WOW, what a Ride!

            For some reason...maybe it's the country music that's playing right now...but I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, so come on with me as I bounce through Memory Lane for a minute. It's no secret that I hate Clarksville, it's just not the best place for a creative type for me to be in. I'm in the ever popular circle of Facebook, that lovely friends community that let's you connect with past loves, past friends and people you went to high school with and even thpugh they wouldn't have given you the time of day in high school, they want to be your friend now on Facebook, lol.

            I'm sure you've heard the phrase "The grass is always greener on the other side" and that may seem to be true, unless we examine the fine print of others' lives as well as our own. Sure, I've been through some really tough times...divorce, betrayal, loss and the like, and those times REALLY sucked! Some still hurt. But if I truly examine my life, it's been full of wonderful and amazing moments and even though the bad stuff stands out and has scarred me, I can't help but look at the fact that I have a pretty great life!

           Just to name a few.......
I have moved over 30 times in my life (andf no, not because of the military). Just think of all the places I've experienced and people I've met that a lot of people couldn't even dream of!

I was a foreign exchange student in Denmark.....how many people do you know who can say THAT? How many people do you know that can even say they know where Denmark IS, much less can say they've been there!

I've performed on stage in 4 states, including a world preimere musical and the famed "Cats"! The tally is well over 25 musicals and plays (most of which I had the lead or at least a solo song on)!

I've been a surrogate mother, which means I literally had someone elses baby...how many people do you know can say THAT? It was an amazing experience and I'm glad I had it!

I have the most wonderful son....very caring and sympathetic, smart, good looking and I can't wait to see what he does with his life!

I am known in at least a dozen countries as Wonder Woman and have fans all over the world.

I am now married to an amazing man whoi loves me so much that he';s put his total faith into me as a wedding photographer. He's my true kindred spirit and we'll be together for as long as both of us or on this earth :)

I've fed and pet a dolphin and a giraffe! My favorite two animals in the world...aside from my boxer, Apoolo and my pug, Puggles, of course!

I have accomplished more than a lot of people even dream of and am proud of myself. I'm honest, creative, talented, sincere and honest. I'm not a hypocrite like an unfortunate number of past acquaintances and loves are. I know exactly who I am and will never claim to be something else, even though I compromise on things as any mother does.

I challenge you to find anyone else who has done all that I have and am willing to do so much more! I'm not even half ways done. All who have betrayed me and screwed me in some way in the past (they should know who they are, lol) karma is one mean thing and it WILL come around! I had the pleasure of being there when it's hit some who have crossed me and I assure you, it makes for a REALLY great day!

Some may think I'm not that great or that I've comptomised and given in on way too much. To them, I say that you can't live the life I have without it, I'm happy and that's the main goal in all this :) Sure there's more I'd liked to have done, but I'm not done yet, who's to say I won't accomplish a lot of other amazing things before I go? My life isn't perfect, but who's is? My life is just fine, thank you very much! And anyone would be hapoy to have a life such as mine :)

True BFF's

Well, April 28th 2012 I married my best friend! The wedding planning was long but Bill & I planned everything right down to the last detail, together! He's so incredibly organized, it's amazing! He likes lists and I do too, so that part worked very well. We decided to have a small wedding, just close friends and family and a few guys from work. We held it in our back yard which has a beautiful gazebo covered with whisteria.

We had a cake that was set on a revolving Scrabble board, which is one of things that we always do together. It was bordered with bling ribbon and, of course, Scrabble tiles! It was a magical day to say the least and apart from the problems with the photographer, it was a truly magical day. I loved my dress and my groom and our kids look wonderful. We did the sand ceremony, which I didn't do in my first marriage. Thought I'd try something different and more meaningful. So far, it's been fantastic and I hope and pray that we will be truly best friends forever!

FINALLY a Decent Proposal!

I had been dating this wonderful man, Bill, for almost a year. He had moved in, treated me wonderfully and even watched which me the entire series of one of my absolute favorite shows, Alias. We got off to a bumpy start, breaking up and getting back together a few times, but that was just because we were both trying to figure out whether we wanted to be single or not. We tried just being friends who played Scrabble, but then we just decided that we couldn't live without each other.

It was an early evening in June, I had just gotten back from taking my son to his dad's and we were starting our usual Friday night xbox and margaritas when Bill went into the computer and put on some music. He started playing "Build me up, Buttercup". My first thought was "Oh, cool, the proposal song that Danny sang to Sydney in the pilot of 'Alias'". The next thing I know, Bill comes out with a box and gets down on one knee and proceeds to give me the most heart-fely, sincere wonderful wedding proposal in history!

I was blown away! I mean, really, I'm very hard to surprise and I had noticed my jewelry box had been moved, so I had suspected something, but for him to play a song that actually was special and to actually get down on bended knee was just so over-whelming! I knelt down with him and said an obvious yes. After we hugged and kissed he said to pack a bag, he had a surprise. We hit the road and went to Metropolis, Indiana. Naturally, we stopped to get a Wonder Woman tee shirt :) We went to Harrah's Casino and got a fabulous hotel room. Despite my getting sick...I do that when I'm super over-whelmed, lol.....we had an awesome time. The entire night I couldn't decide which to stare at most....my 1 carat plus marquis engagment ring or my brand new fiance'.

For the first time in a LONG time, I actually felt loved, valued and trusted. Here was a guy that was more than willing to take me as I was.....my eccentric love of Wonder Woman, my strong will to rescue dogs, my sensitive nature and more importantly, my son. There were a few times when my chronic depression got the best of me and sent me in such a self-destructive death spiral, but he was there and helped me through it. This man was special, he was the one I had been praying for. And in a few months, it would all become official :)

Enough

Everyone has something that they're really good at, whether it be politics, motherhood, photography or medicine. Mine? I'm a good actress..no, scratch that, a GREAT actress. I pretty good at photography and anything else creative too. But the cruel joke is that I'm stuck with average looks and a spare tire. Not to mention the fact that I'm in an area of the country that makes it almost impossible to get noticed!

I'm newly, an happily, married to a wonderful man who loves me for who I am, but sometimes I just long for the recognition and the feeling that I'm special, that I stand out above most. I'm a performer at heart and I can't for the life of me change that. It's just that the cards seem to be stacked against me. I used to have a much better physique at least, but I was married to a total jerk who wanted me hidden from the rest of the world. Then after I got divorced, I was free, but I was also so broke I couldn't afford to go after anything remotely like my dreams.

I had a few small tastes of it....I have a clips4sale store that allowed me to be creative and act, although extremely cheesy and I would never get recognized there, that's for sure. There are no community theatres near by, so the stage acting is out. I had my love of photography rekindled by an ex-boyfriend, who actually used me as his second shooter for a while and I loved it! But that was yanked away when he could get more 'professional' photographers to help, then he got married so she'll be replacing me completely. The guy who was helping me with my clips store up and decided that he was done with me, so he dropped me as well. It just kills me to know that I would have done anything for these guys, I supported the photographer when he was just starting out, I helped the clips guy through some really rough patches and what happened? I got tossed aside and forgotten. Does true friendship honestly just NOT exist? I mean, I had my doubts for years, but these guys actually changed my mind into thinking that I could actually have a decent friendship, then when I least expexted it, BAM! It was gone and quite frankly I really feel used :(

People just don't give a hoot about how good your heart is unless it's encased within a barbie-doll physique, nice and local and they don't have to put forth any effort unless sex is a perk. I mean really?! Has our society really downgraded to such a level? I think it's pathetic! I would NEVER just drop someone without serious cause and even then I'd let them know why, so they could learn from their mistakes and have a chance to redeem themselves.

Now I'm in my 40's, 20 pounds heavier, and wrinkles have started creeping into my less than stellar face. Maybe I just just vanish, hang up my cape for good and forget about those who have tossed me aside, just live out the next few years as an ugly housewife and deal with it. At least my husband loves me and thinks I'm attractive, as long as I make sure he doesn't get his eyes checked out, I should be fine! LOL I'll never be a photographer or an actress, probably never have any more close friends, but who cares? Who'll even read this? Nobody, probably, lol it's just my personal rant, complaint department, pity party, reality check, whatever. I have one really great best friend, he just happens to be my husband too, and that'll have to be enough.

Hi, my name is Shellene Kent and it's been a year since my last blog! I decided to start up again, after taking a year-long break. I've truly had a whirlwind year and just got so off track that I haven't been able to keep up with my blog. In fact, before I went AWOL, my blog, itself, got rather derailed, lol!
I started this blog to give my friends and fans an extra-special behind-the-scenes look at what happens when I hang up my cape and don my everyday identity. Of course, lots of things started happening and my fingers just couldn't keep up! But I'm back now and I plan to stay!
My clips store is really doing well this year. So well, in fact, that I've been able to hire new faces, dress them in new costumes and film them with a new camera! As always, I remain devoted to my fans and want to keep you all coming back for more. I'm very open to suggestions and scripts that you'd like to see me do and am even planning on exploring new fetishes such as pantyhosed/stocking feet, food and object crush, dangling/shoe play and much more.
Of course, you can always contact me personally with any ideas, thoughts and suggestions you may have. I'm gearing up and cranking out ideas for the upcoming new year, so if you'd like to see anything special, just drop me a line and we'll talk some spandex!

All I Want for Christmas.....

Well, it's been a silent night here at my place, just me and my dogs this year. Since my son is with his father this year for the holidays, my family had their Christmas early. We ventured our way to Florida, along with my boyfriend and his daughter. My mom brought my son and I back since my boyfriend always stays in Florida for 2 weeks. I would have loved to stay as well, but since my son had to fly out to Texas to be with my ex's new family, we had to come back early. It is a tad lonely, but not because it's Christmas, simply because I'm all alone....and sick, yuck! Santa gave me the flu for this Christmas, lucky me.

So...it's just me, my dogs and a strong Holiday mudslide, watching movies. It gives me a chance to write on my sorely neglected blog, lol and reflect. Both of us can truly see what we mean to each other, being apart for over a week, which is the longest we've done so since we met in August.

I've surprised myself. Even though I honestly wanted to be in love, I didn't think I would ever get that chance until he came along. With every passing day, I find myself more and more in love with him. He's not perfect...nobody is, but he comes REALLY close. What surprises me the most is that the 'newness' hasn't worn off yet. I still have that "I can't WAIT to see him again" feeling. Whether it's knowing he's at work or that he's with his family in Florida. When he does come home, I'm ecstatic. He talks to me...not just a few quick things about work or what we want for dinner, but truly talks to me. I've never had that. My ex and I never could just shoot the breeze and that's one thing I deeply missed. Just being with him makes me extremely happy. He listens to me, my son loves him to death, which is huge, and he cares for my well-being.

As we slowly integrate our lives, we are able to communicate very well. We have the same ideas of what a relationship should be and that's refreshing. We're both really big on quality time and will spend hours playing Scrabble or doing things together. I love that! We both have quality time as our love language, which is one of the reasons we get along so well. We can even effectively communicate and discuss things rather than fly off the handle if we disagree on something or if we have a problem with something.

I have finally found a man I can always trust to be there for me and look out for me, to love me and hold me. I am finally very happy and so grateful that we found each other. And to think, it only took 39 years! I really hope everything works out for us and truly believe it will. It's been five months since we've met, so it's still a new relationship, but reflecting back on previous relationships, I've never even come close to what I have with him and I hope that 'newness' excitement never does wear off. If I could have one wish for this Christmas, it would be to be with him :) But I know that isn't possible this year. I just take comfort in the thought that we will have many Christmases to spend together, so what's just this one? We'll have the rest of our lives together, hopefully, and I can't wait!

Unknown

So today I started filling out my college application.....pause for effect, lol. I know, I know, I already went to college, about a million years ago. But I only went long enough to get my AA and after putting the educational priorities on the back burner for over a decade, I've decided that I should put it up towards the front again. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get out of the fast food industry and start making enough money to actually put myself above poverty level instead of below it.

The application was fairly simple....name, address, former schools....all the usual. Then I got to a suuprisingly awkward question....emergency contact. It had always been a fairly simple question, one of the easiest one actually. My parents, then it was my husband, and then after my seperation and divorce, it was my brother. Now.....well, I don't have anyone really. My parents live 3 states away, my ex-husband wouldn't care, in fact, he'd probably laugh and hang up, lol. My brother now lives a good 2 hours away and is busy with his new wife and family. So, that leaves pretty much just me. I could put down and ex boyfriend or the guy I'm dating now, but seriously, what for? Hopefully it's not a deal-breaker to get admitted or anything. I can always be sly and put down my alternate cell phone number with 'Diana' which is what I go by at work, listed as my best friend of 39 years, lol. I don't think they'd ever have reason to use it anyway, so really, what's the harm?

The thing is though, I'D know. It's just one more dig I have to take in....the fact that I am alone and probably always will be. That's what the hard part is. Oh well....there's more to life than just being able to fill in a stupid line on an application, although it's a nice thought.

Being unknown is a fear of mine. Not really along the same lines as my fear of spiders or closed in spaces, but it's up there. The idea of being known.....having someone who knows you inside and out and loves you anyway....that's something very special, and rare. If you are ever lucky enough to be known, make the most of it and hold on to it tightly because you will miss it when it goes away.

A Matter of Time

Time can be a dear friend or a vicious enemy. Time is what we measure our lives with...whether it be work, relationships, watching our children grow...all can be measured by time. We celebrate it with birthdays and anniversaries and curse it with the aging process and death of loved ones. Love it or hate it, time is there.

My Dad always said "Don't wish your life away" when we were young and wished we could be older. We never seemed to be satisfied with the now, always wanting time to hurry up so we could be older and do 'better things' Of course, the older we get, the more we wish we could get that time back and go back to being young. See? We're never satisfied with where we are now. Recently, I've been coming to terms with that.

Three years ago, I reluctantly moved back to Clarksville because that's what I had to do to get joint custody of my son. Even though as a mom, I don't want my son to ever grow up, as an unwilling resident of Clarksville, I've caught myself wanting time to speed up so I could leave here. I've written before how I didn't want to get involved in a serious relationship because years from now, I would want to leave and then where would I be? Well, that question comes up quite often as of late.

The idea that I will more than likely move away has been somewhat a shell of protection, my solid back-up plan, my excuse for staying alone. Because hey, if I'm painfully single in 4 or 5 years, I'll be free to move where ever I choose without having to worry about having the hard choice of leaving someone behind or electing to stay here. Granted, I have have time. I mean, really, absolutely anything can happen in half a decade, so it's almost impossible to make any solid plans of any kind. For the past 3 years, that planning has kept me going, given me a far away goal that was customized to me and only me. With each passing year, I became more sure that it would only be me that I would have to deal with, as my chance for finding Mr Right would begin to fade at an alarming rate.

Recently, about 5 weeks ago to be more precise, that plan started to alter. I started seeing someone whom I think holds a lot of possibility. We both are being extremely cautious where the heart is concerned, and rightfully so if your knew what we've each dealt with in the past. That caution has layed forth some unique ground rules in our relationship. The biggest of those rules is time. It's been felt that if we don't think of one another as 'The One' after 3 months of dating, than it's best to just back down to the notch of 'just friends' and go on searching elsewhere for our next (and hopefully last) partner. I understand the reasoning behind this deadline. The date of December 1st is what has been set. However my mind is still trying to solidify the details of what this all means and will mean. Just how does one keep their heart in check and protected while at the same time try to make room for another person? How do you let yourself see what feelings are possible with this other person while at the same time hold back from going all out and (dare I say) love this person or let them into your heart, knowing full-well that it might all be over with come December?

He said I'm gambling with my heart...he's probably right. Whether I'm falling in love with him...well, I don't know. I don't even know what that means exactly. How do you tell you love someone? Seriously. I was always under the impression that love lasts forever, yet the few times I thought I was in love, that 'love' faded. Was I not really ever in love in the first place? Or is that just what happens after a while? Love fades. The term 'forever' is maybe something just made up for the sake of a fairytale and doesn't exist in real life.

What does it feel like to honestly be in love with somebody? If we don't know, then how can we possibly walk away from a relationship because we're not 'in love' as we know it...which is probably more the idea we've gotten from Hollywood or fairytales anyway. How do we know when it's true love that we've fallen into? What are the signs?

Anyway, no matter how you look at it, I've been trying not to worry about it, what will be, will be. I'm trying my hardest to just enjoy the now and not wish the next few months away. For now, I'm happy. The happiest I've been in a long time, why would I want to wish that away on the gamble of what MIGHT happen come December? I don't have the luck for that, I think I'll stay just where I am for now. Right or wrong, love or not, I've had enough experience to realize that I'll miss this when it goes away, so might as well enjoy it while I have it.

Ponody's Nerfect

As usual, I've been reflecting on my recent past. This year I had started out with the hope that it was going to be a banner year for me, not 3 weeks into 2010, everything crashed. I've been trying to get up and dust myself off for 9 months now and everytime I do, somebody pushes me back down. I'm thinking I should lay low until January 1st 2011, lol.
I've come to know Clarksville as Limbo...that's how I feel anyway. I'm in this treading water situation that I just can't get out of no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try. I've tried so hard to rise above it and carry on, but let's face it, my heart just isn't in it. I'm trapped here until I'm 44...44! Even though my life is on hold, the aging process sure isn't! All I want is to find someone who will actually love me for the rest of my life and whom I can love back just as much. Out of everything in the world, that's all I want, but I have come to realize that it's asking too much. I've met a couple guys this year that I truly believe I could have loved and every one of them only lasted under a month. most vanished without a trace, a couple were kind enough to email or call with their 'why we weren't going to work' excuses and THEN vanish. I think my proble, is that I'm too picky....I only am interested in men who are, in every sense of the word, too good for me. Then I sit around stupidly thinking "What happened? What'd I do wrong?" Well DUH! A heart of gold doesn't count for much when it's stacked against the image and all-mighty looks factor. It's not that I'm angry at them for thinking such, I mean, I'm the same way, so I understand. So once again, here I sit in Borders on a Saturday night, staring into the sunset thinking "what if..."
I watched the movie 'The Holiday' several times today. I love that movie! I can SO identify with the characters. It always makes me laugh and cry. Some times it leaves me thinking "Yeah, THAT ending is Hollywood, that'll never happen in real life, at least not mine" and then there's the rare times I watch the credits with new-found hope and a glimmer of "Ok, maybe it can happen to me too" The former is where I'm sitting today.
The opening monologue is beautifully done by Kate Winslet, over a series of brief character introduction scenes....

"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespear's said 'Journeys end in lovers meeting....What an extra-ordinary thought. Personally I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe that Shakespear had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I'm constantly amazed by it's sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespear who also said "Love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some, quite inexplicatively, love fades... For others, love is simply lost. But then of course, love can also be found...even if only for the night.
And then there's another kind of love. The cruelest kind. The one that almost kills it's victims. It's called "un-requited love". Of that I am an expert Most love stories are about the ones who fall in love with each other, but what about the rest of us? Yje ones who fall in love alone. We are the cursed of the loved ones, we are the un-loved ones. The walking wounded. The handicapped without the advatage of a great parking spot......"

I imagine (quite frequently, in fact) that it would feel so amazing to actually be completely in love with someone AND have them be completely in love with me. I often wonder if I have ever even been in love. I know I've never been in a relatuinship where both parties were completely and totally in love with each other. I have thought that I was in love before though. Like Iris (Kate Winslet's role in The Holiday) I was in love alone and it was the darkest time of my life. The feeling that you would do absolutely anything for them but knew that they didn't feel the same of you was crushing. There were very few guys that fell into this catagory of my life, I can list them on one hand with a finger or too left over. A couple of them, my feelings have faded, but a couple of them are still the cause for tears. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that may be true for some. For me, I think that's a bunch of crap. Absence makes feelings fade, which can be good or bad, but in my experience, it's what happens. I think that's why people run away from relationships... they realize they're headed towards loving someone and it scares them. Forever is just not everyone's bag. Usually it's the same group of people that state they don't want to 'settle', so they keep looking for something better. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Popular saying. My Dad once told me "When you find what you're looking for, STOP LOOKING. Because if you keep on looking, you'll end up losing a good thing for the gamble of something better...and it's usually not better at all." I believe that....you spend your whole life trading up and before you know it, you've traded everything you once wanted for nothing.
I know I'm not perfect...FAR from it in fact. I'm aware that I'm not some Barbie Doll with a perfect figure, dazzling smile amd flowing beautiful hair. Even though I have a lot of great things personality-wise, I still have a few flaws there as well. Even the guys I've fallen for in my past weren't perfect. I even would list their flaws out loud to talk myself out of liking them so much. Did it work? Sometimes. But more often than not, I would only reflect back on each moment that I adored them in......they're ability to act, their compassion for others, their show of affection or thoughtfulness, anytime we shared a bond or a laugh or a moment. That's what I remember. Not the fact that they had scrawny arms or smoked or was a little too short or couldn't sing. The good always out-weighed the bad and that's why I still to this day look back with fondness. Of course, since I was the one who had fallen for them, my leaving or the distance thing never really affected them. They has no idea what they lost. If they did, I would never know because my moving so much, it's not like I risk bumping into them later on in life. True a couple guys I have that risk, but in a few years down the raod, I'll move away. Luckily, in my life, that moving around a lot has been a God-send I mean seriously, I've had more addresses than most military folks! I usually look at this as a good thing. It's an escape clause in my life. When things get too heated, I bolt. Usually under the reasoning of a job relocation or a 'valid' excuse, but still, I always have the chance to leave and take it.

There's another great monologue Kate gives in 'The Holiday' that SO rings true for me...

"I understand feeling as some and insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or how many gyms you join or how many glasses of wine you drink with your girlfriends. You still go to bed at night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think that you were THAT happy. Sometimes you convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that...how every long 'all that' may be, you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who'll make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all of that fuzzy stuff...those years that you've wasted, will eventually begin to fade"

Well, it's going on 8 pm, the sunset is long gone and my butt is molded to this stiff, uncomfy chair. I went over my calorie count last night by about 200 calories, so today I've been extra good. Of course, that (and my wallet) both tell me that another night at El Bracero's is totally out of the question. So, this very single lady is gonna head to Kroger and grab some flowers for my zebra vase and a Redbox movie, go home and snuggle up with her 2 dogs on the sofa and enjoy a chick-flick.

Night all....

Just Another Friday Night

Well, It's Friday night again. Just after 7 pm. I've been on my diet and execerise program for, what? 2 or 3 weeks now? This weekend was suppose to be my let it all go weekend, rewarded with a night out. Well, a good old fashioned dumping ain't gonna ruin THAT! Here I sit, at my favorite 'after I drop my son off' spot, with no one but me, myself and I piggybacking off of a wi-fi signal and crowded around a stiff margarita. I should be ok calorie-wise, with yesterday ending at under 1300 and today before El Bracero's at just over 500. Granted, I'll be the only one privy to my British accent, but oh well, that's the norm anyway. I'm sure my dogs won't think twice about it when I get home, lol. The girls at work said I had a 'bedroom voice' this week on the drive thru speaker, lol must have been my mood. Can't say it did much good though, as I didn't get any offers or numbers.



I won't have a picture with this blog since I don't take my Vaio out. I'm always on the Toshiba when I'm out and since my internet/cell service is off, piggybacking wi-fi is all I have for now. Yep, September has been one bang up month for me. Dumped, check bounced because my sister and brother screwed me on the fundraiser, electric will go off on Monday, but hey, my rent will get paid :) So I guess that's something. Actually this entire year has been cause for seriously tracking down a 'universal remore' like on that movie "Click", because it's ALL pretty much sucked, this YEAR has pretty much sucked and once I hit 2011 I will be SO happy! This year has been nothing but a pain in my ASS and I can not WAIT to put it behind me.



I have been throgh ENOUGH for the last few years. I mean serioulsy WTH is wrong with me? What did I do to derserve all this crap that's been shoved my way? No matter what I do, I end up getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop and I'm SICK of it! Sometimes I feel like suck a black sheep. My brother is great my sister is great, both have a lot of friends and are happily married with kids. They invite each other to cruises together and vacations, nights out on the town and everything. Did they ever ask me? Nope! For years I was married to a jerk who would sooner die than do anything with me or God forbid, my family. I wasted over a decade of my life with him, I gave up friends, opportunity, fun, all because I wanted to makle him happy. Where'd it get me? NO WHERE!



I'm now a 39 year old divorcee' who lives below friggen poverty level and is at the mercy of her parents to simply keep a roof over her head. I have no close friends, no one in my life who really gives a crap aside from my 2 dogs and my son (every other week). I'm trapped in a town with a crappy employment rate, stupid rules that screw me at every turn and no hint of a way out until my son graduates from high school 4 years from now. And I'm trying to slim down for what? That chance that at 44 I'll be able to leave and find some place that I can exist happily for the next howevere long, along and waiting to kick the bucket? How fun for me.



Meanwhile I get to hear how mom goes clear to Savannah to help my sister with her new baby for days at a time when 20 minutes was way to far for her to help ME with my son when he was born ( and I had a husband that told me that my child was ugly and how he 'didn't want to give him up for adoption but would..." Seriously?! My sister has more stuff for the new baby than she'll ever need, 3 babyshowers and all the support in the world. My brother and sister both got to go racing with my dad (somnething I would have LOVED to do, but alas, I was never in on that one either.) I just filled like the black sheep. I don't even know what I'm saying, just know that the place is closing down and I have to post and dash.

Night all! Catcha tomorrow, I plan on goinbg to Borders to use theur signal then :)

Under New Management

Well, I've come to the conclusion (I know, I've done that a lot lately) that my site needs a major overhaul. Apparently, it's insulting and rude to expect work to be done within a 6 month time frame. I must have missed that memo. It caused people to get totally pissed off at me and drop me like a hot potato, which I'm guess the work that I had done with them was also trashed. Lovely, isn't it? But I guess I was just so overly demanding and got upset at being shoved to the back burner time after time, this is my punishment. So fine, something obviously needed to change. Counting on 'friends' no longer works, in fact it is downright pointless unless your point is to give them a knife to shove into your heart. In which case....mission accomplished.

I've decided to just cut my losses and do a total overhaul on my business. Which means the only one I will have to truly count on is ME, that way, when I DO have a problem, no one else will be in any position to be blamed, insulted or pissed off. It'll all be me.

Business will probably go down for a bit at first, but hey, it's already at the bottom, so it can't be that bad, right? I started out taking my own pictures and filming myself before anyone else got involved, I'm sure I can do it again. Maybe I'll hire college students or someone to help me with the understanding that what is shot stays with me, all they have to do is shoot and go. The rest will be MY sole responsibility. No more counting on anyone else, forcing myself to sit back and play a very long waiting game and then having people get pissed because I say something about the time crunch. That's complete CRAP, it sucks and I'm DONE! I've had ENOUGH being stepped all over and then treated as though I'M in the wrong.

Things are gonna change TODAY and I'm starting with me.

The End

So it was recently brought to my attention that maybe I should please myself first and not worry so much about everyone else. In my recent experiences, I can't seem to please anyone and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. I know I have to stop and I know the people pleasing is an addiction with me. This year, I have dated more than ever before in my whole life and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere at all. If anything, it's made me feel horrible and hopeless. So I quit. I am officially turning my back towards the dating world and saying screw it!

Yeah, finding that mythical creature deemed as my perfect mate is a dream of mine, but seriously, I think it's just that...a dream. I have come to the conclusion that it's just not meant to be for me. If a person wrecks car after car after car, you would begin to wonder about their driving. I've wrecked relationship after relationship after relationship and even though it's never my intention, it just happens. I'm sick of it. I HATE feeling this way, so I'm done.

I'm walking away while I still can. Yeah it sucks to know that it's gonna be a lonely decade or so, but I look at it this way...

I no longer have to worry about pleasing anyone

I can come and go as I please, not having to check in, ask permission or feel guilty

No more false hopes get raised

No more eggshells have to be walked on

I can get as fat or as thin as I want without having to worry about who thinks what of my size

Don't have to worry about picking out just the right gift for major holidays and birthdays because I'll have no one to buy for except myself and I know what I like

Can sing at the top of my lungs in my living room because it's MY living room and no one else will ever be there to say I have to keep it down

Can walk around naked, in my costume or in my finest gown because again, who's gonna care?

Snuggling? I can curl up against my couch, it works just fine

As far as the libido goes and kissing, well, nothing in life is perfect, so that I'll just have to deal with, suck it up and rough it.

In 5 years, I can get the heck outta Dodge and no one is going to be there to have to discuss it or have a problem with it, all I will have to do is pack and pick a spot on the map

Nobody will be there to abuse, criticize, belittle or discourage me

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Nope, I've found that it helps you forget all the non-single crap you miss. The longer you're single the better you deal with it, maybe it's the key to happiness, who knows? Maybe THAT's what I've over-looked. I've been listening to that line 'better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' to which I say BULL!

Bitter? Maybe. Hurt? more than likely. Angry? Yeah, but only at myself for falling into the commercialized trap of being a couple equals happiness and sharing your life with someone is better than spending it alone. I think it was all thought up by someone who fell for it and is now trapped in it so, misery loving company, decided to drag everyone who was single into the same pit of quick sand.

Too much reality for ya? Well, I am tired of having to mind my p's and q's to make everyone esle happy, so if this all comes across as harsh, oh well. Yep, single life is great and once I fully adapt, I'll be just peachy :) The only sure-fire way of protecting your heart from getting ripped apart is to bottle it up and stick it on a shelf. Having fun is fine. Loving? That's risky business. I don't have enough heart to gamble with anymore, so I'm taking the easy way out and saying screw it, single is the way to go!

**The above was written under the influence of the pain and suffering of a heart, which has the side effect of spouting out anger

Heavy Subjects

I met this wonderful man who thought I was pretty okay as well. One problem...I was too heavy for him to be 100% attracted to me. I can understand not being the right size for someone's style, I myself wouldn't want to date someone who was of a certain size. But I can't wrap my brain around why something so superficial would be the only reason I wasn't deemed 'the one'. I mean, it's not like I'm obese. Two kids, a bad divorce and lots of depression later, yeah, I've packed on some extra weight. But that can be changed, and even Barbie doll's don't stay perfect 10s forever. My internal maek-up is something that's permanent which was fine, I guess. Although as usual, it wasn't good enough...story of my life- too good for this person, not good enough for that one.

Now I'm not happy with my weight. NOT because of him, I was unhappy about it for a long time before I even met him. I just lacked the motivation...incentive. That's one thing about people-pleasers such as myself...we thrive on encouragement and can't live without aiming to please someone. Our self-worth is pretty screwed up. We feel only as worthy as others see us. That's why I became so determined to stick to a diet and exercise plan. I felt I was given a reason to, a person to please. I know everyone will tell you that anything you try to overcome has to be solely for yourself for it to work. I beg to differ. People pleasers are a different breed. We HAVE to know that in the end, we've made someone happy. Without anyone to please, we will fail, we feel as though it's pointless because it only benefits ourselves, which to us just isn't a good reason. We are here to please others, to help others and to make others happy. It's just not in us to do it for ourselves. We're just not that selfish and no matter how hard we try, we can't put ourselves first without feeling guilty and selfish, whatever we do has GOT to help someone else or make someone else happy.

I was giving this alot of thought ever since the weight was explained to me as an issue. I looked back on all the times I have been very slim (aside from being built that way in my younger days) I did it to fix relationships, to make someone happy. Seeing that I had pleased someone else, in turn was what it took for ME to be happy. Once that someone was no longer in the picture, I viewed it as a serious failure and without conciously realizing it, I began to pack on pounds. Throughout my years in a relationship my weight was always determined by who I was with or who I wanted to get away from. I don't think I can help it. Granted, I'll never be huge, but there's just enough tip in the scales to matter. (The pictures I posted in this blog I took about an hour ago)

I know that doing my video clips as Wonder Woman, being skinnier would make me more money, but now that I have no one to shoot the clips or be in them with me, my loosing weight for that is pointless too. So seriously, what's the draw? Where's the incentive? The fact that I MIGHT meet someone and have them be attracted to my body? Please! That's more of a gamble than me actually trying to please who I'm with (or was with, as the case may be) At the same time, I'm being told that someone wanting me to be thinner for them to like me is uninportant, yet that's the reason they don't like me now/ I'm confused! I'm being told that if I loose the weight, then they might like me then. I say BULL! I am beginning to believe that it isn't my weight that's truly an issue with them, it's THEM! They had to find some reason to push me away, so my weight was what they picked. I will bet good money that even if I lost the weight, they'd find something else wrong simply because they aren't ready for a relationship. THAT is what it boils down to. Not my weight or anything else. I will be bold enough to say that I AM a decent person and I HAVE a decent body (though not perfect) and by simply nit-picking and pushing me away AFTER I've developed feelings for them because they aren't ready to step out of the single zone is ridiculous.

I have come to believe that if you tell someone you are stopping the relationship now, "before anyone gets hurt", it's too late, at least one of you will be hurt regardless. It's usually me. I put myself out there, share things about myself and end up getting hurt. Oh joy, what a suprise. You would think I would have learned by now, but hope foolishly springs eternal.

I've just got to learn to suck it up and do without. I just wish my next several years would pick up the pace and fly by. I really need to get away from everyone. Clarksville just isn't working for me. I need to relocate to some remote place, get a job and small place that's cheap and live out my life alone....thin, fat, whatever. There will be no one to work towards making happy so maybe.... just maybe... I'LL learn how to be happy on my own, even though my make up is totally against that. If not....well, I'll stay just as I am...alone, searching for someone to make happy, so I can be happy too :)

Toll Bridges

I know I've been MIA for a while, just over a month to be exact. It's been crazy busy here, what with school starting and relationships failing. Lots going on, that's for sure. Of course, for you handful of readers, it's given me tons to focus on and put onto my computer screen :)

My main theme that seems to find itself into all of my blogs, is my relationships (or lack there of). The matters of my heart are always first and foremost on my mind when I thing of blogging and that's quite an accomplishment seeing as though over the years, my heart has been chopped and diced down to such a little piece.

I learned something today.....I'm a great girl next door. Really sweet, non-materialistic, caring and fun to be with. Not super hard on the eyes, although I'm not a total Barbie Doll or anything. I try so hard to please everyone else and sometimes I even lose myself in the process. But let me get upset or angry and the guys who have promised friendship immediately turn on me.

Why is that? Am I not allowed to get upset at anything? Is that honestly fair? Is that truly friendship when one has to bottle up dissappointment or hurt? Anger or being let down? I always thought being a true friend was being someone you could vent too, could be upfront and honest with. When did the rules for friendship change? I must have missed the memo on that one.

Twice this year, I've had guys whom I had believed to be trusting friends, guys I've loved and believed in....counted on even, just completely turn on me because I got upset and somewhat lashed out. (Not to the extreme, but voiced my discontent) Is this really how friendship works nowadays?

I've learned the hard way....several times over.... that you can't count on anyone but yourself. I love the idea of building bridges to others, having friends and relationships, but you have to guard your heart so much more closely. You have to build toll bridges....reaching out to others but requiring a toll of sorts from them before you trust them all out with your heart. Otherwise, your bridge not only risks getting burnt, but you do as well.

So what happens now? I have no idea. I just have to pick up the pieces...again...and move on. I'll shove all those feelings in another bottle (I have quite a collection) and try to go back to before those guys were even in my life. It's painfully obvious that it's what they've done, so why should I try to fix everything? It's an extreme rarity for any man to admit that they are just as much at fault for the burning as I am. I've learned that several times over and through my experience, it's never really happened. They just up and leave, blaming the woman. If that's the way it's gotta be, then fine. I'm tired of always being the door mat, the one that cleans up the mess and smoothes over everything. I was JUST as hurt as they were, maybe even more so and I'm done. I'll woman up and admit I was wrong...apologize and everything, but only if they have the guts to do the same. Men are suppose to be the stronger of the genders, so I'll leave it to them to go first. It's that's just too much to ask, then ok, fine. I guess they'll have to walk away and become part of my painful past, but not my future.

As painful as this all is....this too, will pass

Waiting......

All of us have to wait. It's inevitable, a fact of life and we hate it. There's a saying...waiting for your ship to come in. What if it nevers does? I believe I'm in that spot. I've waited all my life to be truly happy and I think I missed it, maybe I should've been at the airport instead of the dock?

When you're young you can't wait (although you have to) to grow up and get started with your life. Whether it be college, a career, a family, traveling....whatever. Once we do graduate, we enter college or the work force but say we can't wait until we're successful (whatever THAT means). Then there's how we can't wait to do this or go there or have that. Pretty soon, before we know it, we've waited for all of these things and they never happened. Maybe some of them did, but we were so busy waiting for something else that we missed the fact that we got something that we had wanted earlier.

I've always been a dreamer, I couldn't help it, still can't in fact, it's part of my nature. I dream of big things. I build things up in my mind to a point where when the reality of that happening happens, it's smaller than my imagined version, therefore I don't realize that particular ship came in.

I ended up dreaming my life away. Never being satisfied with where I was in time, always wanting more and better. Maybe that's why my marriage crumbled. Silly me, I wanted a family man who loved me and loved being with me, wanted to go places with me and my son as a family, do things as a family and so forth. I just wasn't content being a stay-at-home mom and not going anywhere except by myself (along with my son, but not my husband). I got tired of waiting so I left. I figured he wouldn't notice, he ignored me anyway, he was so absorbed in his own self and his online ladies.

He noticed, but just enough to punish me for it. So now here I am, trapped in Clarksville, a divorcee with a son (well, half the time anyway). No money, little social life and a broken heart. I've tried my best to put him behind me, to try new things and date. The new things are ok, sometimes I even have fun, but it's still just me, as a single, so inside I still have that emptiness and lonliness, a void where I want so desperately to have someone there. The dates I've been on, I go on with such high hopes and then leave the date thinking 'no chemistry' or sometimes elated because I did have chemistry with them and they promise to call, but don't. That makes me down, feeling worse than I did before I even tried.

Why I even bothered, I'll never know. I put my heart (or at least what's left of it) out there on the line and where does it get me? I end up getting trampled all over. My heart has really been through the ringer this past year and I've just had enough! However, hope springs eternal so I will more than lukely stand up, brush myself off, pick up my mangled heart and wait. After all, good things come to those who wait, right? I'll have to wait and see

Letting Go

We all hang onto things...sometimes relationships....much longer than we should. That emotional baggage that builds up inside can be truly crippling at times, weigh us down and stop us from doing what's best. I happen to be somewhat of an expert on this, I am an emotional packrat. I know I should do massive spring cleaning in my life, but knowing and doing are two seperate things entirely.

I stayed in an emotionally unhealthy relationship for well over a decade because I simply couldn't bring myself to let go. Fear of the unknown, the being outside my comfort zone, kept me from taking that giant leap of faith. Even now, I still cling onto it in some ways. I finally gathered the guts to leave the relationship, but it's scarring has held my heart prisoner ever since.

I let it's memory of everything bad about a relationship influence my next relationship. I am a very open person, yet still hold my heart very close, keeping it guarded. I'm flexible, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I fear change, I fear rejection and those fears hold me back from loving someone all out. I can't count the times I wanted to do things or say things that would show how much I cared, but the fear held me back from acting on it.

Maybe deep inside I knew that it would never work out, so in some way thought why try? I'd just be setting myself up for even more heartache when the time for good-bye came around. Or maybe it was simply because the spark just wasn't big enough. I know I still think back on things I could have done better. How foolish I was to ever think that a true spark or that pure happy energy you feel simply by sitting next to someone would even be possible decades after the intense 'schoolgirl crushes'. But I've come to realize that it is possible to feel that way no matter what your age, you just have to let go and allow yourself to be swept away by that energy. For a long time now, I swore that I just wasn't anyone's 'forever girl', that I was more of a 'she'll do for now' type. I'm beginning to understand that since that's how I thought of myself, that's how others saw me. So, here's to letting go. May it help me find that spark and fan the little flame so it can become a raging emotional fire that warms my heart and the heart of the one I find :)

Happy Birthday John!!

Every woman has her favorite actor, who usually doubles are her dream guy and is on her "list". Mine is John Cusack. I mean come on, he's perfect! Tall, trim, sweet, handsome, talented, down-to-earth, family-oriented, black belt in kickboxing, need I go on? I've seen almost all his movies, own a lot of them and everyone of them I'll watch, dreaming of being his leading lady.

Well, today is his 43rd birthday, so I just wanted to say a big Happy Birthday John!! Keep those wonderful movies coming and maybe one day, I'll get to meet you in person :)

28 Days

I saw an older Sandra Bullock movie last night, 28 Days. Sandra portrays a writer with an addiction to several 'poisons' but the most prominent was alcohol. She shows up to her sisters wedding drunk and ends up smashing the wedding cake and then after borrowing the limo, crashes it through the front window of a local living room. She's sentenced to 28 days of rehab, it's that or jail time. In that 28 days, she makes a complete turn around in her way of thinking (and living), overcoming some pretty rough days while she dries out. Naturally, it got me thinkng....

I'm not an addict of anything, well, at least not of anything illegal. I do have a problem with motivation though. That lack of motivation coupled with my ever-increasing age has lead to major poundage in the lower mid section. I'm now completely repulsed by my reflection and find myself scrambling to find something that covers up the buldge. I weighed myself tonight and almost fainted by what the scale said.....178 pounds! I haven't been this heavy in years! In a small defense, I will say that recently I have started eating several times a day since I have heard for years that when you rarely eat, you body goes into a starvation mode and tends to hang on to every calorie you consume. When you DO start eating normal amounts of food, you body, still believing it's got to hang onto every calorie DOES. The result? More weight and an increasing urge to eat, lol. Since I refuse to go out and buy bigger clothes to cover up the pooch and look uncomfortably stuffed into the clothes that I have now, something's GOT to change.

I'm giving myself an 28 day challenge......28 days, 28 minutes a day being very active and (hopefully) 28 pounds to shed. That will bring me down to an even 150, which for someone who's 5'10" is a good weight to reach. It also happens that '28' is my favorite number, so we shall see :)
Let the losing begin!!

Do Bears Bare? Do Bees Be?

Anyone who grew up during the 80's may remember this phrase, it was probably the first time you'd remember seeing the famous Bruce Willis and with a great head of hair! He and Cybil Shepard bantered back and forth every Monday night for several years in the popular tv series 'Moonlighting'. I was a huge fan of the show and recently, a favorite of my son's. We've been watching the tv series this week and boy has it brought back memories!

From the pilot episode, I was in love with Bruce Willis. He was footloose and fancy free, funny, caring and stubborn, lol He made me laugh all the time and I've never dropped him from my 'list'. Two main memories come back to me with Moonlighting.....a guy in my theatre class and a guy in band with me. The theatre guy and I were great friends and we both loved Moonlighting. We could bicker and banter back and forth at the same time (for fun) just like David and Maddie. We'd always end simultaniously, both saying "Understand?.....GOOD!" lol

The guy from band was like David in the way that his family's 'class' and mine were way different. He came from 'the wrong side of the tracks' and even though my parents were always very accepting of others no matter what, this guy made them hold certain reservations. For the longest time, I thought he hated me. He picked on my, made fun of me and made my first year or two pure hell at that school. Then it came to pass that he actually really liked me and we ended up being really good friends.

Lots of memories come up simply by watching an old tv show. Not only is it still entertaining, but it will always have an extra specialness for me.....memories :)

Lockdown

I have voluntarily put my heart on lockdown. Solitary confinement for an indefinate period of time. After the break up of my last boyfriend, and the dust of anger had settled, I still clung onto the hope that we had a future together and that he would come to see that. Of course, I did that with my ex-husband and instead of wanting me back, he just went out and married someone else. It was a crushing blow to know that you weren't worth it. Well, it's happened again (he didn't get married, but came to the conclusion that saying goodbye was the answer). It hurts, quite a bit in fact, but what can you do aside from duct tape him to a chair? They say that 3rd times a charm, I say I'm just setting myself up again. I even deleted the personal ads I had online, I need to take a break and heal. Either way, I'm too old for babies, to average to be arm candy and have little to offer anyone, so why wear out what's left of my heart on short-term relationships? I don't need anyone to help me pick out movies or to eat out with me, I can do those things by myself, have been for years. Vacations? Been there done THAT myself too. Would be nice to share that experience sure, but I'm perfectly capable of doing it alone. I buy my own flowers, treat myself to little items to show how thoughtful I am and enjoy taking myself out for a margarita anytime I want. The best part is that I won't ever wake up to me telling myself "It's over, I'll leaving". See? I'll be just fine. Now, Me, Myself and I are going to go start planning our vacation.....