Just Another Friday Night

Well, It's Friday night again. Just after 7 pm. I've been on my diet and execerise program for, what? 2 or 3 weeks now? This weekend was suppose to be my let it all go weekend, rewarded with a night out. Well, a good old fashioned dumping ain't gonna ruin THAT! Here I sit, at my favorite 'after I drop my son off' spot, with no one but me, myself and I piggybacking off of a wi-fi signal and crowded around a stiff margarita. I should be ok calorie-wise, with yesterday ending at under 1300 and today before El Bracero's at just over 500. Granted, I'll be the only one privy to my British accent, but oh well, that's the norm anyway. I'm sure my dogs won't think twice about it when I get home, lol. The girls at work said I had a 'bedroom voice' this week on the drive thru speaker, lol must have been my mood. Can't say it did much good though, as I didn't get any offers or numbers.



I won't have a picture with this blog since I don't take my Vaio out. I'm always on the Toshiba when I'm out and since my internet/cell service is off, piggybacking wi-fi is all I have for now. Yep, September has been one bang up month for me. Dumped, check bounced because my sister and brother screwed me on the fundraiser, electric will go off on Monday, but hey, my rent will get paid :) So I guess that's something. Actually this entire year has been cause for seriously tracking down a 'universal remore' like on that movie "Click", because it's ALL pretty much sucked, this YEAR has pretty much sucked and once I hit 2011 I will be SO happy! This year has been nothing but a pain in my ASS and I can not WAIT to put it behind me.



I have been throgh ENOUGH for the last few years. I mean serioulsy WTH is wrong with me? What did I do to derserve all this crap that's been shoved my way? No matter what I do, I end up getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop and I'm SICK of it! Sometimes I feel like suck a black sheep. My brother is great my sister is great, both have a lot of friends and are happily married with kids. They invite each other to cruises together and vacations, nights out on the town and everything. Did they ever ask me? Nope! For years I was married to a jerk who would sooner die than do anything with me or God forbid, my family. I wasted over a decade of my life with him, I gave up friends, opportunity, fun, all because I wanted to makle him happy. Where'd it get me? NO WHERE!



I'm now a 39 year old divorcee' who lives below friggen poverty level and is at the mercy of her parents to simply keep a roof over her head. I have no close friends, no one in my life who really gives a crap aside from my 2 dogs and my son (every other week). I'm trapped in a town with a crappy employment rate, stupid rules that screw me at every turn and no hint of a way out until my son graduates from high school 4 years from now. And I'm trying to slim down for what? That chance that at 44 I'll be able to leave and find some place that I can exist happily for the next howevere long, along and waiting to kick the bucket? How fun for me.



Meanwhile I get to hear how mom goes clear to Savannah to help my sister with her new baby for days at a time when 20 minutes was way to far for her to help ME with my son when he was born ( and I had a husband that told me that my child was ugly and how he 'didn't want to give him up for adoption but would..." Seriously?! My sister has more stuff for the new baby than she'll ever need, 3 babyshowers and all the support in the world. My brother and sister both got to go racing with my dad (somnething I would have LOVED to do, but alas, I was never in on that one either.) I just filled like the black sheep. I don't even know what I'm saying, just know that the place is closing down and I have to post and dash.

Night all! Catcha tomorrow, I plan on goinbg to Borders to use theur signal then :)

Under New Management

Well, I've come to the conclusion (I know, I've done that a lot lately) that my site needs a major overhaul. Apparently, it's insulting and rude to expect work to be done within a 6 month time frame. I must have missed that memo. It caused people to get totally pissed off at me and drop me like a hot potato, which I'm guess the work that I had done with them was also trashed. Lovely, isn't it? But I guess I was just so overly demanding and got upset at being shoved to the back burner time after time, this is my punishment. So fine, something obviously needed to change. Counting on 'friends' no longer works, in fact it is downright pointless unless your point is to give them a knife to shove into your heart. In which case....mission accomplished.

I've decided to just cut my losses and do a total overhaul on my business. Which means the only one I will have to truly count on is ME, that way, when I DO have a problem, no one else will be in any position to be blamed, insulted or pissed off. It'll all be me.

Business will probably go down for a bit at first, but hey, it's already at the bottom, so it can't be that bad, right? I started out taking my own pictures and filming myself before anyone else got involved, I'm sure I can do it again. Maybe I'll hire college students or someone to help me with the understanding that what is shot stays with me, all they have to do is shoot and go. The rest will be MY sole responsibility. No more counting on anyone else, forcing myself to sit back and play a very long waiting game and then having people get pissed because I say something about the time crunch. That's complete CRAP, it sucks and I'm DONE! I've had ENOUGH being stepped all over and then treated as though I'M in the wrong.

Things are gonna change TODAY and I'm starting with me.

The End

So it was recently brought to my attention that maybe I should please myself first and not worry so much about everyone else. In my recent experiences, I can't seem to please anyone and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. I know I have to stop and I know the people pleasing is an addiction with me. This year, I have dated more than ever before in my whole life and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere at all. If anything, it's made me feel horrible and hopeless. So I quit. I am officially turning my back towards the dating world and saying screw it!

Yeah, finding that mythical creature deemed as my perfect mate is a dream of mine, but seriously, I think it's just that...a dream. I have come to the conclusion that it's just not meant to be for me. If a person wrecks car after car after car, you would begin to wonder about their driving. I've wrecked relationship after relationship after relationship and even though it's never my intention, it just happens. I'm sick of it. I HATE feeling this way, so I'm done.

I'm walking away while I still can. Yeah it sucks to know that it's gonna be a lonely decade or so, but I look at it this way...

I no longer have to worry about pleasing anyone

I can come and go as I please, not having to check in, ask permission or feel guilty

No more false hopes get raised

No more eggshells have to be walked on

I can get as fat or as thin as I want without having to worry about who thinks what of my size

Don't have to worry about picking out just the right gift for major holidays and birthdays because I'll have no one to buy for except myself and I know what I like

Can sing at the top of my lungs in my living room because it's MY living room and no one else will ever be there to say I have to keep it down

Can walk around naked, in my costume or in my finest gown because again, who's gonna care?

Snuggling? I can curl up against my couch, it works just fine

As far as the libido goes and kissing, well, nothing in life is perfect, so that I'll just have to deal with, suck it up and rough it.

In 5 years, I can get the heck outta Dodge and no one is going to be there to have to discuss it or have a problem with it, all I will have to do is pack and pick a spot on the map

Nobody will be there to abuse, criticize, belittle or discourage me

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Nope, I've found that it helps you forget all the non-single crap you miss. The longer you're single the better you deal with it, maybe it's the key to happiness, who knows? Maybe THAT's what I've over-looked. I've been listening to that line 'better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' to which I say BULL!

Bitter? Maybe. Hurt? more than likely. Angry? Yeah, but only at myself for falling into the commercialized trap of being a couple equals happiness and sharing your life with someone is better than spending it alone. I think it was all thought up by someone who fell for it and is now trapped in it so, misery loving company, decided to drag everyone who was single into the same pit of quick sand.

Too much reality for ya? Well, I am tired of having to mind my p's and q's to make everyone esle happy, so if this all comes across as harsh, oh well. Yep, single life is great and once I fully adapt, I'll be just peachy :) The only sure-fire way of protecting your heart from getting ripped apart is to bottle it up and stick it on a shelf. Having fun is fine. Loving? That's risky business. I don't have enough heart to gamble with anymore, so I'm taking the easy way out and saying screw it, single is the way to go!

**The above was written under the influence of the pain and suffering of a heart, which has the side effect of spouting out anger

Heavy Subjects

I met this wonderful man who thought I was pretty okay as well. One problem...I was too heavy for him to be 100% attracted to me. I can understand not being the right size for someone's style, I myself wouldn't want to date someone who was of a certain size. But I can't wrap my brain around why something so superficial would be the only reason I wasn't deemed 'the one'. I mean, it's not like I'm obese. Two kids, a bad divorce and lots of depression later, yeah, I've packed on some extra weight. But that can be changed, and even Barbie doll's don't stay perfect 10s forever. My internal maek-up is something that's permanent which was fine, I guess. Although as usual, it wasn't good enough...story of my life- too good for this person, not good enough for that one.

Now I'm not happy with my weight. NOT because of him, I was unhappy about it for a long time before I even met him. I just lacked the motivation...incentive. That's one thing about people-pleasers such as myself...we thrive on encouragement and can't live without aiming to please someone. Our self-worth is pretty screwed up. We feel only as worthy as others see us. That's why I became so determined to stick to a diet and exercise plan. I felt I was given a reason to, a person to please. I know everyone will tell you that anything you try to overcome has to be solely for yourself for it to work. I beg to differ. People pleasers are a different breed. We HAVE to know that in the end, we've made someone happy. Without anyone to please, we will fail, we feel as though it's pointless because it only benefits ourselves, which to us just isn't a good reason. We are here to please others, to help others and to make others happy. It's just not in us to do it for ourselves. We're just not that selfish and no matter how hard we try, we can't put ourselves first without feeling guilty and selfish, whatever we do has GOT to help someone else or make someone else happy.

I was giving this alot of thought ever since the weight was explained to me as an issue. I looked back on all the times I have been very slim (aside from being built that way in my younger days) I did it to fix relationships, to make someone happy. Seeing that I had pleased someone else, in turn was what it took for ME to be happy. Once that someone was no longer in the picture, I viewed it as a serious failure and without conciously realizing it, I began to pack on pounds. Throughout my years in a relationship my weight was always determined by who I was with or who I wanted to get away from. I don't think I can help it. Granted, I'll never be huge, but there's just enough tip in the scales to matter. (The pictures I posted in this blog I took about an hour ago)

I know that doing my video clips as Wonder Woman, being skinnier would make me more money, but now that I have no one to shoot the clips or be in them with me, my loosing weight for that is pointless too. So seriously, what's the draw? Where's the incentive? The fact that I MIGHT meet someone and have them be attracted to my body? Please! That's more of a gamble than me actually trying to please who I'm with (or was with, as the case may be) At the same time, I'm being told that someone wanting me to be thinner for them to like me is uninportant, yet that's the reason they don't like me now/ I'm confused! I'm being told that if I loose the weight, then they might like me then. I say BULL! I am beginning to believe that it isn't my weight that's truly an issue with them, it's THEM! They had to find some reason to push me away, so my weight was what they picked. I will bet good money that even if I lost the weight, they'd find something else wrong simply because they aren't ready for a relationship. THAT is what it boils down to. Not my weight or anything else. I will be bold enough to say that I AM a decent person and I HAVE a decent body (though not perfect) and by simply nit-picking and pushing me away AFTER I've developed feelings for them because they aren't ready to step out of the single zone is ridiculous.

I have come to believe that if you tell someone you are stopping the relationship now, "before anyone gets hurt", it's too late, at least one of you will be hurt regardless. It's usually me. I put myself out there, share things about myself and end up getting hurt. Oh joy, what a suprise. You would think I would have learned by now, but hope foolishly springs eternal.

I've just got to learn to suck it up and do without. I just wish my next several years would pick up the pace and fly by. I really need to get away from everyone. Clarksville just isn't working for me. I need to relocate to some remote place, get a job and small place that's cheap and live out my life alone....thin, fat, whatever. There will be no one to work towards making happy so maybe.... just maybe... I'LL learn how to be happy on my own, even though my make up is totally against that. If not....well, I'll stay just as I am...alone, searching for someone to make happy, so I can be happy too :)

Toll Bridges

I know I've been MIA for a while, just over a month to be exact. It's been crazy busy here, what with school starting and relationships failing. Lots going on, that's for sure. Of course, for you handful of readers, it's given me tons to focus on and put onto my computer screen :)

My main theme that seems to find itself into all of my blogs, is my relationships (or lack there of). The matters of my heart are always first and foremost on my mind when I thing of blogging and that's quite an accomplishment seeing as though over the years, my heart has been chopped and diced down to such a little piece.

I learned something today.....I'm a great girl next door. Really sweet, non-materialistic, caring and fun to be with. Not super hard on the eyes, although I'm not a total Barbie Doll or anything. I try so hard to please everyone else and sometimes I even lose myself in the process. But let me get upset or angry and the guys who have promised friendship immediately turn on me.

Why is that? Am I not allowed to get upset at anything? Is that honestly fair? Is that truly friendship when one has to bottle up dissappointment or hurt? Anger or being let down? I always thought being a true friend was being someone you could vent too, could be upfront and honest with. When did the rules for friendship change? I must have missed the memo on that one.

Twice this year, I've had guys whom I had believed to be trusting friends, guys I've loved and believed in....counted on even, just completely turn on me because I got upset and somewhat lashed out. (Not to the extreme, but voiced my discontent) Is this really how friendship works nowadays?

I've learned the hard way....several times over.... that you can't count on anyone but yourself. I love the idea of building bridges to others, having friends and relationships, but you have to guard your heart so much more closely. You have to build toll bridges....reaching out to others but requiring a toll of sorts from them before you trust them all out with your heart. Otherwise, your bridge not only risks getting burnt, but you do as well.

So what happens now? I have no idea. I just have to pick up the pieces...again...and move on. I'll shove all those feelings in another bottle (I have quite a collection) and try to go back to before those guys were even in my life. It's painfully obvious that it's what they've done, so why should I try to fix everything? It's an extreme rarity for any man to admit that they are just as much at fault for the burning as I am. I've learned that several times over and through my experience, it's never really happened. They just up and leave, blaming the woman. If that's the way it's gotta be, then fine. I'm tired of always being the door mat, the one that cleans up the mess and smoothes over everything. I was JUST as hurt as they were, maybe even more so and I'm done. I'll woman up and admit I was wrong...apologize and everything, but only if they have the guts to do the same. Men are suppose to be the stronger of the genders, so I'll leave it to them to go first. It's that's just too much to ask, then ok, fine. I guess they'll have to walk away and become part of my painful past, but not my future.

As painful as this all is....this too, will pass

Waiting......

All of us have to wait. It's inevitable, a fact of life and we hate it. There's a saying...waiting for your ship to come in. What if it nevers does? I believe I'm in that spot. I've waited all my life to be truly happy and I think I missed it, maybe I should've been at the airport instead of the dock?

When you're young you can't wait (although you have to) to grow up and get started with your life. Whether it be college, a career, a family, traveling....whatever. Once we do graduate, we enter college or the work force but say we can't wait until we're successful (whatever THAT means). Then there's how we can't wait to do this or go there or have that. Pretty soon, before we know it, we've waited for all of these things and they never happened. Maybe some of them did, but we were so busy waiting for something else that we missed the fact that we got something that we had wanted earlier.

I've always been a dreamer, I couldn't help it, still can't in fact, it's part of my nature. I dream of big things. I build things up in my mind to a point where when the reality of that happening happens, it's smaller than my imagined version, therefore I don't realize that particular ship came in.

I ended up dreaming my life away. Never being satisfied with where I was in time, always wanting more and better. Maybe that's why my marriage crumbled. Silly me, I wanted a family man who loved me and loved being with me, wanted to go places with me and my son as a family, do things as a family and so forth. I just wasn't content being a stay-at-home mom and not going anywhere except by myself (along with my son, but not my husband). I got tired of waiting so I left. I figured he wouldn't notice, he ignored me anyway, he was so absorbed in his own self and his online ladies.

He noticed, but just enough to punish me for it. So now here I am, trapped in Clarksville, a divorcee with a son (well, half the time anyway). No money, little social life and a broken heart. I've tried my best to put him behind me, to try new things and date. The new things are ok, sometimes I even have fun, but it's still just me, as a single, so inside I still have that emptiness and lonliness, a void where I want so desperately to have someone there. The dates I've been on, I go on with such high hopes and then leave the date thinking 'no chemistry' or sometimes elated because I did have chemistry with them and they promise to call, but don't. That makes me down, feeling worse than I did before I even tried.

Why I even bothered, I'll never know. I put my heart (or at least what's left of it) out there on the line and where does it get me? I end up getting trampled all over. My heart has really been through the ringer this past year and I've just had enough! However, hope springs eternal so I will more than lukely stand up, brush myself off, pick up my mangled heart and wait. After all, good things come to those who wait, right? I'll have to wait and see

Letting Go

We all hang onto things...sometimes relationships....much longer than we should. That emotional baggage that builds up inside can be truly crippling at times, weigh us down and stop us from doing what's best. I happen to be somewhat of an expert on this, I am an emotional packrat. I know I should do massive spring cleaning in my life, but knowing and doing are two seperate things entirely.

I stayed in an emotionally unhealthy relationship for well over a decade because I simply couldn't bring myself to let go. Fear of the unknown, the being outside my comfort zone, kept me from taking that giant leap of faith. Even now, I still cling onto it in some ways. I finally gathered the guts to leave the relationship, but it's scarring has held my heart prisoner ever since.

I let it's memory of everything bad about a relationship influence my next relationship. I am a very open person, yet still hold my heart very close, keeping it guarded. I'm flexible, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I fear change, I fear rejection and those fears hold me back from loving someone all out. I can't count the times I wanted to do things or say things that would show how much I cared, but the fear held me back from acting on it.

Maybe deep inside I knew that it would never work out, so in some way thought why try? I'd just be setting myself up for even more heartache when the time for good-bye came around. Or maybe it was simply because the spark just wasn't big enough. I know I still think back on things I could have done better. How foolish I was to ever think that a true spark or that pure happy energy you feel simply by sitting next to someone would even be possible decades after the intense 'schoolgirl crushes'. But I've come to realize that it is possible to feel that way no matter what your age, you just have to let go and allow yourself to be swept away by that energy. For a long time now, I swore that I just wasn't anyone's 'forever girl', that I was more of a 'she'll do for now' type. I'm beginning to understand that since that's how I thought of myself, that's how others saw me. So, here's to letting go. May it help me find that spark and fan the little flame so it can become a raging emotional fire that warms my heart and the heart of the one I find :)