All I Want for Christmas.....

Well, it's been a silent night here at my place, just me and my dogs this year. Since my son is with his father this year for the holidays, my family had their Christmas early. We ventured our way to Florida, along with my boyfriend and his daughter. My mom brought my son and I back since my boyfriend always stays in Florida for 2 weeks. I would have loved to stay as well, but since my son had to fly out to Texas to be with my ex's new family, we had to come back early. It is a tad lonely, but not because it's Christmas, simply because I'm all alone....and sick, yuck! Santa gave me the flu for this Christmas, lucky me.

So...it's just me, my dogs and a strong Holiday mudslide, watching movies. It gives me a chance to write on my sorely neglected blog, lol and reflect. Both of us can truly see what we mean to each other, being apart for over a week, which is the longest we've done so since we met in August.

I've surprised myself. Even though I honestly wanted to be in love, I didn't think I would ever get that chance until he came along. With every passing day, I find myself more and more in love with him. He's not perfect...nobody is, but he comes REALLY close. What surprises me the most is that the 'newness' hasn't worn off yet. I still have that "I can't WAIT to see him again" feeling. Whether it's knowing he's at work or that he's with his family in Florida. When he does come home, I'm ecstatic. He talks to me...not just a few quick things about work or what we want for dinner, but truly talks to me. I've never had that. My ex and I never could just shoot the breeze and that's one thing I deeply missed. Just being with him makes me extremely happy. He listens to me, my son loves him to death, which is huge, and he cares for my well-being.

As we slowly integrate our lives, we are able to communicate very well. We have the same ideas of what a relationship should be and that's refreshing. We're both really big on quality time and will spend hours playing Scrabble or doing things together. I love that! We both have quality time as our love language, which is one of the reasons we get along so well. We can even effectively communicate and discuss things rather than fly off the handle if we disagree on something or if we have a problem with something.

I have finally found a man I can always trust to be there for me and look out for me, to love me and hold me. I am finally very happy and so grateful that we found each other. And to think, it only took 39 years! I really hope everything works out for us and truly believe it will. It's been five months since we've met, so it's still a new relationship, but reflecting back on previous relationships, I've never even come close to what I have with him and I hope that 'newness' excitement never does wear off. If I could have one wish for this Christmas, it would be to be with him :) But I know that isn't possible this year. I just take comfort in the thought that we will have many Christmases to spend together, so what's just this one? We'll have the rest of our lives together, hopefully, and I can't wait!

Ponody's Nerfect

As usual, I've been reflecting on my recent past. This year I had started out with the hope that it was going to be a banner year for me, not 3 weeks into 2010, everything crashed. I've been trying to get up and dust myself off for 9 months now and everytime I do, somebody pushes me back down. I'm thinking I should lay low until January 1st 2011, lol.
I've come to know Clarksville as Limbo...that's how I feel anyway. I'm in this treading water situation that I just can't get out of no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try. I've tried so hard to rise above it and carry on, but let's face it, my heart just isn't in it. I'm trapped here until I'm 44...44! Even though my life is on hold, the aging process sure isn't! All I want is to find someone who will actually love me for the rest of my life and whom I can love back just as much. Out of everything in the world, that's all I want, but I have come to realize that it's asking too much. I've met a couple guys this year that I truly believe I could have loved and every one of them only lasted under a month. most vanished without a trace, a couple were kind enough to email or call with their 'why we weren't going to work' excuses and THEN vanish. I think my proble, is that I'm too picky....I only am interested in men who are, in every sense of the word, too good for me. Then I sit around stupidly thinking "What happened? What'd I do wrong?" Well DUH! A heart of gold doesn't count for much when it's stacked against the image and all-mighty looks factor. It's not that I'm angry at them for thinking such, I mean, I'm the same way, so I understand. So once again, here I sit in Borders on a Saturday night, staring into the sunset thinking "what if..."
I watched the movie 'The Holiday' several times today. I love that movie! I can SO identify with the characters. It always makes me laugh and cry. Some times it leaves me thinking "Yeah, THAT ending is Hollywood, that'll never happen in real life, at least not mine" and then there's the rare times I watch the credits with new-found hope and a glimmer of "Ok, maybe it can happen to me too" The former is where I'm sitting today.
The opening monologue is beautifully done by Kate Winslet, over a series of brief character introduction scenes....

"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespear's said 'Journeys end in lovers meeting....What an extra-ordinary thought. Personally I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe that Shakespear had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I'm constantly amazed by it's sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespear who also said "Love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some, quite inexplicatively, love fades... For others, love is simply lost. But then of course, love can also be found...even if only for the night.
And then there's another kind of love. The cruelest kind. The one that almost kills it's victims. It's called "un-requited love". Of that I am an expert Most love stories are about the ones who fall in love with each other, but what about the rest of us? Yje ones who fall in love alone. We are the cursed of the loved ones, we are the un-loved ones. The walking wounded. The handicapped without the advatage of a great parking spot......"

I imagine (quite frequently, in fact) that it would feel so amazing to actually be completely in love with someone AND have them be completely in love with me. I often wonder if I have ever even been in love. I know I've never been in a relatuinship where both parties were completely and totally in love with each other. I have thought that I was in love before though. Like Iris (Kate Winslet's role in The Holiday) I was in love alone and it was the darkest time of my life. The feeling that you would do absolutely anything for them but knew that they didn't feel the same of you was crushing. There were very few guys that fell into this catagory of my life, I can list them on one hand with a finger or too left over. A couple of them, my feelings have faded, but a couple of them are still the cause for tears. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that may be true for some. For me, I think that's a bunch of crap. Absence makes feelings fade, which can be good or bad, but in my experience, it's what happens. I think that's why people run away from relationships... they realize they're headed towards loving someone and it scares them. Forever is just not everyone's bag. Usually it's the same group of people that state they don't want to 'settle', so they keep looking for something better. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Popular saying. My Dad once told me "When you find what you're looking for, STOP LOOKING. Because if you keep on looking, you'll end up losing a good thing for the gamble of something better...and it's usually not better at all." I believe that....you spend your whole life trading up and before you know it, you've traded everything you once wanted for nothing.
I know I'm not perfect...FAR from it in fact. I'm aware that I'm not some Barbie Doll with a perfect figure, dazzling smile amd flowing beautiful hair. Even though I have a lot of great things personality-wise, I still have a few flaws there as well. Even the guys I've fallen for in my past weren't perfect. I even would list their flaws out loud to talk myself out of liking them so much. Did it work? Sometimes. But more often than not, I would only reflect back on each moment that I adored them in......they're ability to act, their compassion for others, their show of affection or thoughtfulness, anytime we shared a bond or a laugh or a moment. That's what I remember. Not the fact that they had scrawny arms or smoked or was a little too short or couldn't sing. The good always out-weighed the bad and that's why I still to this day look back with fondness. Of course, since I was the one who had fallen for them, my leaving or the distance thing never really affected them. They has no idea what they lost. If they did, I would never know because my moving so much, it's not like I risk bumping into them later on in life. True a couple guys I have that risk, but in a few years down the raod, I'll move away. Luckily, in my life, that moving around a lot has been a God-send I mean seriously, I've had more addresses than most military folks! I usually look at this as a good thing. It's an escape clause in my life. When things get too heated, I bolt. Usually under the reasoning of a job relocation or a 'valid' excuse, but still, I always have the chance to leave and take it.

There's another great monologue Kate gives in 'The Holiday' that SO rings true for me...

"I understand feeling as some and insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or how many gyms you join or how many glasses of wine you drink with your girlfriends. You still go to bed at night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think that you were THAT happy. Sometimes you convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that...how every long 'all that' may be, you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who'll make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all of that fuzzy stuff...those years that you've wasted, will eventually begin to fade"

Well, it's going on 8 pm, the sunset is long gone and my butt is molded to this stiff, uncomfy chair. I went over my calorie count last night by about 200 calories, so today I've been extra good. Of course, that (and my wallet) both tell me that another night at El Bracero's is totally out of the question. So, this very single lady is gonna head to Kroger and grab some flowers for my zebra vase and a Redbox movie, go home and snuggle up with her 2 dogs on the sofa and enjoy a chick-flick.

Night all....

Heavy Subjects

I met this wonderful man who thought I was pretty okay as well. One problem...I was too heavy for him to be 100% attracted to me. I can understand not being the right size for someone's style, I myself wouldn't want to date someone who was of a certain size. But I can't wrap my brain around why something so superficial would be the only reason I wasn't deemed 'the one'. I mean, it's not like I'm obese. Two kids, a bad divorce and lots of depression later, yeah, I've packed on some extra weight. But that can be changed, and even Barbie doll's don't stay perfect 10s forever. My internal maek-up is something that's permanent which was fine, I guess. Although as usual, it wasn't good enough...story of my life- too good for this person, not good enough for that one.

Now I'm not happy with my weight. NOT because of him, I was unhappy about it for a long time before I even met him. I just lacked the motivation...incentive. That's one thing about people-pleasers such as myself...we thrive on encouragement and can't live without aiming to please someone. Our self-worth is pretty screwed up. We feel only as worthy as others see us. That's why I became so determined to stick to a diet and exercise plan. I felt I was given a reason to, a person to please. I know everyone will tell you that anything you try to overcome has to be solely for yourself for it to work. I beg to differ. People pleasers are a different breed. We HAVE to know that in the end, we've made someone happy. Without anyone to please, we will fail, we feel as though it's pointless because it only benefits ourselves, which to us just isn't a good reason. We are here to please others, to help others and to make others happy. It's just not in us to do it for ourselves. We're just not that selfish and no matter how hard we try, we can't put ourselves first without feeling guilty and selfish, whatever we do has GOT to help someone else or make someone else happy.

I was giving this alot of thought ever since the weight was explained to me as an issue. I looked back on all the times I have been very slim (aside from being built that way in my younger days) I did it to fix relationships, to make someone happy. Seeing that I had pleased someone else, in turn was what it took for ME to be happy. Once that someone was no longer in the picture, I viewed it as a serious failure and without conciously realizing it, I began to pack on pounds. Throughout my years in a relationship my weight was always determined by who I was with or who I wanted to get away from. I don't think I can help it. Granted, I'll never be huge, but there's just enough tip in the scales to matter. (The pictures I posted in this blog I took about an hour ago)

I know that doing my video clips as Wonder Woman, being skinnier would make me more money, but now that I have no one to shoot the clips or be in them with me, my loosing weight for that is pointless too. So seriously, what's the draw? Where's the incentive? The fact that I MIGHT meet someone and have them be attracted to my body? Please! That's more of a gamble than me actually trying to please who I'm with (or was with, as the case may be) At the same time, I'm being told that someone wanting me to be thinner for them to like me is uninportant, yet that's the reason they don't like me now/ I'm confused! I'm being told that if I loose the weight, then they might like me then. I say BULL! I am beginning to believe that it isn't my weight that's truly an issue with them, it's THEM! They had to find some reason to push me away, so my weight was what they picked. I will bet good money that even if I lost the weight, they'd find something else wrong simply because they aren't ready for a relationship. THAT is what it boils down to. Not my weight or anything else. I will be bold enough to say that I AM a decent person and I HAVE a decent body (though not perfect) and by simply nit-picking and pushing me away AFTER I've developed feelings for them because they aren't ready to step out of the single zone is ridiculous.

I have come to believe that if you tell someone you are stopping the relationship now, "before anyone gets hurt", it's too late, at least one of you will be hurt regardless. It's usually me. I put myself out there, share things about myself and end up getting hurt. Oh joy, what a suprise. You would think I would have learned by now, but hope foolishly springs eternal.

I've just got to learn to suck it up and do without. I just wish my next several years would pick up the pace and fly by. I really need to get away from everyone. Clarksville just isn't working for me. I need to relocate to some remote place, get a job and small place that's cheap and live out my life alone....thin, fat, whatever. There will be no one to work towards making happy so maybe.... just maybe... I'LL learn how to be happy on my own, even though my make up is totally against that. If not....well, I'll stay just as I am...alone, searching for someone to make happy, so I can be happy too :)

Toll Bridges

I know I've been MIA for a while, just over a month to be exact. It's been crazy busy here, what with school starting and relationships failing. Lots going on, that's for sure. Of course, for you handful of readers, it's given me tons to focus on and put onto my computer screen :)

My main theme that seems to find itself into all of my blogs, is my relationships (or lack there of). The matters of my heart are always first and foremost on my mind when I thing of blogging and that's quite an accomplishment seeing as though over the years, my heart has been chopped and diced down to such a little piece.

I learned something today.....I'm a great girl next door. Really sweet, non-materialistic, caring and fun to be with. Not super hard on the eyes, although I'm not a total Barbie Doll or anything. I try so hard to please everyone else and sometimes I even lose myself in the process. But let me get upset or angry and the guys who have promised friendship immediately turn on me.

Why is that? Am I not allowed to get upset at anything? Is that honestly fair? Is that truly friendship when one has to bottle up dissappointment or hurt? Anger or being let down? I always thought being a true friend was being someone you could vent too, could be upfront and honest with. When did the rules for friendship change? I must have missed the memo on that one.

Twice this year, I've had guys whom I had believed to be trusting friends, guys I've loved and believed in....counted on even, just completely turn on me because I got upset and somewhat lashed out. (Not to the extreme, but voiced my discontent) Is this really how friendship works nowadays?

I've learned the hard way....several times over.... that you can't count on anyone but yourself. I love the idea of building bridges to others, having friends and relationships, but you have to guard your heart so much more closely. You have to build toll bridges....reaching out to others but requiring a toll of sorts from them before you trust them all out with your heart. Otherwise, your bridge not only risks getting burnt, but you do as well.

So what happens now? I have no idea. I just have to pick up the pieces...again...and move on. I'll shove all those feelings in another bottle (I have quite a collection) and try to go back to before those guys were even in my life. It's painfully obvious that it's what they've done, so why should I try to fix everything? It's an extreme rarity for any man to admit that they are just as much at fault for the burning as I am. I've learned that several times over and through my experience, it's never really happened. They just up and leave, blaming the woman. If that's the way it's gotta be, then fine. I'm tired of always being the door mat, the one that cleans up the mess and smoothes over everything. I was JUST as hurt as they were, maybe even more so and I'm done. I'll woman up and admit I was wrong...apologize and everything, but only if they have the guts to do the same. Men are suppose to be the stronger of the genders, so I'll leave it to them to go first. It's that's just too much to ask, then ok, fine. I guess they'll have to walk away and become part of my painful past, but not my future.

As painful as this all is....this too, will pass

Letting Go

We all hang onto things...sometimes relationships....much longer than we should. That emotional baggage that builds up inside can be truly crippling at times, weigh us down and stop us from doing what's best. I happen to be somewhat of an expert on this, I am an emotional packrat. I know I should do massive spring cleaning in my life, but knowing and doing are two seperate things entirely.

I stayed in an emotionally unhealthy relationship for well over a decade because I simply couldn't bring myself to let go. Fear of the unknown, the being outside my comfort zone, kept me from taking that giant leap of faith. Even now, I still cling onto it in some ways. I finally gathered the guts to leave the relationship, but it's scarring has held my heart prisoner ever since.

I let it's memory of everything bad about a relationship influence my next relationship. I am a very open person, yet still hold my heart very close, keeping it guarded. I'm flexible, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I fear change, I fear rejection and those fears hold me back from loving someone all out. I can't count the times I wanted to do things or say things that would show how much I cared, but the fear held me back from acting on it.

Maybe deep inside I knew that it would never work out, so in some way thought why try? I'd just be setting myself up for even more heartache when the time for good-bye came around. Or maybe it was simply because the spark just wasn't big enough. I know I still think back on things I could have done better. How foolish I was to ever think that a true spark or that pure happy energy you feel simply by sitting next to someone would even be possible decades after the intense 'schoolgirl crushes'. But I've come to realize that it is possible to feel that way no matter what your age, you just have to let go and allow yourself to be swept away by that energy. For a long time now, I swore that I just wasn't anyone's 'forever girl', that I was more of a 'she'll do for now' type. I'm beginning to understand that since that's how I thought of myself, that's how others saw me. So, here's to letting go. May it help me find that spark and fan the little flame so it can become a raging emotional fire that warms my heart and the heart of the one I find :)

Little Things

Today, to escape the loudness and craziness of my household, I went to Kroger's. Not your usual vacation destination, in fact, it too, was crowded. I guess everyone had the same idea as I did. I picked up a single serving of Italian Cream cake (ok, it had 2 pieces, but I'm the only one eating it and I'm single, lol) and some roses. Yep, I bought myself roses, bridal white ones. I gave every bunch the whiff test and the bridal white ones smelled the best. Never bought myself roses before, but I figured that zebra-striped vase that my parents got me for my birthday was too pretty to just stick under the sink because I didn't have any flowers to put in there. Let's face it, the vase ain't gonna fill itself! Naturally, it got me thinking...

I remember that the grooms cake at my wedding was Italian Cream. My bouquet was made up of red, purple and bridal white roses. My wedding was, from the outside, a fairytale wedding. It took place in a victorian mansion, the grooms tux reminded you of what they wore in that same era and my dress was beautiful, straight out of a Cinderella story, complete with clear shoes. I was being married by my father-in-law, to the man I fell for at first sight. What could be more perfect?

The inside story was so full of red flags, you would have thought you were in a Chinese airport. I was exhausted and it showed, so I had to use theatrical make-up to make myself look alive. My maid of honor had got word that her 16 yr old sister had run away, so she was extremely upset and so late that we barely had time to shoot pictures with just the girls. The cake showed up made entirely wrong, so they had to send out a decorator to fix it last minute. The box with the rings vanished, they were found moments before the ceremony. (Oh, and since they made my ring wrong, it didn't match the grooms ring at all, I was actually married in a 'rental ring'). I paid for a cascading bouquet, it showed up and it was not cascading. The limo was suppose to be white, it was black.

But I overlooked all of that, because I truly believed that I was marrying the man meant for me. There were signs before and after the wedding too, signs I should have paid closer attention too. Deep in my mind, this little voice was screaming at me, telling me no, but I thought I knew best. I think I chose to ignore it, chose to hold all hope, because I wanted the relationship more than I wanted the groom. It was the idea of finally growing up, of having someone who loved me and who would be there for me, be my best friend.

Even though he turned out to be this self-centered, lying alcoholic, he did have his moments. I remember he bought me this pen he saw at the gas station. It was a heavy, ornate pen that had a little enamel dolphin on the top. We had very little money, so the $4 was a lot, but he bought it for me because when he saw it, he remembered I loved dolphins and it would make me happy. Every once in a while, he'd come home with a dozen roses too. No occassion (and I don't know if it was to clear his concious or what) but I love roses and he would do it 'just because'. That's always the best reason to give anyone anything...just because. It's a token of love and appreciation.

We've been divorced now for almost 3 years. He's been remarried for almost 2 years and even though I hate what he did to me and my son, every once in a while he does something to make me wonder. Probably to string me along or just twist the knife a little deeper into my heart, who knows? Last Friday, when I dropped my son off, he suprised me with a jar of spaghetti sauce. I know, most people would laugh at the thought and that's ok. This was Mids brand, which up until about a year ago was only available in a small area of Ohio. I grew up on it, it's awesome and I always raved about it. He remembered that and bought me a jar. It was the sweetest thing he's done for me in years, which now of course, raises my curiosity as to why? The dolphin broke off the pen years and years ago and the pen ran out of ink. But you know what? I still have it. Those little things mean a lot and they always will.

Night all!