Today, to escape the loudness and craziness of my household, I went to Kroger's. Not your usual vacation destination, in fact, it too, was crowded. I guess everyone had the same idea as I did. I picked up a single serving of Italian Cream cake (ok, it had 2 pieces, but I'm the only one eating it and I'm single, lol) and some roses. Yep, I bought myself roses, bridal white ones. I gave every bunch the whiff test and the bridal white ones smelled the best. Never bought myself roses before, but I figured that zebra-striped vase that my parents got me for my birthday was too pretty to just stick under the sink because I didn't have any flowers to put in there. Let's face it, the vase ain't gonna fill itself! Naturally, it got me thinking...
I remember that the grooms cake at my wedding was Italian Cream. My bouquet was made up of red, purple and bridal white roses. My wedding was, from the outside, a fairytale wedding. It took place in a victorian mansion, the grooms tux reminded you of what they wore in that same era and my dress was beautiful, straight out of a Cinderella story, complete with clear shoes. I was being married by my father-in-law, to the man I fell for at first sight. What could be more perfect?
The inside story was so full of red flags, you would have thought you were in a Chinese airport. I was exhausted and it showed, so I had to use theatrical make-up to make myself look alive. My maid of honor had got word that her 16 yr old sister had run away, so she was extremely upset and so late that we barely had time to shoot pictures with just the girls. The cake showed up made entirely wrong, so they had to send out a decorator to fix it last minute. The box with the rings vanished, they were found moments before the ceremony. (Oh, and since they made my ring wrong, it didn't match the grooms ring at all, I was actually married in a 'rental ring'). I paid for a cascading bouquet, it showed up and it was not cascading. The limo was suppose to be white, it was black.
But I overlooked all of that, because I truly believed that I was marrying the man meant for me. There were signs before and after the wedding too, signs I should have paid closer attention too. Deep in my mind, this little voice was screaming at me, telling me no, but I thought I knew best. I think I chose to ignore it, chose to hold all hope, because I wanted the relationship more than I wanted the groom. It was the idea of finally growing up, of having someone who loved me and who would be there for me, be my best friend.
Even though he turned out to be this self-centered, lying alcoholic, he did have his moments. I remember he bought me this pen he saw at the gas station. It was a heavy, ornate pen that had a little enamel dolphin on the top. We had very little money, so the $4 was a lot, but he bought it for me because when he saw it, he remembered I loved dolphins and it would make me happy. Every once in a while, he'd come home with a dozen roses too. No occassion (and I don't know if it was to clear his concious or what) but I love roses and he would do it 'just because'. That's always the best reason to give anyone anything...just because. It's a token of love and appreciation.
We've been divorced now for almost 3 years. He's been remarried for almost 2 years and even though I hate what he did to me and my son, every once in a while he does something to make me wonder. Probably to string me along or just twist the knife a little deeper into my heart, who knows? Last Friday, when I dropped my son off, he suprised me with a jar of spaghetti sauce. I know, most people would laugh at the thought and that's ok. This was Mids brand, which up until about a year ago was only available in a small area of Ohio. I grew up on it, it's awesome and I always raved about it. He remembered that and bought me a jar. It was the sweetest thing he's done for me in years, which now of course, raises my curiosity as to why? The dolphin broke off the pen years and years ago and the pen ran out of ink. But you know what? I still have it. Those little things mean a lot and they always will.
Night all!
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