Enough

I got an IM this evening from my ex=husband, starting off witgh 'hope you are well'. Knowing how my ex is, this immediately raised red flags. What did he want? Why was he being nice to ME? Why would he even IM me out of the blue to just check in? Then he asked if I'd like to see the baby for a bit when he dropped off my son. That is such a bittersweet question. On one hand, of course, I would LOVE to, I absolutely love newborns. But on the other, this baby is a slap in the face reminder of his moving on and the fact that he's seemingly so happy now that I'm out of the picture. It's heartbreaking to know that and at the same time want so much to hold the baby because I know U probably will never get the chance to experience that again for myself.

When I was his wife and had my son, he never wanted to be a part of that. I'm the one who did the diapers and comforting, feeding and then being thrown up on, etc. Even when my son got older, my ex still left ALL the parenting duties to me. At times I was over-whelmed and just wanted him to help. Most of the time I just wanted him to be a part of my son's growing up. He was growing at the speed of life and my ex was missing it! Not only was my son treated as a simple 'status symbol, but I had become the same. He could say he was married and had a child, he could say he was a providing husband and father, but emotionally he had pulled further and further away. I had no idea why, I just assume because I wasn't 'enough'. Wasn't good enough, or worthy of his attention unless it suited HIS needs.

Now he's with the 'true love of his life' as he's told me, and now he seems to be the husband and father that I always craved. If he's really changed then that's great, but why couldn't he do this sooner? Why wasn't I enough? I want to tell myself that he was the bad one, the jerk, but maybe it was me, maybe I just wasn't meant to be someone's partner for life. Maybe I just don't deserve it, who knows? Anyway you slice it, it just plain sucks. Knowing you were tossed away when you outlived your usefullness hurts and it hurts for a long time. It's going on 3 years now and I'm still trying to close up that wound, but everytime it gets close it gets ripped open again and puts me back at square one. They say time heals all wounds......well, here's hopin'

Night all