The End

So it was recently brought to my attention that maybe I should please myself first and not worry so much about everyone else. In my recent experiences, I can't seem to please anyone and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. I know I have to stop and I know the people pleasing is an addiction with me. This year, I have dated more than ever before in my whole life and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere at all. If anything, it's made me feel horrible and hopeless. So I quit. I am officially turning my back towards the dating world and saying screw it!

Yeah, finding that mythical creature deemed as my perfect mate is a dream of mine, but seriously, I think it's just that...a dream. I have come to the conclusion that it's just not meant to be for me. If a person wrecks car after car after car, you would begin to wonder about their driving. I've wrecked relationship after relationship after relationship and even though it's never my intention, it just happens. I'm sick of it. I HATE feeling this way, so I'm done.

I'm walking away while I still can. Yeah it sucks to know that it's gonna be a lonely decade or so, but I look at it this way...

I no longer have to worry about pleasing anyone

I can come and go as I please, not having to check in, ask permission or feel guilty

No more false hopes get raised

No more eggshells have to be walked on

I can get as fat or as thin as I want without having to worry about who thinks what of my size

Don't have to worry about picking out just the right gift for major holidays and birthdays because I'll have no one to buy for except myself and I know what I like

Can sing at the top of my lungs in my living room because it's MY living room and no one else will ever be there to say I have to keep it down

Can walk around naked, in my costume or in my finest gown because again, who's gonna care?

Snuggling? I can curl up against my couch, it works just fine

As far as the libido goes and kissing, well, nothing in life is perfect, so that I'll just have to deal with, suck it up and rough it.

In 5 years, I can get the heck outta Dodge and no one is going to be there to have to discuss it or have a problem with it, all I will have to do is pack and pick a spot on the map

Nobody will be there to abuse, criticize, belittle or discourage me

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Nope, I've found that it helps you forget all the non-single crap you miss. The longer you're single the better you deal with it, maybe it's the key to happiness, who knows? Maybe THAT's what I've over-looked. I've been listening to that line 'better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' to which I say BULL!

Bitter? Maybe. Hurt? more than likely. Angry? Yeah, but only at myself for falling into the commercialized trap of being a couple equals happiness and sharing your life with someone is better than spending it alone. I think it was all thought up by someone who fell for it and is now trapped in it so, misery loving company, decided to drag everyone who was single into the same pit of quick sand.

Too much reality for ya? Well, I am tired of having to mind my p's and q's to make everyone esle happy, so if this all comes across as harsh, oh well. Yep, single life is great and once I fully adapt, I'll be just peachy :) The only sure-fire way of protecting your heart from getting ripped apart is to bottle it up and stick it on a shelf. Having fun is fine. Loving? That's risky business. I don't have enough heart to gamble with anymore, so I'm taking the easy way out and saying screw it, single is the way to go!

**The above was written under the influence of the pain and suffering of a heart, which has the side effect of spouting out anger

Lockdown

I have voluntarily put my heart on lockdown. Solitary confinement for an indefinate period of time. After the break up of my last boyfriend, and the dust of anger had settled, I still clung onto the hope that we had a future together and that he would come to see that. Of course, I did that with my ex-husband and instead of wanting me back, he just went out and married someone else. It was a crushing blow to know that you weren't worth it. Well, it's happened again (he didn't get married, but came to the conclusion that saying goodbye was the answer). It hurts, quite a bit in fact, but what can you do aside from duct tape him to a chair? They say that 3rd times a charm, I say I'm just setting myself up again. I even deleted the personal ads I had online, I need to take a break and heal. Either way, I'm too old for babies, to average to be arm candy and have little to offer anyone, so why wear out what's left of my heart on short-term relationships? I don't need anyone to help me pick out movies or to eat out with me, I can do those things by myself, have been for years. Vacations? Been there done THAT myself too. Would be nice to share that experience sure, but I'm perfectly capable of doing it alone. I buy my own flowers, treat myself to little items to show how thoughtful I am and enjoy taking myself out for a margarita anytime I want. The best part is that I won't ever wake up to me telling myself "It's over, I'll leaving". See? I'll be just fine. Now, Me, Myself and I are going to go start planning our vacation.....

El Durango Speciale

Every other Friday evening, after I drop my son off at his dad's I head towards this little Mexican Restaraunt close by, El Bracero. "Just one?" The maitre'd asks in his Hispanic accent. I'm now considered a regular there. They know when I walk through the door that it's just one and that I will order a margarita with sugar instead of salt. More often than not, I will get 'El Durango Speciale' as my dinner. It's awesome! It's 3 thin fried chicken breasts & 6 grilled shrimp covered with a yummy white cheese sauce and then a side of rice with a shell of sour cream and guacamole. When I'm throwing caution to the wind, I'll also have a flan for dessert. Even though it's just me, I will sit there and leisurely people watch for well over an hour. They don't rush me since I have earned my 'regular' status (not to mention, I tip well).

It's such a relaxing way to spend my evening and the strong margarita gives me the umph I need to go back to my house and start my weekend alone (well, single and kid free, I still have my dogs greet me with happy tails). While I'm there, I overhear bits and pieces of conversation that revolves around the balls Joe had for leaving Mary for Lucy or how if the girlfriend doesn't start acting like they're 'okay' the boyfriend is going to just leave without ordering. I see the interactions of whole families spending an evening out, mom, dad, kids and all or the office girls all partaking in a girls' night out. I wonder what they think of me, sitting there all alone? Do they think I'm being stood up or just hopelessly single and alone? Maybe they think I'm a food critique or an author of some sort since sometimes I jot down notes and various observations.

Though I've been divorced for 3 years now, I've been very used to eating by myself for over a decade. My ex was never huge into going out. We did on various occaissions and I loved it, but not as much as I'd like and hardly ever as a family once my son was born. That's what I miss the most and what I so desperately want to experience. Being out as a family. I often wonder if I'll ever get to experience that. Maybe I'm too old and have to just suck it up and face it that it's once experience I missed out on. But hope springs eternal. In the meantime, I will look upon those lucky ones with sincere admiration and sip my margarita with sugar, no salt. Cheers!