Ponody's Nerfect

As usual, I've been reflecting on my recent past. This year I had started out with the hope that it was going to be a banner year for me, not 3 weeks into 2010, everything crashed. I've been trying to get up and dust myself off for 9 months now and everytime I do, somebody pushes me back down. I'm thinking I should lay low until January 1st 2011, lol.
I've come to know Clarksville as Limbo...that's how I feel anyway. I'm in this treading water situation that I just can't get out of no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try. I've tried so hard to rise above it and carry on, but let's face it, my heart just isn't in it. I'm trapped here until I'm 44...44! Even though my life is on hold, the aging process sure isn't! All I want is to find someone who will actually love me for the rest of my life and whom I can love back just as much. Out of everything in the world, that's all I want, but I have come to realize that it's asking too much. I've met a couple guys this year that I truly believe I could have loved and every one of them only lasted under a month. most vanished without a trace, a couple were kind enough to email or call with their 'why we weren't going to work' excuses and THEN vanish. I think my proble, is that I'm too picky....I only am interested in men who are, in every sense of the word, too good for me. Then I sit around stupidly thinking "What happened? What'd I do wrong?" Well DUH! A heart of gold doesn't count for much when it's stacked against the image and all-mighty looks factor. It's not that I'm angry at them for thinking such, I mean, I'm the same way, so I understand. So once again, here I sit in Borders on a Saturday night, staring into the sunset thinking "what if..."
I watched the movie 'The Holiday' several times today. I love that movie! I can SO identify with the characters. It always makes me laugh and cry. Some times it leaves me thinking "Yeah, THAT ending is Hollywood, that'll never happen in real life, at least not mine" and then there's the rare times I watch the credits with new-found hope and a glimmer of "Ok, maybe it can happen to me too" The former is where I'm sitting today.
The opening monologue is beautifully done by Kate Winslet, over a series of brief character introduction scenes....

"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespear's said 'Journeys end in lovers meeting....What an extra-ordinary thought. Personally I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe that Shakespear had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I'm constantly amazed by it's sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespear who also said "Love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some, quite inexplicatively, love fades... For others, love is simply lost. But then of course, love can also be found...even if only for the night.
And then there's another kind of love. The cruelest kind. The one that almost kills it's victims. It's called "un-requited love". Of that I am an expert Most love stories are about the ones who fall in love with each other, but what about the rest of us? Yje ones who fall in love alone. We are the cursed of the loved ones, we are the un-loved ones. The walking wounded. The handicapped without the advatage of a great parking spot......"

I imagine (quite frequently, in fact) that it would feel so amazing to actually be completely in love with someone AND have them be completely in love with me. I often wonder if I have ever even been in love. I know I've never been in a relatuinship where both parties were completely and totally in love with each other. I have thought that I was in love before though. Like Iris (Kate Winslet's role in The Holiday) I was in love alone and it was the darkest time of my life. The feeling that you would do absolutely anything for them but knew that they didn't feel the same of you was crushing. There were very few guys that fell into this catagory of my life, I can list them on one hand with a finger or too left over. A couple of them, my feelings have faded, but a couple of them are still the cause for tears. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and that may be true for some. For me, I think that's a bunch of crap. Absence makes feelings fade, which can be good or bad, but in my experience, it's what happens. I think that's why people run away from relationships... they realize they're headed towards loving someone and it scares them. Forever is just not everyone's bag. Usually it's the same group of people that state they don't want to 'settle', so they keep looking for something better. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Popular saying. My Dad once told me "When you find what you're looking for, STOP LOOKING. Because if you keep on looking, you'll end up losing a good thing for the gamble of something better...and it's usually not better at all." I believe that....you spend your whole life trading up and before you know it, you've traded everything you once wanted for nothing.
I know I'm not perfect...FAR from it in fact. I'm aware that I'm not some Barbie Doll with a perfect figure, dazzling smile amd flowing beautiful hair. Even though I have a lot of great things personality-wise, I still have a few flaws there as well. Even the guys I've fallen for in my past weren't perfect. I even would list their flaws out loud to talk myself out of liking them so much. Did it work? Sometimes. But more often than not, I would only reflect back on each moment that I adored them in......they're ability to act, their compassion for others, their show of affection or thoughtfulness, anytime we shared a bond or a laugh or a moment. That's what I remember. Not the fact that they had scrawny arms or smoked or was a little too short or couldn't sing. The good always out-weighed the bad and that's why I still to this day look back with fondness. Of course, since I was the one who had fallen for them, my leaving or the distance thing never really affected them. They has no idea what they lost. If they did, I would never know because my moving so much, it's not like I risk bumping into them later on in life. True a couple guys I have that risk, but in a few years down the raod, I'll move away. Luckily, in my life, that moving around a lot has been a God-send I mean seriously, I've had more addresses than most military folks! I usually look at this as a good thing. It's an escape clause in my life. When things get too heated, I bolt. Usually under the reasoning of a job relocation or a 'valid' excuse, but still, I always have the chance to leave and take it.

There's another great monologue Kate gives in 'The Holiday' that SO rings true for me...

"I understand feeling as some and insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get or how many gyms you join or how many glasses of wine you drink with your girlfriends. You still go to bed at night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think that you were THAT happy. Sometimes you convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that...how every long 'all that' may be, you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who'll make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all of that fuzzy stuff...those years that you've wasted, will eventually begin to fade"

Well, it's going on 8 pm, the sunset is long gone and my butt is molded to this stiff, uncomfy chair. I went over my calorie count last night by about 200 calories, so today I've been extra good. Of course, that (and my wallet) both tell me that another night at El Bracero's is totally out of the question. So, this very single lady is gonna head to Kroger and grab some flowers for my zebra vase and a Redbox movie, go home and snuggle up with her 2 dogs on the sofa and enjoy a chick-flick.

Night all....

The End

So it was recently brought to my attention that maybe I should please myself first and not worry so much about everyone else. In my recent experiences, I can't seem to please anyone and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. I know I have to stop and I know the people pleasing is an addiction with me. This year, I have dated more than ever before in my whole life and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere at all. If anything, it's made me feel horrible and hopeless. So I quit. I am officially turning my back towards the dating world and saying screw it!

Yeah, finding that mythical creature deemed as my perfect mate is a dream of mine, but seriously, I think it's just that...a dream. I have come to the conclusion that it's just not meant to be for me. If a person wrecks car after car after car, you would begin to wonder about their driving. I've wrecked relationship after relationship after relationship and even though it's never my intention, it just happens. I'm sick of it. I HATE feeling this way, so I'm done.

I'm walking away while I still can. Yeah it sucks to know that it's gonna be a lonely decade or so, but I look at it this way...

I no longer have to worry about pleasing anyone

I can come and go as I please, not having to check in, ask permission or feel guilty

No more false hopes get raised

No more eggshells have to be walked on

I can get as fat or as thin as I want without having to worry about who thinks what of my size

Don't have to worry about picking out just the right gift for major holidays and birthdays because I'll have no one to buy for except myself and I know what I like

Can sing at the top of my lungs in my living room because it's MY living room and no one else will ever be there to say I have to keep it down

Can walk around naked, in my costume or in my finest gown because again, who's gonna care?

Snuggling? I can curl up against my couch, it works just fine

As far as the libido goes and kissing, well, nothing in life is perfect, so that I'll just have to deal with, suck it up and rough it.

In 5 years, I can get the heck outta Dodge and no one is going to be there to have to discuss it or have a problem with it, all I will have to do is pack and pick a spot on the map

Nobody will be there to abuse, criticize, belittle or discourage me

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Nope, I've found that it helps you forget all the non-single crap you miss. The longer you're single the better you deal with it, maybe it's the key to happiness, who knows? Maybe THAT's what I've over-looked. I've been listening to that line 'better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' to which I say BULL!

Bitter? Maybe. Hurt? more than likely. Angry? Yeah, but only at myself for falling into the commercialized trap of being a couple equals happiness and sharing your life with someone is better than spending it alone. I think it was all thought up by someone who fell for it and is now trapped in it so, misery loving company, decided to drag everyone who was single into the same pit of quick sand.

Too much reality for ya? Well, I am tired of having to mind my p's and q's to make everyone esle happy, so if this all comes across as harsh, oh well. Yep, single life is great and once I fully adapt, I'll be just peachy :) The only sure-fire way of protecting your heart from getting ripped apart is to bottle it up and stick it on a shelf. Having fun is fine. Loving? That's risky business. I don't have enough heart to gamble with anymore, so I'm taking the easy way out and saying screw it, single is the way to go!

**The above was written under the influence of the pain and suffering of a heart, which has the side effect of spouting out anger