but they'd have to take time to pack their own lunches in the morning 5 days a week (Oh my!)

I know a lot of people who wouldn't last a day doing what I do while they claim they have it so much harder than me....HA! (My ex husband jumps to mind, lol) Of course, you know what they say...."If ya can't stand the heat....."Just a little something to think about when you're at the drive-thrus speaker and are asked "Would you like fries with that?"

The Easy Way Out

Some people just baffle me with they way they regard animals. I'm a true dog lover. I love their companionship and unconditional love, they're playfullness, right up to their dying day and the're ablity to live in the moment. They forgive and forget in a way us humans can only dream about and have a resilence that can not help but be admored. Yes, they can get into trouble, yes they make messes and they're not always as quiet as church mice, but the same can be said for humans. Any dog lover will tell you that each dog has a personality very much human-like, they can console or clown around and feel us with such warmth and giving us that much needed comic relief.

What baffles me is the little regard some people show for these animals. They buy that cute little puppy in the window, usually as a gift or soetimes just because they'd thought it'd 'be fun' and then come to the realization that a dog is a true responsibility, not just something to have around at their own conveinience. Once the truth sinks in, the lucky ones are 'rehomed', the not so lucky are dumped out along the side of the road, left to fend for themselves or doomed to live out the rest of theor lives alone and at the end of a chain. Not only are they abused, but they are starved of that human affection and contact that they so dearly crave.

I have not only owned dogs most of my life, but in the past few years, fostered the ones who were abandoned by their previous owners when they became adults and the responsibility sunk in. On one hand, I am always furious to hear of so many dogs who are put up for sale because the owner 'just can care for them anymore', increasingly popular is the excuse "We're having a baby and the dog has to go". To me, that's the same thing as saying "You know what Billy, we're having a new baby, so we have to get rid of you, it's just too much for us to deal with"

The pug I recently got was a victum of just being too much trouble. I admit, she is a handful, but she's still precious! One of the boxers I fostered, Zoe, was borm deaf. Her owners were going to have her killed because they just didn't want the trouble. A local boxer rescue group stepped in and took her. Now she's happily living in a loving home where the owner is all to happy to have her. Zoe was taught sign language and is now 'helping' her owner show deaf children how deafness can be overcome. Her picture is the picture I've included in this blog. Appollo is my own boxer, I've had him ever since he was a baby and he means the world to me. I could never part with him due to lack of time or because he's just become to much trouble. Believe me, he's caused his share of grief, lol, but I wouldn't trade him for the world, just as it should be :)

And Me, Without My Rocket Science Degree....

Good Heavens Above!! I was trying to update my blog and first the power went out so I had to wait for that to past. After which I got side-tracked with playing Ninja Warz on Facebook (thanks to a 12 1/2 year old, I'm now addicted to the game), but all have you know, I am now level 16, woohoo! Then when I made up my mind to do my blog, my computer froze and I had to reboot. Got back online and through several acts of congress, was able to get to the 'post new blog' section. I was about to blog on how busy yesterday was, but it's nothing compared to what I had to go through to get this little tidbit of sheer non-sense up! I'm sure actually spinning into Wonder Woman might have been easier at this point,

As I was originally going to post, yesterday was busy, busy, busy as I and a dear friend of mine composed and shot a video for my clip store. Naturally, true to form, it involved a good hand to hand combat scene and then me surrendurring to the villans whims. Really puts your age into prospective! lol I now have a few new bruises and 98% of my muscles are begging for mercy, but we got it shot. Now if the editing will take less than a week or 3, I might be able to pull in some customers for this month!

Body aches aside, it does feel great to be in the costume again, fighting the bad guys. Losing, as almost required, but we had a good time doing it. I even got the added bonus of being told that for a 39 yr old, I still have a rockin' body, which hey, is ok by me! I just hope this rockin bod recoups within the next 5 hours because I am ssssooooooo sore! Plus, I have a super long day tomorrow which entails me getting up at 5:20 am.....yeah, I'll believe it when I see it! For now, this rockin' sore and bruised bod is gonna crash for a few hours and then hope I have the strength to drag my body outta bed tommorrow!

Night all!